round 2

[someguy1233]

I feel that I posted in the incorrect forum. Mods, please feel free to delete my post in the other forum.

April 1.
I was here previously. My wife wasn't happy with our relationship and had an affair. We worked hard... very hard, and ended up with what I thought was a much healthier relationship. We had a lot of struggles when we first agreed to stay together and work things out, but I thought we "made it." I/we made the mistake of not continuing therapy. Looking back, our communication broke down again.

We had our first child nearly a year ago and I thought things were going great. However, about one or two months ago my wife opened up and told me she was depressed. She doesn't like where we live as the commute to work is too far. She feels terrible about the amount of time our son spends in daycare. She's also upset that she barely has any friends. (We let a lot of "friendships" go after the affair due to their destructive nature.)

I suggested that she see a therapist and that we try to figure out a way to modify our work schedules so that our son spends less time in daycare. She agreed, but no action was taken.

About two weeks ago we had a blow out fight. We rarely have large fights, so this was unusual. I was feeling very suspicious because she's been spending more time at work happy-hours and the same male co-worker drops her off at home. The fight started when I told her I didn't appreciate her not giving me a time when she would be home. I'd asked her for this courtesy numerous times and explained that this info was needed so I could plan dinner and know if I was putting our son to bed by myself.

She informed me that she felt like I was smothering her. She said any time she started to act "a little different," I was always there trying to "put her in line." She said she wasn't sure if this was due to the previous affair, but if so.. I needed to get over it and let it go. We ended up talking more and I realize that I haven't been as helpful as I could around the house and with the baby.

I spent the last two weeks being more helpful, understanding, and cheerful. One week ago she commented that I was being so great and that she really appreciated it.

Two nights ago she finally told me that she's very depressed. She hates everything about life. She said she has an appointment with a psychologist in about 2 weeks. (This is the same psychologist that her now-divorced friend sees...) She said that she still notices all the extra work I've been doing but it doesn't change anything. I offered the idea of marriage counseling. She said she'd go, but she doesn't think it will help because she needs to "figure her stuff out on her own." When asked, I told her that I didn't feel very loved. She said that she knows that. She knows that she should hold my hand, or cuddle on the couch, or have sex. She said she just doesn't feel like it. She said she knows it's wrong, but still doesn't want to do it. She does say I love you and cuddles me but ONLY when we're lying down to go to bed.

Since our talk she has spent the majority of the weekend surrounding herself with friends. We've had minimal time alone together and when we have it's been silent and awkward. She just left to go to a happy-hour with work friends.

I don't know if she's having another affair, or if she's just that depressed. I feel like she's blocking me out. I keep hoping that it's just depression and that with some help she'll realize there's hope and remember why we love each other. I just don't know that the realization will come before she does something that will permanently damage/destroy our relationship.

[someguy1233]

Update. April 11.
Last night she told me that she loves me and thinks that I'm a great dad and a great husband. But she doesn't feel like, "walking on the beach, having sex, etc."

I translate this to mean the old... "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

She's still going to see a personal counselor or therapist this evening. She's not against the idea of marriage counseling, but said she isn't sure if it will do any good.

She said she feels like 60% of her wants to stay at work on rebuilding these feelings, but the other 40% feels like we've been down this road too many times and that nothing changes.


On a side note...
Time to start making myself look better, and to start feeling better. I know this path of depression and anger. I don't want it to consume all of me again. I just find it so difficult this time since we live together and there's so little free time.

[Autumn Leaves]

Time to start making myself look better, and to start feeling better. I know this path of depression and anger. I don't want it to consume all of me again. I just find it so difficult this time since we live together and there's so little free time.

Make this your priority ^^^^

You can't control anything else but you and how you are handling this. Get out and GAL! It is so important for you!

When I read your sitch I see my own more than a year ago. Not saying it is the same but similarities. My H started with "I'm just not happy with my life and feel like I am living Groundhog day" I was in the dark for longer than I should have been. It wasn't until I woke up, saw it for what it was and started making some changes that I finally started to feel better.

Hang in there, you need to be strong for you and for your child.
Keep posting and others will chime in too.

[figgeroni]

remind yourself of the things that make YOU you!!!

you have a little bubba right now...

be a great dad to him...focus on that

you can not control your wife or her actions or emotions

only yours

so...

take some control back in your life

if she is not telling you when she is coming home
assume she won't be there for supper or bedtime and love the sh*t out of getting to do them yourself because some day that buba won't be a bubba anymore and snuggles will go the way of footied jammies and you don't want to look back and regret not living those moments to the fullest

make daddy and me suppers...take your son out for ice cream afterward...go feed ducks...get in some quality time

take an ECFE class for fathers and sons (they will be coming up soon for father's day) so much fun or enroll in daddy and me swim class...get in shape and spending quality time with your son

there is nothing more attractive than a confident man
nothing sexier than a doting father

be those things for yourself

if she notices...bonus!!!

[someguy1233]

Thanks, Autumn. It's tough to find time for myself with work and our son, but I'll keep trying. I just need to find some hobbies that don't require a lot of time...

Figgeroni- great post. Both my wife and I have talked in the past about the lack of real time we get to spend with our son. It's very tough. I want to do all the things you describe. But by the time we pick him up from daycare we have 1.5 hours for dinner and then it's bedtime. I wish the days were longer so I could spend more time with him.

I scheduled an appointment with a marriage therapist for next week. While looking at her website I happened to notice she recommends Michele Weiner-Davis' books. I hope my wife will still be receptive to the idea of counseling by next week.

[someguy1233]

Update 4/13-
Yesterday W told me she was going to take the bus home. I went and picked up our son from daycare and proceed to make dinner, etc. I had a great time playing with him while making dinner.

She came home not much later than normal and was surprised that I was making dinner. She said she sent me a text letting me know she was on the way, but I didn’t hear my phone. She said she sent the text because I had asked that she keep me informed. I told her I appreciate it.

She gave me a big hug and asked if I wanted to have a bonfire after our son went to bed. She said she was “trying.” I agreed, but by the time the daily chores were completed it was too late and we ended up watching TV…

During dinner she said that I’ve been acting weird the last couple days. She said I’m being “fake happy.” She said she expects me to be sad or angry, but happy isn’t normal. I shrugged it off and told her that’s odd. I guess my 180 attempts aren’t exactly subtle, but I actually FEEL happier. I’ve been enjoying my time with our son more and I’m not allowing these problems to consume me.

She also said that I need to find some (new) friends. She doesn’t believe she can communicate on the level that I want to about some of my interests. Then she got a little agitated and said she knows that it’s her fault that I don’t have friends and that I can’t hold that against her forever. (this is due to the chosen falling out I had with our old group of friends from the past A). I didn’t even bring up this topic and she was getting defensive. I found this interesting… She also made a comment about not being a “good housewife” lately. (She isn’t a housewife, but does do the majority of the cooking)



Her therapist gave her some pages from a book called “Safe Haven Marriage” and a couple “The Keirsey Temperament Sorter II / Please Understand Me II” personality tests for us to take. For some reason I feel odd filling this out not knowing her counselor’s intentions or plan.

This morning I informed her that I made an appointment for us with a marriage therapist. She said she didn’t really want to go to two therapists and that we should just go to hers. Before I could respond she said that she’d go to both if I wanted to.

On a happy note, this weekend is our son’s one year birthday party. I’m excited to entertain friends and family for a few hours. Hopefully the weather stays nice.

[someguy1233]

Last night and this morning have been tough.

We got some things ready for our sons birthday party and then watched some TV...

We went to bed. I said goodnight. She simply responded, "goodnight." Up until this point she would still tell me she loves me, give me a kiss, and then snuggle up close. Last night there was nothing. It took all the strength I had not to jump out of bed and go sleep elsewhere. I had such a strong mix of anger and anxiety.

I feel so crushed. It's like she's pulling further away. We pass each other around the house and it's like we're awkwardly in eachother's way.

I'm not doing well this morning.

[LeafTurner]

First of all I want to let you know that I am deeply sorry for what you are going through. I am in awe about what people go through in a troubled marriage. It has given me a completely new look on life. Remember that people like myself here are thinking of you and hoping for you.

I am a novice and trying to look through novice eyes, so please take my input with a grain of salt.

I/we made the mistake of not continuing therapy.

I feel like I understand how this happened and understand why you stopped. Though, I personally feel that if I ever get the chance to reconcile with my wife that I will never take my marriage for granted again. No matter how great things are, they can be better. Going to regular relationship workshops, retreats, and therapy seems to be essential as part of a LIVE LONG strategy. You could think of it as marriage insurance or happiness insurance. Worth ever bit of time put into it.

I suggested that she see a therapist

This move seems sort of dangerous. I also did the same thing and I feel it was a grave mistake. I now feel that any problem was an US problem. The fact that I didn't look at it as an US problem must of made her feel alone and blamed. This could only add to the distance it must of created and the resentment over time.

I wish you the greatest of luck and please be strong. Getting your life's dreams will never be easy, but so worth it if you do.

[LeafTurner]

Last night and this morning have been tough.

We got some things ready for our sons birthday party and then watched some TV...

We went to bed. I said goodnight. She simply responded, "goodnight." Up until this point she would still tell me she loves me, give me a kiss, and then snuggle up close. Last night there was nothing. It took all the strength I had not to jump out of bed and go sleep elsewhere. I had such a strong mix of anger and anxiety.

I feel so crushed. It's like she's pulling further away. We pass each other around the house and it's like we're awkwardly in eachother's way.

I'm not doing well this morning.

I feel it's wise to give her some space. Maybe do something like encourage her to go out on a ladies night out while you watch your son. Make it your idea and do it will a smile. It has to be authentic though. If you see that letting her go and be "herself" will actually bring her closer, then hopefully you will have the outcome you are looking for.

[someguy1233]

It's been a crazy day getting ready for our son's birthday party. W was aggregated much of the day but had a few moments of laughter...

A couple things struck me as interesting...
She wanted to confirm that I hadn't talked to my parents about "us."

She said I was still acting weird and that she couldn't figure it out. She said its distracting. I'm not trying to act weird... But I'm also trying not letting this situation ruin my days.

She left to go out with some friends and gave me a kiss on the way out the door. I must not look into this one event....