My situation has improved dramatically, and I think, permanently.
After I got over my "mad" (see above). We had a relatively short discussion. My getting angry and very distant, really hurt her feelings. That was not my intent (and even when questioned by her about it during the episode, I declined to explain why I was in situ). So when it came up later, I told her the truth. It was the sex "thing", but that was not all of it, only a symptom of a larger problem in the making. I explained that I needed her to need me, that I wanted our friendship back.
We used to be friends AND lovers, with history. Now we were just friends. I also told her that I didn't really care about the semantics of the physical act, rather the act being an expression of the relationship.
It seems to me that a good relationship results in sex acceptable to both parties. If part of the relationship is missing, then it is obvious, that will affect the relationship as a whole. I have known couples that had great sex, as often as they wanted, and their relationship was visibly falling apart.
She needs me to be loving and attentive. I want to be. Now she knows that I need her (more than she was aware) physically. She was, as I suspected, feeling terribly inadequate sexually. She thought that I needed a "wild woman" or for her to be the equivalent of a "monogamous nymphomaniac" and had no idea how to proceed. Also the thought of having to "act" was very uncomfortable for her. I explained to her that all I ever wanted was my lover and friend back. This is the truth.
I am convinced, as is she, that simply returning to caring, and loving each other will result in the proper proportions of real love that we share. Our time together is already much better. I like this woman! I married her because I wanted to be with her.
Sexual frequency is not so much of an issue now. There is one simple reason. Willingness. That's it.
Rotten days, flu, oral surgery (insert how your day goes bad here) all tend to dampen spirits on occasion, but if your spouse loves you, and is willing, then the formerly sex starved partner can say "that's alright, we can wait until tomorrow", and mean it.
Rumors are stirring that I might get a suprise wake up call in the middle of the night real soon. Now it is hard to sleep. I love that kind of wake up call!
I have my lover back. She also happens to be my very best friend and has been for a long time. We might not swing from the trees, but I bet we can find some interesting new things to try.
LL, I hope you get your best friend and lover back soon. Remember your history together. It is worth saving.
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quoting NOPkins: She needs me to be loving and attentive. I want to be. Now she knows that I need her (more than she was aware) physically. She was, as I suspected, feeling terribly inadequate sexually. She thought that I needed a "wild woman" or for her to be the equivalent of a "monogamous nymphomaniac" and had no idea how to proceed. Also the thought of having to "act" was very uncomfortable for her. I explained to her that all I ever wanted was my lover and friend back. This is the truth.
(I think I just fell in love.) That level of understanding that you express there would just open all kinds of doors and willingness and desire to please and I can't tell you what else! That feeling of inadequacy and failure is awful. To have a spouse understand that makes it 300% better. Go you!
Poe, I will try to start a new thread to explain my situation further. I haven't had time to respond to NOPkins, unfortunately I can only respond when I am work. (my husband took our home computer) Anyway, NOPkins-your insight and wisdom has touched me more than you could know. I am so happy to hear that things are going well for you. I have no doubt that you and your wife will have all of the happiness that you desire (and deserve)
Ask him for the pc back, then when he says no, ask him to replace it, when says too expensive, say how much are willing to spend, if he says 200-300, then you have him...then are plenty of 200 pc out there...if you need help let me know...I can get them cheap.
Amen brother, I know exactly what you're talking about! I'm going f*****ing insane (pardon my abreviated French). 15 years ago 1-2 a day was my goal; that quickly turned into a joke. Now 1-2 a week would be a miracle worthy of becoming a monk. I can't believe how many people are suffering from this low libido spouse epidemic. No wonder half of our marriages are failing.
I understand the insane, anger and frustration. The nice thing about all that, is that the cure is simple and can be quick.
First thing I suggest you do, and the hardest, is to get a grip on the anger. It will only make matters worse. I am still getting used to the idea that I don't have to walk around in a defensive posture, ready to sull up at a moments notice. That behavior will likely cause more harm than good. At least it did for me.
Get the book, let her find it and read it. Try to be nice. Especially try to be open and available to her should she want to discuss the issue. She is probably aware of the problem, and clueless as to what she can do about it.
Don't focus all the blame on her. It is your problem too. It isn't all her fault. I promise you, at the end of the day when all is well again, you will be suprised at the role you played in your relationship getting to this point.
If you read all my posts, you will see an angry man in the beginning. I spent years cultivating it. I do instense and angry much better than I write about it. I can't imagine what it was like for her to live around it, even though I was convinced it was her fault. She made me suffer, so I cut her off emotionally. I exuded nasty toward her. I loved her and that unfulfilled need made me hate her intensely at the same time.
What I was too dense to realize, and it is admittedly difficult to see through all that emotion, is that the problem, regardless of it's origin, was *OUR* problem, not mine or hers to address.
Fixing it was relatively easy. Like any problem you; a) identify it b) assume responsibility for your part of it c) do something about it.
You might think you are the only one that has eaten a steady diet of crow for so long, but it likely isn't going to be that one-sided.
Deal with your anger, then with your relationship.
That's my $0.02 worth. Let us know how it goes!
In much less pain these days, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my wailing and flailing.
I used to consider myself one of the most patient and easy going people that I knew, now I’m so wound up and neurotic that I’m having a hard time controlling my resentment. For years I’ve worked hard to give her support yet freedom to pursue her goals and interests. I was a positive husband. Now I’m losing it and I need her support. She doesn’t want to hear about it. Every time I get up the strength to deal with the pain it quickly subsides into depression and anxiety. I feel so trapped...
I’ve ordered Michelle’s book and hope it will help me from my side. My wife won’t read it, in fact she gets pissed even if I read anything about improving relationships or sex. So I’ll have to read it in secret and keep all the knowledge to myself. If she were the one to initiate an effort to improve things I would climb mountains to make it happen.
In spite of my venting here on this site, I’m not angry around her and we rarely have a serious argument.
We didn't argue much either. All the while I was politely seething in form not unlike a black hole, as I planned my divorce.
My point to you is this. You have expressed a concern to her. Since you are a couple, it is now her concern too. Leaving a book for her to see might make her mad, and it is her prerogative as to her reaction at the discovery, but it also makes it very clear that you intend to persue a solution. You might consider reading it in front of her, but restrain from commenting on the book, unprompted.
I would leave the book lying around for her convenience. While she might disappprove outwardly, given a little while alone, I should think that curiosity might cause her to have a quick read.
These are just suggestions. No one knows your realtionship like you do, but you really have to lay aside your analysis when it comes to sex, or the reason things have digressed to the point that they are. If you had a real clue as to why things are the way they are, then you could have taken action long ago to prevent the very challenge that you are facing. The fact is, you have missed it somewhere along the way. So did I. So did many of the people frequenting these forums. You have to present opportunity (possibly many) to discuss the issue, but that will have to be on her terms, and in her time.
I know you are hurt and mad. I was too. I could still find myself in that same boat if I didn't keep my anger in check, even though my wife has made it very clear to me, anytime, anywhere - she is willing. It will take a little while for me to get past years of resentment. It may take years for my wife to get past feeling "left out". The important thing is that the veil has been rent. The once shrouded interplay of pensive attempts at resolving a relationship is now clearly in the light of day, visible with all its scars and signs of age. That may sound ugly, but you can work with something that you can see. You can fix it up, paint it, heal it and make it better again. You can't do that with issues still shrouded in darkness and only whispered of.
You may have to change first, before she can. She may be hurting as badly as you, and dealing with it in a different way. She may be mad or hurt and using sex as her only defense against a perceived wrong. She may not even know that she is.
At least one of you has to be sane in order to solve the problem. In my situation, my wife was the sane one, even though she was the problem (as I saw it). She had already decided to be whatever I needed sexually, and I didn't even see it clearly enough to give her a chance before the old "Mr. Mean" took over.
You can get through this. Your marriage is worth saving. Your situation may change rapidly or slowly, but the very fact that you are aware that there is a problem AND a solution, has already permanently altered the course of your relationship. It is up to you to sail a true course during your time as captain.
Hang in there.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I have read through your posts and think you are expressing what my H is feeling. He has a lot of anger inside too. And the anger is very hard for him to contol. It absolutly stems from 10 years of us living in a SSM. He is the HD, me the LD. But now I am putting forth an effort to work on increasing frequency.
When your W realized how important this was for you and was willing to give more did she actually say "anytime, anywhere"? Have you taken her up on the offer? I wish I could tell my H the same thing, but I am worried that I may not be able to live up to it.
You said even though you know that "anytime, anywhere" is available to you, you catch yourself reverting back to being angry because it has become a habit. I think my H is like that, it's just become a habit for him.
I have increased the frequency but now he is telling me he is just not interested anymore and once a week is fine with him. (No enthusiasm). He says he learned to control his desire and is proving to me that he is not a neanderthal that only wants sex.
I am confussed now. I started working on what I thought he wanted and now he says it's not really what he wants. Women's intuition tells me he is not being honest with me. Did you ever feel this way? It's like he just gave up.
Did you express the feelings you've shared here with W? I wish my H would express his feeling to me about this. But it's almost like he doesn't have any anymore.
You express yourself so well here and have given great advice to others. I was wondering if you had any insight to helping me understand my H better.
