I had a talk with the boys at lunch today. I told them that I would be going to my fathers for Easter and we decided that it is best if they go with H to his family, as it is local and their turn for the holiday. I mentioned "I know that its no secret that we are still having problems" and they nodded.
I asked them if they have any questions or need to discuss anything. They made eye contact with each other (clearly they talk to each other about it, which makes me happy). They both said no.
Then they quickly moved on to happier subjects and wanted to share stories with me, we laughed and had a very nice lunch.
When it is finally time to have the separation discussion, H and I will do that together. But based on this one, I think they expect it.
It probably came as no shock, as yesterday was the first time in 20 yrs I didn't participate in H's birthday.
Those are two amazing young men you got there, Autumn. And don't think for one minute that they're not WATCHING THEIR MOM, and how you're handling this.
They're proud of you. And they're probably protecting you (by not asking you anything, lest they upset you).
Amazing stuff, when the cubs grow up and begin to protect the mommabear.
Thank you, and yes I have no doubt that they are watching. [quote=Starsky309 Amazing stuff, when the cubs grow up and begin to protect the mommabear. Starsky [/quote]
Autumn. Reminds me of my boys... The older one tends to... "Mom. No worries. You make everything alright, always". The younger one dies something silly to make me laugh. I have to remind them from time to time that it's ok to talk, ok for Mom to cry, ok for them to be sad. They just want their Mommies smiling!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Had a good night. He came home as I was feeding S15 dinner. S17 was already at work. H had something to eat too.
He was trying to spend time with me and followed me out when I went out to the game room. I turned around and said "if you prefer to be in here, I don't mind going to front" He said "oh I thought we would spend a few minutes together, is that ok"
I didn't say anything and he said "You hesitated, I understand and walked away"
A few joking texts but no more interaction from H
This morning he said "are you still taking your car in" (he usually handles all cars)
I said "yes it is just inspection, and I will ask them to look at my alignment"
He said "I am available if you need me to step in" I said "thanks but I trust our mechanic (friend of H) and I will be good, S17 is picking me up"
He got irritated, said "Have a good day" and left for work
I'm trying to handle each situation well but I have to admit, I giggled a bit this morning. So ridiculous to get mad over a car.
Had a good night. He came home as I was feeding S15 dinner. S17 was already at work. H had something to eat too.
He was trying to spend time with me and followed me out when I went out to the game room. I turned around and said "if you prefer to be in here, I don't mind going to front" He said "oh I thought we would spend a few minutes together, is that ok"
I didn't say anything and he said "You hesitated, I understand and walked away"
A few joking texts but no more interaction from H
This morning he said "are you still taking your car in" (he usually handles all cars)
I said "yes it is just inspection, and I will ask them to look at my alignment"
He said "I am available if you need me to step in" I said "thanks but I trust our mechanic (friend of H) and I will be good, S17 is picking me up"
He got irritated, said "Have a good day" and left for work
I'm trying to handle each situation well but I have to admit, I giggled a bit this morning. So ridiculous to get mad over a car.
Thanks Starsky!! It felt natural and easy, which is nice.
So I just got an email from H explaining a change to his paycheck (withholding change he made) and copy of his paystub which will be great for my L
I asked him if he prefers I use the debit or credit for my car today. His response was "can we talk about finances in general soon, where we are at etc, maybe take a walk to do away from the kids"
Clearly he is talking about finances together which means he doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it.
I need to figure out the best way to say I really need for him to move out and that is the discussion we need to have, and whatever financial discussion comes from that.
I hope we can be adult and pleasant but I have my doubts as he keeps "forgetting" that I have already asked him to move out before.
My father suggested some luggage on the porch
I will do some thinking today to figure the best way to approach, but for now I am not responding to his email (busy with work if he asks)
Did you ask your attorney if it would be advisable for you and the boys to move out?
I normally do NOT recommend this (as it's preferable to take a "I didn't do anything wrong; if you're uncomfortable here, then YOU need to leave" stance), but since your husband has repeatedly refused to leave, and now very likely has been ADVISED not to by his attorney, I think you should consider this. I have read some approaches where the shock of an empty house, devoid of their spouse, kids, and the kids' toys/clothes/hobbies and such can make a real impact on a wayward spouse who is sitting on the fence.
Something to consider. Do NOT leave yourself, WITHOUT your kids (could be legally considered "abandonment"), and I know you wouldn't do that anyway. And do NOT do this without first consulting with your atty.
And yes, I do agree that you need to separate yourselves and your finances now, as you figure out your next steps. Your husband needs to learn to MISS you, and needs time on his own to figure out if he is really committed to doing the things necessary to build a new marriage with you. Any good IC worth their salt will tell him that THIS DECISION-MAKING PERIOD SHOULD BE MADE WITHOUT THE INFLUENCE OF A 3RD PERSON, but that's going to be entirely up to him. All YOU an do is figure out what YOUR boundaries are . . . your "Non-Negotiable Boundaries of Personal Integrity," and communicate them firmly and lovingly to your husband.
That is a very good point and if I need to after this talk, I will ask my attorney about that.
I am hopeful that he has resisted til now because he thought he could manipulate me and he has been seeing that he now cannot, which will hopefully help him realize I am serious. At one point he said 'i will review my options, it makes sense for you and the boys to stay here. i owe you that much'
I am going to hope for the best with this conversation but have my plan b if I need it, beginning with a call to my attorney.
I plan to simply state "you've mentioned how unhappy you are, and I agree with you that in this state our marriage is very unhealthy. I know we previously discussed this but feel like we should revisit it now, do you think it would be possible for you to find alternative living arrangements within a week?"
His parents and good friends are all right here, so he could really go same day but I figured a week may be more fair.
On a fun note, since I won't be with the boys on Easter I have decided to take them to the Phillies home opener on Monday. I got 3 standing room only tickets and we will go early to enjoy all of the festivities. I just told them and they are so excited So am I!!
