The old thread is at 100 so here is the next. Yesterday was to have been the final visit to court, papers signed, decree entered. This did not happen. Circumstances conspired to prevent it. W failed to provide a critical document in a timely manner so the hearing has been scheduled for the 24th.
W arrived with her entourage. She brought her surrogate mothers, an Aunt and a friend from church. We did not verbally interact except when necessary. Based on body language and tone of voice there is quite a bit of anger still. I hope she finds a way to move forward and find some happiness.
The delay irritates me a little bit, emphasis on little. I have always been a planner and not knowing how my budget will shake out is forcing me to delay setting timelines. I suspect the delay is also inhibiting some of her healing. I know this is pure speculation, but I am confident I knew this aspect of her personality; she needs to put a check mark in the box.
When this journey began, a basket case abandoned beside the road was I, now, not so much. Though it found me again have I. I like myself. I will improve. AIO
I will remember from our relationship what I deem to have been good and allow what I do not to fall away. I have learned some things from W’s and my past that set us upon this path. Some may have been avoided, but there are others which probably could not have been. The point being we would have had to deal at some point in time no matter what I anticipated or accomplished.
My sister sent me a card the other day. A simple message “When God closes a door he opens a window for you to fly out of”
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
You know, it ain't over 'til it's over... and I'm beginning to understand it ain't over 'till we're on the other side of the grass...
My W was supposed to be at the house when I picked some of the last of my stuff from the house. I was late, but as I was coming up the street, she was driving away and I swear... although I could be wrong... her face looked twisted in a bundle of emotions...
She comes across strong and "happy" in normal conversation, but I don't think she has yet found her peace... and I suspect that until she does, there will be no discussions and I will continue to get "the wall" (or spew) when I interact with her at an emotional level...
I guess I'll know when she finds her peace, as you... yours...
in the mean time, that we have found our peace, for the most part...
@KD: Yes indeed for the most part, and when not there are skills learned and relearned, GAL and other distractions. I am good so long as the endorphin monkey is fed.
Sadly most WAS do not have some of these. Some seem to have distractions aplenty and support. If they’re anything like W’s then most of the distractions are hollow and the support focuses upon the negative.
W’s drive seems to have a negative focus. I think her anger stems from this. She must feel drained as it takes a lot of energy to maintain anger. When she appears happy she usually refers to some instance when she has had a comeuppance with me. As if we are competing somehow. A recent example is her visit with our grandchild and my inability to do likewise in the near term. The kids may be telling me what they think I wish to hear, but I do not think this is the case. Her actions and comments to them fit the mode she has been in.
On the other hand I have been told aside for some of the emotional turmoil I have weathered I seem happier and calmer than when the kids were growing up. The only person I am trying to keep happy is myself. From that perspective a weight has been lifted.
You are right it isn’t over until it is over. It won’t be over until I decide it is over. The D is just a milestone of this project, a bridge on this journey. I decide how I will be affected. I decide, for I control myself and how I act.
I posted this a long time ago. It is true still.
Sitting on my desk is a small glass jar containing black volcanic beach sand from a small pork chop shaped pacific island. The sand was a gift from my son three years ago. The glass jar with its image of six men raising a flag was to have been a Christmas present from W; it was lost to the drama. I decided to give to myself anyway.
When I begin to spiral I try and compare my drama to crossing that beach. I contemplate the drama experienced by the men crossing that beach sixty seven years ago. The drama experienced by the families of those men. My drama has no comparison.
To save anyone the Google search. The island is Iwo Jima. My son was on a work party preparing the Memorials for a ceremony. The volcanic ash is from Red Beach 1. Like so many other places this island is sacred ground.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Good point to compare your drama with that of the soldiers crossing the beach of Iwo Jima. I think I will take that to bed with me tonight - my drama is of little consequence when compared to the men and women dying for our freedom.
You're sounding good despite the hiccup of the extended court date. Good luck on the 24th.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
@BeingMe: Thank you for the well wishes! I’ll have company this time while waiting to be called. My sister will be visiting and has volunteered to keep me company. I am good for the most part. Oh there is still a little hiccup and that rollercoaster runs occasionally, but these days it seems as though it is a kiddie ride that ends quickly. I hope you are doing well.
Remembering those who have struggled against great odds for a cause honors their memory. They set an example of conduct. Will we? It is a concept instilled during trainings past, one that I needed to be reminded of. That is when my attitude began to adjust. When I stopped lamenting my plight and began to heal. Each of us draws upon our own strengths to become whole again. We receive advice and support, but the work belongs to the individual.
Journaling: At the last meeting I wrote a check to W for her half of the Fed tax refund. I made a mistake; the amount on the check did not match the description. It was a human error. I was under a little stress when I wrote it out. W returned the check to me with a brief factual note of the error and a SASE.
When I posted the envelope I noted she listed herself in the address as MRS. Odd as previously she has used her given name. It means nothing! At this time last year I would have attached great significance to this minor aberration. Now at this stage it is at best something to note.
After work today I will help SIL1 move some furniture she has purchased privately. Life is beginning to return to normal on the in-law front. I was a little worried how that would end up after the sh!t storm W made over my participation in the family Christmas rituals.
Recently I participated in several meetings working closely with a married female co-worker. We work well together and she praised our accomplishments and my contributions up her chain of command. We both perceive value in continuing to work together on this project.
Of course this made me feel good and I spent time reflecting upon all of the emotions I felt these last few days. I am attracted to her, wholly inappropriate I know. There is good and bad in this. That I am healing enough to begin feeling again is good; however the depth of feeling and that it is about a married co-worker or a co-worker for that matter means I am not healed enough. I suspect this means if I were to begin dating and someone were to show interest I would become infatuated. This would be disastrous. I have more healing, more growing to do, more life to live.
I have added another item to the bucket list. It is too far off to begin planning so it’ll sit in the bucket for a few years yet. The centennial anniversary of the Battle of Belleau Wood is a little over 6 years off. Whether it is acknowledged locally or not I will visit the memorials summer 2018.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
At the last meeting I wrote a check to W for her half of the Fed tax refund. I made a mistake; the amount on the check did not match the description. It was a human error. I was under a little stress when I wrote it out. W returned the check to me with a brief factual note of the error and a SASE.
When I posted the envelope I noted she listed herself in the address as MRS. Odd as previously she has used her given name. It means nothing! At this time last year I would have attached great significance to this minor aberration. Now at this stage it is at best something to note.
Good perspective. It's interesting for sure.. but not more, nothing less.
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
Of course this made me feel good and I spent time reflecting upon all of the emotions I felt these last few days. I am attracted to her, wholly inappropriate I know. There is good and bad in this. That I am healing enough to begin feeling again is good; however the depth of feeling and that it is about a married co-worker or a co-worker for that matter means I am not healed enough. I suspect this means if I were to begin dating and someone were to show interest I would become infatuated. This would be disastrous. I have more healing, more growing to do, more life to live.
Other than the fact that she is a married woman, I see this as a very good step. Time really does heal the heart. We wonder how we will survive, yet we always do.
One day you will be ready and based on what I read above.. I have full faith that you will know when that is and how to move forward.
Keep on keeping on.
((( )))
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
JS, I have spent a good deal of time reading all your threads the past few days. You are a good man. I spent some time reading about ninelives. I shed some tears. It put some things into perspective for me. You are amazing. I hope you keep posting here. I, only into this for a few months, hope to learn from you. In the space of 4 months, my divorce will be final. I don't know what will be in the future, but I take great strength from your journey.
I'm glad that you got praise for your work, but step gently with this married co-worker. Being attracted to her is dangerous. Please don't pursue her, even if she wants it. Although, I don't feel as if you are the type that would, but it's worth the warning.
It might be time to start dating single ladies, and see how that goes. It might distract you from M/co-W. Otherwise, you are doing awesomely.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
@BeingMe: Of course this made me feel good and I spent time reflecting upon all of the emotions I felt these last few days. I am attracted to her, wholly inappropriate I know. There is good and bad in this. That I am healing enough to begin feeling again is good; however the depth of feeling and that it is about a married co-worker or a co-worker for that matter means I am not healed enough. I suspect this means if I were to begin dating and someone were to show interest I would become infatuated. This would be disastrous. I have more healing, more growing to do, more life to live.
Yes, I second BeingMe.
While it is great that your feelings are coming back, be cautious acting on those feelings if they are towards a married person. Maybe just enjoy the feelings for a day or two, and then ignore it and move on. Where married people are involved let your head rule.
One thing that has kept me 'clean' in that area is by saying to myself that I deserve to be number 1, not number 2, 3 or possibly 4 in line.
Hello Stunned, Like your idea for a visit to the battlesite. I have been contemplating taking a trip this fall to either Prague, Scotland, Bastogne, or Montana. Quite a variety, I know, but have been having a hankering to get to Bastogne, don't know why,
You are sounding good, continue to lean forward! Semper Fidelis
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
I like myself. I will improve. AIO