Cadet, I've been reading about Pursuer, Distancer, Hoovering, and Monster (!). It's a lot of information, but so far what I've read makes sense to me. Forgive me if I am being a bit slow, but is that what you mean with:
"Re-read MY advice and follow all of it"?
Your advice was for me to:
"Try google searching for the title of the book with the word mlc. You are correct that their is no e-book, and the book may be out of print. You do not need to buy it. And understand that this book is a relationship book, not one on MLC. If you find any information on it, like a book review, then you might register for that website."
Am I even on the right website? Could you be more specific? I feel that you are sitting on a wealth of information and knowledge that I need right now, and that I am clueless as to what to DO with the information.
I have a question about the average length of an MLC crisis (I know, it varies and totally unpredictable but still...). My H suffered from depression when I met him (in 2002), at that time I didn't really understand what depression meant. In my family depressed was something you felt if you came home with bad grades or had a bad day at work etc. Anyway, following the birth of our son in 2007, H went to visit his home country (which is not my home country) for the first time in many years, and came back a completely different person: Extremely depressed, wanting to leave me and the baby, etc. A long period of hard work followed (this is waaay before I discovered DB), with visits to psychiatrist, medication and so on. I realize in retrospect that this might have been the actual beginning of his MLC.
Now he is gone, and this time an OW is involved (last time there wasn't). The presence of H's mother (who doesn't live in the US, but sometimes comes to visit H's uncle here on prolonged stays) always triggers something in H - and of course she is here now. She left him at an early age, after which he was molested by another relative. Anyway, though I know there are no clear cut answers, I still would like to ask: Is there an average length of an MLC crisis? I have a feeling my H's crisis began in 2008, though he didn't leave until February of this year. I just read Laura Munson's "This Isn't the Story You Think It Is", and her H's MLC crisis seems to last 4.5 months. I know, I know - wishful thinking, but I'd like to ask nevertheless. Unfortunately, my H has way more emotional luggage than Ms Munson's seems to have had.
And BTW, Cadet, thank you so so much for your advice! Very, very helpful. I feel so blessed having "met" you and everyone else here, I count myself lucky in spite of all the mess right now.
H came over this morning. I had been reading and re-reading the "Pursuer/Distancer" chapter in "The Solo Partner", which really is so great and very much true for our R. Anyway, following a dismal weekend, I decided to distance myself as much as possible today. I've been doing some of it already by barely replying to his txts and never answering calls. It's tricky, because of course I HAVE to answer when he asks how S is doing.
Today for the first time since he left, H asked how I was doing. I nearly fell off the chair. Again, when he came into the room where I was, I sort of moved out to another, and then he would work himself in there, and I would move on. And so on. I also went outside for a walk, but had to return because I wasn't done with work (I work from home).
I could see how he was pushing for me to go back to "pursuer" mode, by asking what I was going to do about issues he knows I'm worried or concerned about. I either said I didn't know or I just shrugged. It clearly bothered him. Now HE is worried, because I couldn't care less. And that's the honest truth: It's such a relief to have given up control over so many issues (such as S's school in fall and what I will do about finances - I won't be able to solve these at the moment anyway). He also tried to bring me down memory lane by telling me he'd run into the doctor who delivered our S - I barely replied.
Well, H didn't seem to get going at the time he usually does, so I told S that soon we'd go to the pool. H asked when we'd go and I said "Oh, in about 15 minutes", after which he took his jacket and left, though there were no trains to the city then.
Just before S and I ran to the pool, H texted me some money concern, to which I didn't reply (if it doesn't pertain to S, I don't answer him). He used his pet name for me in that text, which he also hasn't done since the Bomb Drop in February. When we got back from the pool there was another txt from him asking how the swimming had gone. I know I shall have to reply to that one, but I will wait a little bit.
I am def not expecting any miracles, but it certainly feels as if there's been a little bit of a shift in our R. And most importantly, I feel a bit better.
I sometimes wonder what the difference is between how my H is acting now (MLC) and temporary insanity.
evas - I'm in the same boat as you. I've actually explained to my friends that it seems more likely that he's been abducted by aliens instead of believing what he's been saying to me. Gosh, I really wish I could slip him some antidepressants!
Me: 42 H: 44 M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2 S: 14 D: 10 D: 8 Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me) 1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12 2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12 Moved out: 2/12/12
