Hi. I've been married for about a year and a half. We have a son that is 15 weeks old. This is my first baby and I'm told hormones are still unstable in my system. Even though I don't want to, I still have sex with my husband at least once weekly. I'm in graduate school and am in my internship. I also wake up with our son every night. My husband stays home with our son the three days I'm at my internship (about 20 hours weekly). He doesn't cook or clean, just watches movies on TV.
This week, I discovered my husband sent an email message to someone telling them he might be interested in a FWB (frieinds with benefits) relationship, he's been looking on pornographic sites, and visiting websites geared toward cheating on your spouse.
I have been trying hard to keep our marriage afloat, but he still behaves as though he's single. When I was pregnant, I had gestational diabetes and he opted to buy bowling balls when I needed food. He has also left me seated on the toilet, crying and pregnant to go bowling. These are jukst two examples of many. I don't feel loved or appreciated and don't know what to do. I suggested we get marital counseling months ago, but he has rejected the idea.
What is there left for me to hold on to? What am I supposed to do?
This is so much like my own situation. I've been married for 2 years and 2 months and this is our second separation. The first one lasted 10 weeks after i asked H to move out (he was only coming home every other day - he wasn't even working then!) . He moved back in August 2011 and I moved out in November 2011 when i found out about the affair the day before he took OW to our country to introduce her to his friends and family. DD is 17 months now and I have been like a single mum since i was pregnant because he was never interested in helping me in any way. He has seen her twice since November (asked to see her a few times but doesnt show up). He now sends money for her monthly but she doesn't recognise him when she sees him. The marriage was hell while it lasted. Affair started 6 months into the marriage and was always denied when i probed. H started disappearing weekends, ignoring any requests to spend time together, telling me he didn't love me at all.
Found out about OW in December 2010 from call records. Got the we are just friends story (she didnt even know he was married). In March 2011, she told me 'From what i understand, your marriage is as good as over'. Both of them still insisting they were just friends.
Finally confirmed on 25/11/2011 (stole his phone while he was asleep). Found out they were travelling the next day (he had told me he was travelling to work for a week). Texts from her pressuring him to move out, saying 'i cant talk to my boyfriend when he's at home cos his wife might hear' and 'you are shacked up with your wife'. I just couldnt deal with all that.
Looking back, intead of waiting to confirm the affair, once you suspect one, act as tho he is having one (Detach, GAL etc). It was hard for me to GAL with no money and a baby, but i should have tried.
Me 33, H 34 T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch) M 4 DD 3 OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010
1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea) OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11) I moved out 3/12/11
Thank you for your posts. I appreciate them greatly. By the way, if I do have sex with him, we use condoms. I've considered cutting off sex altogether, though.
Since my post, I have confronted my husband with what I discovered and he told me a number of things:
"I didn't think I'd get caught." "When I get the urge to have sex, I do stupid stuff." "I think I need therapy." "I didn't DO anything." "No one answered the message." "The message didn't go through, anyway." "In the message, I said I MIGHT be interested in a FWB relationship."
...like any of that made me feel better. I'm still hurt and he thinks an apology should stop my hurting, but he's apologized to me about using porn before and he did it again. I think an apology means you'll change your behavior. He seems to think an apology means "I'm sorry I got caught" and doesn't change his behavior.
*sigh*
I don't know what I got myself into. He deliberately withheld telling me he used porn before we got married because he knew I'd decline his proposal. There are a number of other things that have surfaced since we got married and especially since our son was born. I'm just waiting...Not sure what I'm waiting for...I'm just waiting.
Would I be wrong in thinking you are the type girl who thinks she should go by the "what's right" rule? It's hard when the other S is not doing what's right. I was the wayward one in my M, and it's my personal experience, plus what I've read about, that I say this.....I think it would be fair to assume your H is addicted to these sites.
If you didn't consider what was right....what would you want? Do you love him and do you want to stay with him now that you've found this out about him?
Is he employed? Does he have other addictive issues? Do you worry if he's watching the baby or on the computer? You have a lot to think about, Jen. I'm so sorry this has happen. You have so much on your plate right now, and I wouldn't blame it all on hormones. Not wanting to have sex could be simply b/c you are exhausted. I would also guess that you are not that attracted to your H, and no wonder!
Do you have family that lives near by? You need a lot of support. You'll have it here, but you need family, too.
Sorry for asking so many questions. Just trying to get a better picture. I hope you will post as often as possible.
BTW, I am one of those "what's right" girls, too. I was on the wrong path, but I found my way back to doing what's right.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you, everyone, for responding. I appreciate it greatly.
Cadet, I don't think I have postpartum depression, but am going to go to the doctor to find out, anyway. Everyone seems to think it's the stress I'm under. My husband is far from depressed and seems to think everything is fine until I don't want to have sex with him. I will do my best to continue to work on me.
Luvless, my H's behavior is very hard to swallow, but I am doing my best to ignore him. It's hard...and I am definately taking care of my baby!
Gabbysmom and Starsky, the sex thing is a hard issue for some reason. When I do decide to, we use protection (for obvious reasons).
Sandi, ask all the questions you like. It helps me to think. I do try to consider what's right, but lately I've been considering what I want and need. I don't know if I want to stay, honestly. He is unemployed. I asked him to get a part time job, but he said, "Why get a job when I'm going to quit soon?" I answered, "Because your family needs the money." I don't know what he does when I'm gone. I just pray he's doing right by our son and goofs off when I'm home...and you're right, I'm not attracted to my H.
I confronted him about his email message and web surfing habits and he told me: "I didn't think I'd get caught." "I didn't really DO anything." "The message didn't go through." "I said I MIGHT be interested in a FWB relationship." "I do stupid things when I want to have sex and you don't give it to me." ...among other things. He thinks since he apologized everything should be okay and I should not be hurt, but we've had the porn issue before and he apologized. He didn't tell me about the porn issue until AFTER we got married because he knew I'd decline his proposal. So, I came into the marriage and got blindsided.
My family and some of my girlfriends know about how he's been treating me prior to this incident and many have told me they wouldn't blame me for leaving. There's actually a lot more going on. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
In addition to feeling hurt, I'm also feeling lost. But here I don't feel so alone...
He sounds very immature and selfish. I am concerned about him staying with the baby. You really don't know what he does during the day? I think you can figure it out. I went down that path and I know that one can get so caught up spending time on computer, cell phone, etc., and lose track of time & what they are suppose to be doing.
I'm also concerned that your H has no desire to make a living for his family. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant again! He has you bringing home the paycheck and he sees no need to find a job! Did he work in the past or has he always been undependable?
You can't respect him b/c he's not behaving like a H & father should act. Is that what you want to live with the rest of your life? I'm not trying to push you to D, but I know young women tend to have dreams of their man changing to better......but seldom does that happen. You have to look at reality.
Were you pregnant when you M him?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
