Last week, my W text me about signing some tax documents. She wanted to meet up for dinner, to which I agreed. I was going into the dinner very loose, trying to keep the conversation light. (Seemed hard since I had not seen her -or spoken to her- in 3 weeks). She walked in a greeted me with an amazing hug. Through dinner, she explained what a hard time she was having, how she missed me, how she thought of me, how she felt "we weren't done yet." She noticed I was not wearing my ring (she still was), and this made her emotional. My reply was "I'm sorry if this hurts you, but you decided to separate from me. I'm still married, I'm just not IN a marriage right now." (Not sure if that was the right thing to say or not but that's what I said).
We had a very nice dinner. Full of laughing, good conversation, good times. It felt like it did the first time we went out years ago. She felt it too. I didn't address our future or even our marriage. We stayed out talking for 4 hours and ended the night with an amazing kiss (several actually). She said "all I need to know is when I will see you again."
Since then, we've exchanged a few texts, all very nice.
So the 180 (no-contact) has absolutely worked, so far. Now I'm concerned about what I need to do next. My goal is to get this marriage going again, but I can't fall back into my ways of being her doormat. She commented a number of times about how good and happy I looked. How I seemed to be handling everything so well. And she questioned if there would be room for her in my life. Again, the tables have seemed to turn here.
But I really don't want to play games. I want to get this marriage back on track, without rushing into anything. We've only been apart three weeks, though emotionally we've been apart a good 6-12 months. So while the results of the 180 have been incredibly positive, I'm just unsure of the next step. I miss her like crazy now, moreso than before seeing her a few nights ago. I just need advice on the next prudent step.
I'm still married, I'm just not IN a marriage right now."
MW123 - I have to say I got a chuckle out of this one! Thanks!
This all sounds pretty good. It sounds to me like you're getting positive results from what you're doing. I think you have the right idea about taking it slow. You may want to continue to observe for awhile and see if you keep getting positive results. Keep doing what you're doing right now. If you get to a point where you think she may be amenable to MC, you can broach that topic. You may want to consider shopping around for MCs so your homework is done if the topic comes up. Look for a pro-marriage MC who practices MWD techniques.
I'm going to suggest a slightly different tack here. I THINK YOUR WIFE IS TESTING YOU. Considering what you've said about her complaints in the past (about you being too easily manipulated), and your own honest feelings about being too much of a "doormat," I would suggest that you COMPLETELY BACK AWAY at this point, and send her a note something like:
"Hey, I had a great time at dinner -- it was fun. I don't want to give you the wrong impression, though, as I've been happier lately than I've been in a long time, and I'm just not sure how I feel about things between us right now. I hope you understand. Gotta run, I'm late for something, but I did want to thank you for the dinner invite and let you know what a good time I had.
Midwest" (no "Love, Midwest" or anything else mushy)
I think she's waiting to see if you will simply come running at the first drop of her "nice" hat, and I don't think your being that malleable makes her feel safe . . . at all.
[quote=midwest123] I'm still married, I'm just not IN a marriage right now."
As someone new here and still on moderation, I don't know when this comment of mine will be released. But I wanted to say I think this is a great line. Simple, to the point, without being pushy.
I have a lot to learn, working my way through the DR book, but is threads like this that give me hope.
Q1
M: 48 W:49 M:16 T:19 No kids Distancing last 18 months I have no feelings for you (we should separate): Feb 24/12 Me voluntarily moving out: Apr 1/12 (Fool's Day!)
Thank you all for the positive feedback. Would still love to hear Sandi's take on this. My W had told me that I would need to make the next move. This sort of feels like games one plays when dating. Not really fair, I guess. I'm certainly not pursuing her right now. But it's hard to not want to be there with her. I am missing her like crazy and just want this to work out, but am trying to remember the 180s that made her interested again.
There's a couple of names for this "nice guy", "beta", are the two that come to mind. Google those two terms, there's a lot of good books you can read about it.
There's also a good website I like
Marriedmansexlife.com
Finally I'll leave you with a phrase a very smart friend told me about what she likes in men:
"I want a man that can stand up to me, because it means he can stand up for me."
At the time this quote blew my mind, my poor little "nice guy" brain was enlightened. I promise I'll read your old thread, so I can give some good advice, but please check some of that stuff out. It really changed my life.
