Picking up where we left off . . . I'm OnMyWay

[OnMyWay]

Long story short, wife has moved back in. It's not all a bed of roses, but neither of us expected it to be. It feels like we are picking up where we left off when she moved out. Here's the links to my story:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2139268

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2146685

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2169008

Just here to get settled in. I'll try to find the drive/desire to post more soon. A lot of work to do here.

[hopingandpraying]

I'm happy that your wife has moved back in. Best of luck to you and her. I am envious that you have your W back home!

[~ kd ~]

Good to see you here, OMW.

Let us know where everything is at for you.

[angel61]

I read through your last thread, OMW, and I am so impressed. You really have found yourself, and I have no doubt you will be able to handle the hard work that piecing involves.

I have been posting here in piecing myself, but started without having reached that level of self realization as you have, and I will tell you that it led to too much expectations. It was hard going from a semi-detached mode to being involved without aving that true sense of self, where you are responsible for your own happiness. Right now I am going through a rough time, and could only pray that me and my H would be able to pick up after this fall. But one of the good effects is that I am more and more able to understand the concept of being comfortable in my skin, and realizing that no matter what happens, I will be OK.

Keep us posted though, as I have a feeling you will be one of those to emulate.

[AJM80]

Lots of love and best wishes to you guys. I met a woman at the gym a few months ago - she and her husband were working out, adorable couple. We got to talking and she gave me the high points of all that she had put him through...not unlike some of what your wife went through and put you through. Be strong and stay invested/diligent. Other people have pulled it off and we are all pulling for you to successfully heal and look forward to a long life together.

[OnMyWay]

Thanks for all the kind words and welcoming me to "Piecing" everyone! I certainly do appreciate it!

Ok, I dropped in, got set up and took off, leaving you all hanging for a whole month - my apologies. Obviously, my attention was needed elsewhere. I'll try to get caught up by posting in a three parts: first, how we got to "Piecing;" second, how it's going; and finally, where I think we are headed. A lot of this will be journaling for my own sake, but I hope it will be of use for some of you who may be able to apply my sitch to your own and see find some sort of value from my experiences. I just spent some time reviewing my last few posts in "We're separated..." It sure is interesting to see my progression.

First, to catch up, after the holidays, my W disappeared again - my guessing was that she had gotten too close and had to pull back . . . again. I went back to my own thing - my own life. A while back, I had reconnected with a former female client of mine, who had made a pass at me back when I was still happily married. Back then, it scared the bejeezus out of me as I would've never dreamed of cheating on my W. This time, I was separated and things were different.

She was moving, so there was no real concern of a relationship. But, we did get to spend some real quality time together and, I have to admit, it was very nice. With all the positive work I'd done on me, I had a confidence I hadn't experienced in a long time. Plus, it felt wonderful to be appreciated by a beautiful woman again; to share and be close to her. It was a cloud 9 experience for me, for sure. Alas, she moved away a few days before Christmas.

WAW spent the Christmas holiday with D9 and I. We had a great time. I'd received a bonus just before the holidays. Unfortunately W had her laptop stolen from work and she seemed at an all-time low. She mentioned how Karma was treating her so badly she was worried about simple things like driving. Her Karma seems bad enough I felt awful for her. I mulled it over and, as I had the extra money, decided I wanted to help her. I bought her a new laptop. It took some thought to make it happen, as I wanted to be sure I was doing it because it was what I wanted to do, and not some half-assed effort to try to impress her or woo her back. In the end, I gave it to her, felt good about it, and moved on - my ego still in tact; no apologies.

We had some great family days during that holiday season and W & I got along really well. I knew, however, it would pretty much come to an end once her school started up again, which it did. I realized at that point, I could no longer play this charade - this game of back and forth. My ego was too strong and my patience too thin. She disappeared again, her attitude changed, and I found I was no longer interested in our life as I knew it. I was just too tired of the limbo and had too much of my own life to live.

W continued the back and forth up until the middle of February, when I began to push back hard. I put her on the spot a few times. I could tell it scared her to death - on one hand thinking I'd leave and on the other worrying about coming back. But no more limbo for me as I was ready to be on my own and move forward with my life - I finally was ready for a divorce. So, on February 14th, I sat her down, told her I was tired limbo, and gave her the options: we divorce or we get back together, with my preference being divorce. She needed the day to think about it and would give me my answer that night.

That night, she opened a flood gate of stuff! She admitted her "friendship" with her guy friend had developed into a relationship during our separation. I informed her she hadn't been lying to anyone but herself. I was sure she was involved with him, our friends were sure of it, and the whole charade of their casual friendship hadn't fooled anyone. She had the look of surprise that I knew, yet wasn't angry about it. Indeed, I was good in my skin and nothing was dissuading me from my life mission. I laid my proverbial cards on the table - I hadn't wanted it to come to this, but now was the time to do something about it. I told her, since it had been her decision to leave, she should have final say on our decision to divorce and I would respect and support her decision, no matter what. She informed me she didn't want divorce as she would feel like a failure. She informed me she had been thinking of and wanting to come back for months; that she had even discussed it with the OM.

She wanted to know when I was expecting all this to happen? I told her whatever we decided, we were deciding now and it would have to happen ASAP. For example, she was coming over on Saturday for D9 time. We could then draw up papers online, get them notarized on the next Tuesday, I could have them filed the following Thursday, and in a little over a week, this would all be over; we'd each be free to move on with our own respective lives. She asked, "And if I come back?" Slightly stunned, I replied, "Ah, same answer - we get to it immediately." So, there it was - I'd played my final hand, went all in, and was ready for the beginning of the rest of my life. All I needed was for her to agree to divorce terms and then . . .

"I'll need Thursday to give OM the news and break it off with him. I can move my stuff back in Saturday morning. I'll come back."



Hell hath just frozen over . . .




I maintained my composure, yet admitted freely I was prepared for and had expected a different answer, but that was her decision and I committed to honoring and respecting whatever decision she made. I would support this decision. She said we'd need counseling, to which I absolutely agreed. For the first time in months, I felt my bullet-proof persona crack. We quickly ended the conversation and called it a night. She left.

I remember waking to an uneasy realization - she chose freely to come home, while I had wanted a divorce - yet I have just inadvertently given her an ultimatum, or at least she would interpret it as such. Sh!t!!! I was royally screwed and I knew it. There was a lot about this that was bad: she will hold it against me that I forced her to make a choice when she wasn't ready (not that she'd actually ever be ready), she will blame me for ruining her relationship with the OM, and EVERYTHING that is "wrong" at my house or with my parenting skills will be my fault. I'll certainly be blamed for everything wrong in our M. Sometimes I really hate being right.

She came back on Saturday, Feb 18, the day after the one year anniversary of her leaving. She announced to our D9 what she was doing and D9 was THRILLED! I was so happy for D9. I realized I could handle quite a bit crap just to see her excitement and provide her with the potential for a better life. I would not buck the trend, but instead see where this would go. D9 was worth a lot of effort on my part.

I'm OnMyWay

[OnMyWay]

The first week, I stayed out of W's way, letting her get settled in and having some space to deal with her emotions. The end of the second week, I decided to put on my big-boy britches, make something of this marriage, and take her on a date - "Man Up" as it were. It was a good date, but we'd had drinks and ended up having sex at home after. BIG MISTAKE, even though I'd judged her as willing and thought she'd enjoyed it more than me, the next morning I awoke to Mrs. Hyde herself. Things calmed some and the next week, not learning my lesson or thinking I could "power through" her negativity and make a real connection like real man, I tried sex and she seemed receptive. Good morning, Mrs. Hyde, again. At this point, not only was our feeble attempt at a married sex life not working, but everything became wrong. She wasn't "feeling" anything and this wasn't "working" for her. All this time, however, she seemed to further entrench herself at home and forced her way into parenting decisions, for which I'd had most of the responsibility for over the past year. I was starting to feel like we'd made a mistake by not getting a D, yet I didn't feel she would ever consider leaving again. She blamed me for not including her or for going around her in parenting. She blamed me that our child had no discipline, that I was too soft and that it was my fault she always had to stand up and be the bad cop to D9 and her friends. I'd remind her we still had the divorce option, but that just added fuel to the fire as if I was using mind games on her to trick her into this marriage that she obviously had no intention of leaving. If I said something like, "Well, honestly, do you feel you are really trying?" or "You are the one who chose to come back," she'd just accuse me of falsehoods, trying TOO hard, and forcing the issue. She'd tell me I'd changed and wasn't the one she'd married; that I was too positive and it felt phony; that she resented my rosy outlook on life; that I wasn't living in reality.

During this period, we discussed counseling many times. Neither of us were particularly fond of the idea of going back into counseling. I for one didn't want to continue to pound away at our mistakes and continue to pour hot oil on the flames of our past, but rather wanted a way to move forward. I'd read on this board about Retrouvaille and offered it to her as an alternative, telling her I'd be willing to entertain the idea. I provided her with the information and left it alone. We ended up look at their web site together and requested more information. On the 23rd of March, we signed up for the April session, hoping for anything that would offer us a better direction.

With this new "hope" for us, she decided to "take her turn" to take me on a date, buying tickets to a wine tasting event - I was very worried. As tough as it was between us, the last thing we should be doing was drinking together. I was right. We ended up leaving early, with plans to go have food and more wine somewhere else. On the way, all manner of badness was brought up and we ended up going straight home, both saying bad things that closed the freezer door on the ice of our "new" marriage. At least we didn't try sex again.

This was all awful; five weeks in and we had already gone from neutral to pathetic. She missed the OM and blamed me for not being able to understand what this was all like for her. I complained that her R with him was inappropriate to begin with so my understanding was a mute point. Eventually, this new "life" began to take its toll on me and I felt the cracks in my new persona becoming chips. I felt myself crumbling. I knew this was all wrong, as I no longer felt like myself. I was loosing all the work I'd done on me and I was sad about it. I'd had enough, but I was pretty sure she would not be leaving - divorce was not going to be an option unless I was to be the one to go and there was no way that could happen. As my only option, I withdrew into myself.

The next three weeks, we hardly spoke to each other, living a weird coexistence; sleeping in the same bed, living in the same house, parenting the same kid, but living completely separate lives. It did allow me to regain a little composure and glue up some of my cracks. As our Retrouvaille weekend grew closer, the tension became palpable. I was trying to remain open to the idea of the weekend, but was worried W's idea was that this weekend would provide her with some sort of epiphany on how to fix this. Even our D9 seemed worried about us going away, not knowing if we come back together or separate. On the two month anniversary of her turbulent return, we entered the Retrouvaille program, which would force us to leave behind all connections to the outside world, focus on each other, learn to communicate in a much more functional and positive way. I knew it would be tough, but I had no idea it would be so emotionally draining, physically exhausting, and totally engrossing.

We are not religious, so we skipped the Catholic Mass at the end of the program and left. We were simply wiped out. While we both had positive things to say about the weekend and felt we both gained a lot of clarity, I could tell W hadn't discovered the epiphany she'd hoped for. It came out on the ride home and we pulled over to work through it. She was having a hard time with her feelings for the OM. After all our weekend training, she wasn't using the techniques we'd learned and I wasn't understanding what she was telling me - I thought she was ending our marriage. I ended up arguing back and bad mouthing the back-stabbing, former friend, home-wrecker OM and asked if he was still even available to her if she was deciding to go back to him because, "knowing him, he's already gone and banged 50 other women by now." Yup, that was the wrong thing say. I'm a real idiot sometimes. We were able to calm down, step back, and use some of our new tools to better understand each others feelings and helped each other understand better. She simply didn't believe I could ever understand the way she was feeling and she needed so badly for me to understand.

We drove home, got settled in, had dinner with our D9, and went to bed early. However, the power of the weekend and the disappointment of our argument kept us both up. Then, something happened and I once again gained clarity I'd lost since she moved back. The conversation rolled around to whether or not I'd had sex with other women while we were separated. She knew I'd dated, as she had given me permission to do so. I came clean that I'd had sex with one woman once, but it was my experiences with my former client (who I didn't have actual intercourse with) that had the most profound affect on me. Over the Retrouvaille weekend, we had discussed how I'd actually did want the divorce, which shocked her. She had always believed I was just using that as leverage to get her back. She originally knew of this woman's advances for me back when it first happened years ago. Now she was surprised that, not only had I had sex with someone, but that I really had been over her and had rediscovered this other woman with whom I shared an emotional connection. While I did not have a real relationship with her, I admitted freely how happy I had felt in my experiences with her, how loving she was, and how what I received from her was something I needed, as a man, that hadn't received from W in a very long time.

Out of all of this, I was able to explain that, while W needed me to understand how she felt about her feelings with regards to the OM, I was able to apply my experiences with this woman to understand far better than W ever imagined. Not only was I sympathetic, but I knew EXACTLY how she felt, how our marriage was no longer fulfilling, and how the excitement, beauty, and sexuality of someone else was a surrogate for what was lacking between us. I also pointed out how she herself had identified the timeline of leaving her pervious boyfriend for her friendship with me (which grew into our love), and ultimately leaving me for friendship with OM (which grew into an affair). That parallel shocked her. She was able to see the trend and, I believe, could conclude that it would most likely happen again. For me, it took much of the magic out of the OM, especially when I identified that, while I indeed have powerful feelings for my OW, I'm not going to drop my life to run off with her in some sort of schoolboy fantasy.

She was able to give back to me that I had said inappropriate things about OM and, in light of new information, may or may not change the way she sees things, but that she certainly has a lot to think about. I wasn't going to get in a tit-for-tat about OM, as our experiences are indeed different. She wondered my reasoning for telling her about all this now, if it were not to "level the playing field" with new information. I told her the impetus for telling her was that this OW is coming to town in June, that I have a professional relationship I must maintain, and that I wanted to be completely open about this stuff. She asked if I were considering leaving her for this OW. I am most certainly not. While it is undeniable I love the way she makes me feel, my true place is home with my family.

With the air finally clear, we both fell fast asleep.

[OnMyWay]

This is all a lot of writing. I admit it to be a condensed version of a MUCH larger story, but I think the major points are clear. I believe I've made many mistakes here, so 2x4's are not necessarily needed. On the other hand, of all that I did right getting to this point, there's little my W would ever give me credit for. And that's ok as, as she points out to me regularly, we are STILL here and still trying to figure it out; that is worth a lot, if you ask me. I give her tons of credit for that one thing alone.

After our Retrouvaille weekend, life came crashing back in on us Monday morning as I went off to work and she hit the books to study for a final exam. Retrouvaille left us both something - not necessarily the same thing, but something to each of us. For me, the biggest thing was sharper clarity on who I am, why I may be this way, and that I need to understand that I have difficulty conveying what I really think and feel; I'm a man, so that is not unexpected. We also learned that everyone is going through the same things as we are. We certainly communicate much more effectively and that is worth everything!

There's a follow up program that goes for 13 weeks. Assuming W didn't discover her fix-all epiphany and knowing I have to rearrange my work schedule to attend the followups, I was unsure what she would decide to do. I called her Monday morning from work and asked her if she wanted to continue. She was very certain in answering yes. That night at home, we did our work together, practiced communicating and worked on good habits. As I left for bed and her to her studies, I asked for a hug. I got a great one and a smile, too.

Last night, she was a little chilly, but admitted the "new information" has been weighing pretty heavily on her, as she's not sure what to do with it. I mentioned it is all in the past, where it belongs. I'm leaving that alone for now as she knows to communicate her feelings if she wants to and I'll listen & understand. In about an hour, we'll repeat our process/program for the evening, so I'll most likely get an update. Tonight could be totally different, but as long as we are working it, tomorrow will be another day.

We are now back to one-day-at-a-time. For now, that's a real good place to be.

I'm OnMyWay. Thanks for reading my story. I'm sure there'll be much more to come.

My best to you all.

[25yearsmlc]

well she went to Retrovaille with you and she stuck it out and heard at least some of it...

so she's giving you enough "credit" to at least give it a shot. I think you got some small to medium size miracles but maybe you just cannot see them.

IMO it's too much to expect to KNOW that you'll both want to do all the exercises and follow up. We missed some and made some but life happens and you can miss some but not assume that the spouse is "throwing in the towel"...

Our follow ups were only monthly, after the initial weekend. That was enough b/c it takes a good month to process a new step or method of conflict resolution if you've ingrained unhealthy habits for a long time.

I sense your disappointment that she's not "fully cured" (my words)

and her disappointment that the full epiphany didn't happen. But in a way you are both saying the same thing but, in a small way, blaming the other a little, for doing it. IOW you seem to think SHE'S being unrealistic for expecting the epiphany, but you are also bummed that she didn't have it...

It's not a 2 x 4, but just a gut feeling.

Maybe it's a lot harder b/c you really thought you two were done so you put your cards on the table and didn't have a lot of expectations....

(I'm VERY glad you realize you REALLY did dump an ultimatum on her and perhaps b/c you were NOT so invested in her choice, it went your way.

But I'd be hard pressed to ever advise someone else to try that...Yikes!)

Next time you hit a bump in the road, think of your d9s' face when you told her your w was moving back in...

sometimes we need to let our children give us the clarity we seek - and they're right in front of us.

One day at a time...that's right. But those days add up and when you have a month, or 3, you can go to the scenic overlook and take in where you've been.

I would NOT suggest taking the temperature of the R too much anytime soon. Your w has a lot to process.

Let it sink in before you check in again, if you know what I mean.

Unless it's part of the follow up. We sometimes took breaks from it b/c life does get in the way. NOT saying to put your follow up on the backburner at all...

just saying SOMETIMES mandating a rigid schedule for the follow up is like taking the temperature of the r when you or your w may need to simply let things be for awhile.

Kind of like NOT talking trash about "OM being such a user & jerk" and all that.

Hey I'm not saying that to be mean or as a 2 x 4,

but to remind you that even with all your progress, even now

a comment as goofy, mean sounding & counter productive as THAT, came out of your mouth at such an important delicate time...

So stay on your toes and we'll keep rooting for you.

Also, I promise to say this just once b/c I know you are not religious, but

from where I sit, you were given some amazing gifts from the universe recently...

Though you hoped for an epiphany w/finality and clarity
don't forget you originally thought she'd say "divorce"...but

she shocked you with her answer about staying married, or trying, & she shocked you by agreeing to attend Retrovaille

and the retreat itself was available to you locally & at THAT time (only offered twice a year near here but when we sought out ours, we saw that it was being held 2 weeks later ON our anniversary..so, um, I was almost a tad weirded out by the universe's clarity if you know what I mean...)

so now & then you might want to remember where you thought you would be, and see where you are instead.

Congrats on the hard work and the beginning of this new chapter.

"Write this chapter" of your life in a way that YOUR character lives the way YOU want him to live...

IOW, be the author of your life's novel, in charge of your life & happiness...

((( )))

[oldtimer]

"She wondered my reasoning for telling her about all this now, if it were not to "level the playing field" with new information. I told her the impetus for telling her was that this OW is coming to town in June, that I have a professional relationship I must maintain, and that I wanted to be completely open about this stuff."

Some things:

(1) Your response to her question about motivation is B.S. Really. Get honest with yourself and with her. I would guess that part of your motivation would be to relieve your own distress at keeping the secret, part would be to get her to realize a little of what YOU are feeling because of her infidelity -- leveling the playing field in a way, part would be because you wanted to share your own experience to try to help her see some things about her own experience, part would be to reveal that you really could understand her pain and loss in missing OM, and part would be to simply try to be open and vulnerable and to remove roadblocks to true intimacy.

(2) You have no business continuing ANY sort of relationship with your EA. Out of respect, care, and concern for yourself, your W, your M, your child, your family, end that contact completely, transparently, without reservation. Your professional life will simply have to suffer that loss. It does not take precedence over your family. Period. Really. There is no grey area on that one.