WAW close to moving out, please help

[cdavis]

ps

I also think your wife MAY have real medical problems but you are quite vague about them. Does she have a definite diagnosis?

Diagnosed with Depressive disorder, anxiety, insomnia/nonorganic sleep disorder. Complaints of Sleep problems, mood swings, joint pain, episodic numbness and weakness concerning for demyelinating disease, lightheartedness, fatigue, weight loss, numbness and tingling. Had had episodes of entire body going numb. Had lots of blood tests and MRI. MS and Lupus ruled out. If she doesn't take Ambien I will here her up at 3am doing stuff. She sleeps better in day. She has told me she is "heavily" medicated and that is how she dealing with pending separation/divorce. I only know of her taking cymbalta and ambien now. Wellbutrin, paxil, xanax in past. I think several different types after wellbutrin was stopped.

As far was our discussions about her meds, I mentioned once that I thought the changed around oct/nov last year (I know she went off a unknown anti-depressant and starting taking cymbalta at that time). I have not mentioned it except for then. I sent one text to her sister "I'm concerned about xxxx, and would like to know if there is anything I can do to make situation better for her. Please give me a call".

She is noticably unstable (although I don't tell her I think this), she has left notes around house accusing me tracking her, bugging phone, and calling her bosses (non-true).

[cdavis]

Thanks for replying... I've read many of your posts and hoped you would see my thread!

Does she have a history of psychiatric issues?

Depression, anxiety...

Have you called her mentally ill?

Not directly, but told her (once) I was concerned she acting this because of changes in medication. She obviously has the impression I think she is mentally ill. I will never bring it up again, I was concerned for her. I told her I did not think it was normal to quit on a marriage of 12yrs that involved 3 kids without trying to work out differences. So I certainly implied it.

are you an MD? Why are you diagnosing her? You don't seem to get how insulting this is to her. And how she must want to flee your presence. IT does not come across as loving to me.

It looks manipulative, and as if you want to make this about her being crazy

I don't necessarily tell her these things, I was trying to post a "full picture" here. For example when I found the list (which I do think is paranoid/crazy), I only showed it to her and told her I would never do those things, and had not.

overburdened wife w/3 kids.. doesn't ask WHY that would be or try to help.... etc.

I did certainly did not do 50% of work before, but have generally been pulling my weight for last 2 months. I AM more involved than most men. Shown improvement here.

90% of women on anti-depressants have h's whom they describe as "Critical."

Defiantly something I need to work on.

so you never picked up on how unhappy your wife was until right then? Never?

I did, and I should have done more. I was caught in rut... she did not do anything for me so I didn't want to do for her. I see the light now.

I think you are missing a real opportunity here.

A chance to change your life and improve your marriage.

I see it, I am making changes and want to fix/improve marriage. Accepted blame for my faults and told wife I could and would do better to correct them, and have followed through with action.

Your w sounds very sad, overworked, vastly under appreciated, with low self esteem...she is desparate to be happy. I think the kissing of OW which your w's friend witnessed, was very destructive. I'm shocked you don't think it was a big deal. Another dagger to her ego I'm sure.

Agree. I think its a big deal but W says its not. It defiantly prompted her to walk away. She was talking about wanting Separation before that. I can't take it back. I told her I was wrong to do it.

So how are YOU showing that you are different now?

Taking kids out on my own. Further encouraging here to go out with friends, etc. Trying to be supportive and helpful whenever possible. I did about half laundry before, but starting doing most of it along with cleaning up house on my own. Have watched kids so she could work late a lot recently (I think she is napping during day so needs to work more at night).

Your "3 weeks" made me slap my forehead.

I "get" this. But contested divorce will likely kill relationship forever. Told her I would be OK if she stayed as a roommate to buy time. I need to show improvement, now quick, just to get a delay to buy time.

but I don't know what changes you are making. ANY 180s?

Started running, working out... very noticeable changes already (15 lbs of weight gone, muscle gain) over last couple months. Dress better. She as largely attributed my changes to "doing it for other girls" either now or for when after we split. I pick up kids and take them out to dinner on my own more. I stopped using computers at home. I started being fully involved in bedtime process.

Have you gotten some counselling to see what you can work on to improve yourself?

No, looking at myself. Just got DR book, and posts here.

Thanks!

[cdavis]

Possibility some changes may be working. We had a nice conversation last night (she opened up about work problems). She is acting more pleasant. I think I even noticed a smile! I did not push... proud of myself. Something about the summer was mentioned and she indicated she may not move! Previously it was out asap or best case would be out at end of kids school year. I was shocked, but didn't respond to it. Its not much to read into I know.

[25yearsmlc]

ps

I also think your wife MAY have real medical problems but you are quite vague about them. Does she have a definite diagnosis?

Diagnosed with Depressive disorder, anxiety, insomnia/nonorganic sleep disorder. Complaints of Sleep problems, mood swings, joint pain, episodic numbness and weakness concerning for demyelinating disease,

that^^^^ is huge. It's not some vague "fatigue" syndrome. It could be Parkinson's or ALS, or something not yet diagnosed. Sounds horrible & terrifying.


lightheartedness, fatigue, weight loss, numbness and tingling. Had had episodes of entire body going numb. Had lots of blood tests and MRI. MS and Lupus ruled out.

If she doesn't take Ambien I will here her up at 3am doing stuff. She sleeps better in day. She has told me she is "heavily" medicated and that is how she dealing with pending separation/divorce. I only know of her taking cymbalta and ambien now. Wellbutrin, paxil, xanax in past. I think several different types after wellbutrin was stopped.
----
She is noticably unstable (although I don't tell her I think this), she has left notes around house accusing me tracking her, bugging phone, and calling her bosses (non-true).

first, please address the other questions I posed in those lengthy posts.

Second, You are posting here, she is not.

You are the only person we can advise. You cannot change her.

You are the only person you have any control over.

Learn to see this as empowering.


So what are YOU doing for your growth? What are your GAL and 180s?

[cdavis]

Thanks so much!

first, please address the other questions I posed in those lengthy posts.

I thought I got them all. This is what I found that I missed:

You want to make her wrong and crazy and tell yourself you're a great guy.

Posting this here to try to give a complete background but not trying to project this to her.

Recently: Not pointing out her faults, I'm taking blame and telling her stuff I should have done differently when I'm actually speaking to her.

2 Months ago: I put pressure on her for her to improve, told her stuff she did that I did not like. This probably pushed situation over the edge. Can not take it back. I made a huge mistake by not completely owning up do the incident with the girl. Instead of just apologizing like crazy what I did was... apologize, but point out that wife suggested I get a mistress. Then go on to tell her how nice it was to have someone that wanted to be with me, looked at me like that wanted me, etc. This put a huge amount of pressure on her and certainly let to her belief that she could never be what I needed. I know this was a mistake.

But your right, otherwise inside I think I have been good husband and she has ignored me and not been "as good of" a wife.

Dig deeper. Be a man only a fool would leave. Turn things around by changing YOU.

I am changing me (now).

I doubt her anti-depressants would be a custody issue, b/c guess what?

If you believe she's not mentally fit to take care of the kids, why'd you leave her with them all these years? You can't have it both ways.

I avoided this one because I would rather make it about fixing things not dealing with divorce/custody disputes. She has not shared a lot of medical history but I have been digging since. I haven't really "left" her with kids. I've been gone 2 nights (on a trip with friends), and maybe around 10 nights (on business trips) in last 8 years since we have had kids. The couple times she took kids since separation talk everyone stated at her parents. The 3 lawyers I spoke to thing it will be a big deal. The instructions from her doctors for some of the meds specifically say to not take them unless someone else is able to watch/help with kids. I would think this would be a issue for someone that wants primary custody.

She has only appears to be over the edge in the last week or so. I am more worried about fixing things now, and then dealing with custody if it comes to that. Her actions with the kids seems OK.

Second, You are posting here, she is not.

You are the only person we can advise. You cannot change her.

You are the only person you have any control over.

Learn to see this as empowering.

That's why I am here.. I need help dealing with it from others that have had to. I think I can do it, I just going to need some luck on getting the TIME to do it.

So what are YOU doing for your growth? What are your GAL and 180s?[/color]

This is difficult for me to pinpoint because last Oct/Nov she threw out separation talk a little, and at that point I thought I was more than likely to be the one that would want to split. I tried to keep it to myself. I had already known there were a couple of attractive ladys that where interested in me and I thought grass would be greener on other side. I had a few flings that she never found out about (yes, I realize it was wrong now!)

At that time I started being more active, running and working out. Getting out of house to hang out with friends (1 to 2 times per week). Previously I never did anything with friends.

Then late Jan she was the one that wanted out. It just hit me then that I wanted marriage to work. It was my epiphany moment. Yes, it should have hit me sooner, but it didn't.

I've added weight lifting. Trying to take running to next step by signing up for a 5k. Change in diet. I pretty much stopped all computer use and watching TV completely (if I was on the computer or watching TV before when she was having to do something for the kids or clean it would really upset her). I've starting taking on some household cleaning. I try to do 50%+ of kids work now. Encourage her to go out. I stopped going out completely (not sure if this is a 180, this was my 180 before so I reverted back to old me). I've tried to throw in something odd, I wanted to take kids by myself to beach for short trip but she freaked out. I pulled up bushes in the yard and put down new ones (wasn't really a good reason to do it, just something I wanted to do). I stopped calling her completely (which I never did a lot of before). Tried surprising her by picking her up for lunch (called to ask, we work in different cities so never did this before) but I was rejected. Not making advances toward her. Not making any physical contact with her. Not sure what else to change! I'm thinking about hiring a maid... any time wife has to do any housework she gets really upset. Or get up before her and start vacuuming to freak her out.

[cdavis]

She is still full steam ahead with divorce. Things have been more plesant, she as been acting more "normal". She is taking kids away and not communicating well, I just act like it doesn't bother me. I'm going to see a personal trainer and take working out to next level. Took down pictures this morning, did laundry and cleaned house, everyone is still asleep and I have been working for hours. Died my hair blond (for a 180). Meeting with her attorny next week. Still just looking for time and some sort of opening on her part. Spent an hour this morning skimming through Divorce Remedy book and trying to read relivant sections.

[cdavis]

Have a meeting scheduled with her attorney later this week. Everything is going OK for the last week. I haven't decided wither to go or not. Any opinions. I think if I cancel she may be mad... and if go she certainly may be mad as not planning on backing down from what I want custody and asset wise. I would love to talk to her about things, but following the advise of not instigating conversations about the future, us, or the divorce. I'm hoping she will bring it up sometime this week.

[labug]

Why are you meeting with her attorney?

[cdavis]

To discuss settlement agreement. She is still pushing ahead (but seems to be not as rushed). Discussed this with my attorney and he thought it was OK. I still don't want a separation/divorce but trying to play ball on it.

[labug]

Got it. Good to know you have your own L.