Most of you can ignore this post. I just need a place to journal my feelings right now. I hope this is ok with the mods. I have been divorced now for almost a year. I met someone in December and things were going really well. Then I find out in February she had been lying to me about a few things and cheated on me (we decided together in January to be exclusive).
One of her lies was that instead of being divorced for 4 years, she wasn't divorced yet and was getting a divorce. If I had of known that from the start, I would not have continued. Right now, because she was married for so long, she is in the stage of "getting out and experiencing life". She loves attention from men and will do whatever she has to to get it (I think you understand what I mean from that).
We have broken up and got together a few times in February. This last time, she decided to "be with" a guy she had just met that was the boyfriend of another lady I introduced her to. That caused them to break up as he has a problem with keeping it in his pants (especially with women with low self esteem). Here is where I am right now. I know I deserve so much better. But for the life of me, I can't understand why, since I am the one who keeps breaking up with her, I keep wanting her back. With all the lies, her love of attention, her not able to say no to anyone, her inability to express her feelings and talk about things, oh yeah and her massive drinking...I still know that when we are with each other (I don't mean sexually), it is so good. We have so much in common, it's the way she laughs, her facial expressions, the way we cooked for each other, being next to each other... I have been praying for weeks about this. I am so conflicted. Is it that I am just so lonely that I am willing to put up with anything to feel any type of togetherness? Do I really love her and want her back? I know regardless, she needs to get some things out of her system and go out there and have fun. Lord knows I did it when I got my divorce (please forgive me Lord again for some of the things I did). In my mind, I think if I give her 6 months, maybe it might be out of her system. But in 6 months, she might be out of mine (and probably, she would be).
I do want to say that my entire life, I wasn't the most sucessfull with ladies. I was always shy and didn't have my first real gf until I was a junior in high school. Reall, I only had 4 up until I got married. I never was the one to break up with people...I think because I was afraid I wouldn't ever find anyone else. I wonder if that is my problem now. Maybe I am afraid I won't find anyone else again. The problem with that is I KNOW I am attractive and have qualities women would like. I can talk with people really easy. But I have no "game" so to speak. I have no idea how to start a conversation with a total stranger.
Divorce Busting gave me the skills to know I am going to be ok (I owe Michelle my life for this). I make my own happiness. I am happy with myself, just sad at the situation. Again, I don't expect any replies to this, I just needed to speak my mind. I know how much this forum helped me during my divorce. Thanks for listening...Love you all!
We do things in life because we are looking to fill some need...
Lets say that you are lonely (in THAT way)... it would make perfect sense that you would pursue someone whom was filling those needs for you...
So the question isn't whether you are lonely... the question is, what needs are driving you to FEEL lonely? What is the deeper need within you, that is creating this scenario for you?
Is it connection with others?
Is it simply sex?
Is it a desire to feel significant through someone else' eyes?
Is it a desire to break the monotony of an otherwise independent life?
Take a moment to consider what is driving your actions...
The other thing to keep in mind is to see things as they are versus seeing them as you would like to believe. If you just recently started dating her and she's already lying and cheating, that's probably not a good sign right? Why would you think that would get better?
One approach you may want to consider is setting boundaries and preparing yourself mentally to be ready to enforce them without compromise -- i.e. if you lie to me I cannot be with you. That way it's explicitly up to her to decide to either act the way she needs to for you to stay engaged, or she should not expect you to be around.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
The other thing to keep in mind is to see things as they are versus seeing them as you would like to believe. If you just recently started dating her and she's already lying and cheating, that's probably not a good sign right? Why would you think that would get better?
One approach you may want to consider is setting boundaries and preparing yourself mentally to be ready to enforce them without compromise -- i.e. if you lie to me I cannot be with you. That way it's explicitly up to her to decide to either act the way she needs to for you to stay engaged, or she should not expect you to be around.
Accuray
Agree with Accuray, 100%. ^^^
Brian, I have a ton of male friends who are divorced. I have been nothing short of STUNNED by how many (seemingly quality) women they attract, and what constitutes a "good catch."
You will do just fine, trust me. This is no time to compromise your integrity and beliefs.
We do things in life because we are looking to fill some need...
Lets say that you are lonely (in THAT way)... it would make perfect sense that you would pursue someone whom was filling those needs for you...
So the question isn't whether you are lonely... the question is, what needs are driving you to FEEL lonely? What is the deeper need within you, that is creating this scenario for you?
Is it connection with others?
Yes, that has a lot to do with it. We connected in a way that I haven't felt in so long. This is what I miss the most and want so desperately.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Is it simply sex?
Not in the slightest. That doesn't matter to me as much. I had my fun right after I got divorced. Not looking for that anymore
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Is it a desire to feel significant through someone else' eyes? [/quote
Hmmmm..Maybe, but that ties into the connection. It was there. It was real. Just bad timing.
[quote=Kaffe Diem]
Is it a desire to break the monotony of an otherwise independent life?
I don't know about that exactly, but I am lonely. It was great playing "house" with her (she stayed with me most weekends and some weekdays...even brought her dog over which I miss just as much)
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Take a moment to consider what is driving your actions...
Thanks for responding. This place is such a blessing. I doubt I will ever leave here.
The other thing to keep in mind is to see things as they are versus seeing them as you would like to believe. If you just recently started dating her and she's already lying and cheating, that's probably not a good sign right? Why would you think that would get better?
One approach you may want to consider is setting boundaries and preparing yourself mentally to be ready to enforce them without compromise -- i.e. if you lie to me I cannot be with you. That way it's explicitly up to her to decide to either act the way she needs to for you to stay engaged, or she should not expect you to be around.
Accuray
You are so right...I do see what is really hapening. That is why I am so confused as to why I still have these feelings.
The first time all this happened, I did set the boundaries. The next time something happened I ended it. But that didn't last long. I am a sucker for her big brown eyes.
Brian, I have a ton of male friends who are divorced. I have been nothing short of STUNNED by how many (seemingly quality) women they attract, and what constitutes a "good catch."
You will do just fine, trust me. This is no time to compromise your integrity and beliefs.
Starsky
I know in my head I will be and do just fine...It's the NOW that is bothering the heck out of me. Why am I glutton for this punishment so much???? It's only been 2 months basicaly. That is why I am so confused. Maybe a REAL 2x4 will knock some sense into me! LOL I bet I know a certain ex who would be willing to give it to me! HAHA
Brian, you've been here longer than me. Your registered date is when my W's EA was in full swing and I had yet to discover it, so I feel a bit like a newbie giving advice to a veteran.
I read a book that talked about the fact that as children, we are all "abused" in some way, in that no parents are perfect.
Whatever that "abuse" is, we learn to cope with it, construct defenses around it, and it becomes our comfortable place.
We're attracted to people who make us feel comfortable, or abuse us in the ways we are accustomed to being abused. That's why our relationship patterns tend to repeat.
I'm not there to look at this woman's "big brown eyes" or appreciate how good she smells, but if she's cheating and lying, then she's not valuing you the way you need to be valued for this to be a good relationship longer term. She has to "want you more", and she has to fear losing you.
If you stop pursuing her, and convince yourself to treat her as a friend, maybe she'll come back and maybe she won't. If she doesn't, good riddance. If she does, be hard to get. You can do it.
Get out on your new ski boat and enjoy yourself! You're dating. You agreed to be exclusive, but then she wasn't. I would say your exclusive agreement is out the window, so do some casual dating yourself!
Is it the woman you were attracted to, or the "feeling of being in a relationship" that the woman was delivering. Those can be hard to separate. You don't want someone who is "just good enough", you want someone who is great.
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
