Regarding Rule 11 and some imagery

[Ichrus]

I am grateful for these boards and the stories, struggles and advice I have read and absorbed...so wanted to share a few random thoughts and things that I discovered going through my own sitch that have helped me.

Re: Rule 11 "Do not say "I Love You" (it is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you...". I completely agree with this rule, but still found I wanted to say or do something more for myself so I would know I was still expressing something meaningful to my wife (even if she doesn't realize it).

I thought back to the movie "The Princess Bride" at the beginning where Westley is the farmhand and always tells Buttercup "As you wish"...and "That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying "As you wish", what he meant was "I love you". And what was more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back".

My W has had trouble sleeping through all this, and has had strange dreams and nightmares...so I have taken to most nights wishing her "sweet dreams" before bed. When I say it, I mean it in my heart as "I love you", and it helps me to be able to express something in my heart without causing more stress to our Sitch. And who knows, maybe someday she might even realize what I was really saying all those nights...and wouldn't it be amazing if she realized she felt the same again (I am still detached, but one can have some hopes, right?)

Another thing that has helped me is some personal imagery and visualize tools. I see myself (and maybe most LBS) as often being shattered by the Bomb event. Then we go though a much longer, harder experience that I have imagined as a re-forging into something new. So this process for me has been taking all the tiny shattered pieces of who I was, melting them back together through heat and fire and pain, and starting to mold me into something new. I picture a strong Irish steel sword myself, but you can use what works for you. And through the process there are moments of being thrust back into the fire/pain, then put on the anvil and pounded (oh yes, there has been pounding) into a new shape...but there are also moments of quenching and resting and healing. Then sometimes it is back into the fire, but as we are formed into something new, something stronger, something better...the fire does not burn or hurt as much, and the pounding does not hurt as much, and the quenching and moments of peace seem to last longer...and I know I am being remade into something better because of this process, and the fire and pounding will eventually end.

The other imagery is a bit my W shared awhile ago: W threw out an interesting new WAW-ism I thought I would share. She said our M and R has been bad for so long, it was like she keep getting the same meal over and over, and at first she liked it, but it started tasting bad, but she keep at it, and then became horrible and left a really bad taste in her mouth...so now she is just so turned off by it that she doesn't even want to try it, even if it looks a little different, because she still has that bad taste in her mouth. I validated, and at some point, if the time ever is right, I think I might lightheartedly come back with the idea that I am learning how to cook all new things, and the plate is not only going to look very different, but could taste very different as well.

[Accuray]

I just watched "Princess Bride" with the kids -- such a good movie.

In any case, be careful even with the "Sweet Dreams". A good rule to follow is to "follow and mirror, do not lead" when it comes to affection.

You have to give space for the other person to want to lead. If you fill that void, it makes it harder.

FWIW, historically I've wanted a certain level of affection and intimacy in our marriage. I always felt that if I didn't drive that, then it wouldn't happen, and it felt bad and unnatural not having it.

What I've learned is that the more you can hold back, the more your partner can step up. If you don't hold back, they will NEVER step up, and you are, in effect, crowding them out.

Just something to think about.

Accuray