Exactly JS. I let it go and started GALing the Sh!t out of my weekend.
Which turned out to be pretty interesting.. it may be TMI but I'll share as it may be a step others have hit as well.
Last year I set a goal to learn how to line dance. I'm not hardcore about it, but I do have every intention of being able to go to the bar and dance EVERY dance..
..however two stepping and couples dancing has always been last on my list.
This is for many reasons.
1) Honesty - I don't fit into the "stereotypical" lesbian. I'm kinda in the "There is NO WAY she is gay" category...
which caused some problems in my m... but I digress.. lol
so unless it's dancing where I feel it's about the dance - I don't really care to put myself or a guy in an awkward position.
2) I like to lead. That's kinda hard when dancing with guys.
Anyway - I figured I needed to get over both things... so I took the leap.
I need to learn to let go a little.. and had a ton of fun.
First dance went well... 2nd dance lead another and another....
... and I assume g/f's were supposed to bail you out.. but I was wrong.
Anyway, I got asked to lunch and I guess this is the relevant part to this board. How to answer the "Will you have dinner with me question" w/o sounding like a loser.
This isn't the first time I've stumbled over a similar question. I've just always failed epically....
... caz I'm not a liar so it's hard to answer it.
I told him I was unavailable. He asked who the lucky fella is.. and I said.. me. I'm the lucky lady and I'm just taking some time for myself.
He was like "I'm not saying we would build to a relationship. It's just lunch".
My response is... "Yeah.. but I'm not ready for 'just lunch'.
And YES I do realize that I could have just said.. "Thanks.. but I'm gay" but that brings up a slew of questions and honestly that is personal info that I don't scream from the mountain top.
I'm proud.. but not flaming.
The truth is that I am FULLY aware that I am in no way ready for a relationship. I've recently had to distance myself from my best friend because I was attaching to him like I was my w...
.. and right now... I need to figure out me.
Anyway just thought I would talk about it. If any of ya'll have learned awesome ways to say "I am recently separated, divorced, or getting out of a long relationship".. without sounding like a person with some huge baggage that would be awesome..
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hey Val, IMO the likelihood anyone will be asking me out is slim to none, so I’m not going to worry about it.
I have thought about it a bit though. Like you I am not ready and the possibility of becoming infatuated is very real to me. Still I need more personal associations so if I thought it was “just lunch” I’d go and practice my interpersonal skills as they need exercise and at least a buff shine.
If I thought it was more I would decline, and that should be enough. If pressed I will explain I am getting back on my feet following my divorce and I am taking a very slow approach getting to know people.
I have fielded a few questions and made mention of my relationship status a couple of times during casual conversations, doing so I have been factual and sometimes too subtle. I think if they missed the comment I was married to, or my XW is a nurse, that is their miss. I have no need to elaborate the point.
I am dam proud of being a Marine veteran. I step off with the left foot. Standing in a meeting I will plant my right foot and move my left, hands crossed in front not behind anymore. I keep my grooming pretty close to the standard. I check my alignment several times a day. My boots and shoes are properly laced and shined if applicable. My POV has veteran plates. My discharge and a farewell plaque hang on the wall of my office. I believe the leadership principals have served me well in the private sector and I seek to expand my knowledge of their application. If that is flaming so be it.
My point is you can demonstrate pride of self without rubbing another’s nose in it. IMO that is a measure of maturity, self awareness and consideration.
Oh and congratulations on reaching another goal!
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I read somewhere in piercing that you should treat your spouse like a stranger. I'm not piercing but to me.. that seems like a high road to take....
..but it does come with a little bit of pain
Had a conversation with my wife tonight. I told her that although I didn't have everything I needed, I could update her as to where I was with the health insurance.
I'm not really sure why i did this. Treat others as you want to be treated.
Anyway she called me pretty immediately. I thought I heard male voices in the background. It put me off a little although I know she is actively dating.. so I should let that go.
We talked a little about the insurance. She brought up what I did in December when I got reinstated. She didn't want to have to pay the difference of $200. She was like "I didn't have a choice then, I have a choice now".
I kept my mouth shut. Whether she was baiting for a fight or expressing her feelings made no difference to me. I didn't apologize.. I said "I understand that you feel that way".
We laughed and joked a little about insurance when I spoke about my gameplan. She said she typed her emails to me whilst she was in the actual meeting. That she was panicking but also wanted to give me the heads up.
For the most part she was receptive to my gameplan. She brought up her fears. I validated but I also assured her that I wasn't going to reinstate in her health insurance expecting her to pay the family difference. .
She said she didn't know what else to do on her end... I said "nothing, it's all about me and getting info I need to make the best decision for me".
It was really interesting.. she apologized that it was so expensive and she said that she hoped an independent option worked out for me. She even mentioned that she had a friend that went on government issued health care with pre-existing conditions.
For a moment - it seemed like she cared about me.
At one point it got really loud in her apartment and she said something..
.. I honestly didn't know if she was talking to me. I was like "I'm sorry I couldn't tell if you were speaking to me or someone else."
She was like "Oh that's the radio. There's no one here".
Shrug - Okay.
I told her I was really busy this week but would do my best to get the answers for us so we could move forward accordingly.
She said that she appreciated that and me calling her to update her.
I'm sure she did - her head seems to fly away with what I might do to her.
And that was it...
I have mixed feelings about the conversation.
It's really easy for me to act as if.. because I'm genuinely a happy/healthy person...
..however it's pretty painful for us to have that kind of dialogue. The question I ask myself though - is it less painful to be distant.
I don't know. I know the past 5 months wasn't working for me, but then again when I am nice to her.. I feel like she feels like she can just ask what she wants and do what she wants.
And the battle I fight is.. Do I want to be who I am or do I want to show my w that she doesn't get to talk to me as if anything ever happened.
And even though it hurts.. I think I'd rather do option 1. I will guard myself as much as I can from her, but I need to do what makes me happy....
... I need to do with what I can live with.
Honestly I don't know if either will bring me closer to my wife.
At this stage it doesn't matter.. the only thing that matters is myself and being the woman that I want to be.
In a few short weeks, this will be done and I won't have to worry about how to talk with her any more. Like I posted.. it will be such a relief in some ways.
I'm ready to live my life without the stress on my heart. I'm ready to heal all the way.
And leave my w to deal with her own sh!t on her own time.
Is what I'm doing right?? I don't know. I guess it depends on what your definition of right is.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Spent my time GALing the sh!t out of my weekend. It included the guy friend I recommended a book to [edited by dbmod: reference not recommended nor allowed]
It's funny. I'm friends with both him and his ex/gf. She says he's shy and awkward. I don't know.. we went to a party this weekend where we didn't know anyone and had a great time.
I wonder if her negative views of him influences him when he is around her. I know in some ways my w's opinion of me definitely affected me.
I also realized that alot of my friends are very similar to me or w.
Was on a bit of a rollercoaster with my feelings. I read that once my dissolution is complete, my w and I could only register as Domestic Partners again if ruled by the supreme court.
I don't have any hope of my w and I reconciling... but there was a finality to that phrase that made me cry hard...
... but I should not cross any bridges until I have to. Plus I can revoke the dissolution papers any time within the 6 months of processing. Not saying I should or will.. but it's nice to have an option. The hard cry also comes from the increase of positive activity between us. Dealing with those feelings as well the weekend.
I guess there is a part of me that is fearful that this will turn into last fall... where my w thought she could just talk to me when she wanted and about what she wanted... but didn't really want to be friends.
And I've never set the boundary of "Don't talk to me unless you wanna really be part of my life".
But it hurt like he!! and was very confusing. It's funny, the more distant I am.. the more curious she is.
The nicer I am.. the more she communicates with me in small ways.
I have no idea what these things mean... but the emotions behind them are pretty insane.
I emailed her about insurance. She immediately answers and offers help. She also then txtd me that she was wrong about the health insurance she recommended the other day.
I didn't respond to her text. I feel bad about that.
The truth is.. that text is a blessing. I don't know why she texted (and trust me.. my brain went there)... but the fact is.. that it is an option for me and it's an option that I only know about because of her.
And it took me awhile to get there. I am still so hurt by her that she can't win even if she tries. It didn't matter if she was manipulating me to get me to get off her insurance or was actually do it because she cared....
... right now.. I cannot accept a positive from her without some serious pain to my heart.
And although I realize that is not fair to her.. I'm not really sure what I can do.. other than run the gambit of feelings and work on it.
That's a big task for me right now.. because I know that the more "Val" like I am, the more she will positively respond to that....
..but that does not mean recon.
.. and that does not mean she wants to be part of my life.
Which hurts... but I need to accept it. An act of kindness is just that. A nice conversation is just that.
And I continue to move forward with my life w/o her.
Last edited by dbmod; 06/07/1203:31 AM.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, NMMNG was a good book for me I hope your friend finds value in it. I know the rollercoaster of which you speak for I took a brief ride upon it this weekend also.
We can only accept what is provided to us by our spouses at face value. Treat them as a stranger and what they provide as a gift from a stranger is what I attempt to do.
Remember the pre flight instruction about uses of the oxygen masks. “If you’re traveling with small children make sure your mask is in place before assisting your child” Look to your healing first and protect it.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
