As I have said in my recent posts I am very new to the DB Online Community. I have read The Divorce Remedy so no need to list the 37 guidelines. There are a lot of threads to read through, and I have read many of them in my short week plus here. One thing I wonder about the Community is there anyone or more people who feel time is not going to work in your favor?
In my case, my H walked out two months ago. He wants to sell the house we bought in Sept 2011. I agree it is a financial albatross, and there is no way I can afford it on my own even as a career woman making a decent living. My choices after it is sold are to move almost 100 miles away to be closer to my parents and friends who can support me emotionally and help me with raising our preschool-aged D; or move 20 miles into the big city where I work fulltime and could maintain a caregiver situation. In either scenario I feel the palpable message to my H is “yes, I agree we are done and see ya” versus my quietly working on the M. Consider it from the spouse’s perspective who does not know what we DBers are up to. Are they seeing the concession to sell the family home, move away whatever the distance, etc. as prelude to D?
I also have to consider our child who is only 4. It will soon be time to re-enroll her in preschool. I’m not a Rockefeller so I can’t enroll her in one school to only enroll somewhere else (and lose the enrollment fees) because the house sold, and we moved away (far or close.) We have new neighbors with three kids around our D’s age. I use the winter weather as an excuse to not engage in play dates. What would be the point in having everything change for our D, even new friends, when there is so much practical limbo for her (and me but I am an adult and understand what is happening, to an extent.)
Anyone else been in a fight against time?
M: 39, H: 38 D: 4 Together: 19 Y Married: 9 Y Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary) Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday) OW: confirmed, they live together already
As I have said in my recent posts I am very new to the DB Online Community. I have read The Divorce Remedy so no need to list the 37 guidelines. There are a lot of threads to read through, and I have read many of them in my short week plus here. One thing I wonder about the Community is there anyone or more people who feel time is not going to work in your favor?
In my case, my H walked out two months ago. He wants to sell the house we bought in Sept 2011. I agree it is a financial albatross, and there is no way I can afford it on my own even as a career woman making a decent living. My choices after it is sold are to move almost 100 miles away to be closer to my parents and friends who can support me emotionally and help me with raising our preschool-aged D; or move 20 miles into the big city where I work fulltime and could maintain a caregiver situation. In either scenario I feel the palpable message to my H is “yes, I agree we are done and see ya” versus my quietly working on the M. Consider it from the spouse’s perspective who does not know what we DBers are up to. Are they seeing the concession to sell the family home, move away whatever the distance, etc. as prelude to D?
I also have to consider our child who is only 4. It will soon be time to re-enroll her in preschool. I’m not a Rockefeller so I can’t enroll her in one school to only enroll somewhere else (and lose the enrollment fees) because the house sold, and we moved away (far or close.) We have new neighbors with three kids around our D’s age. I use the winter weather as an excuse to not engage in play dates. What would be the point in having everything change for our D, even new friends, when there is so much practical limbo for her (and me but I am an adult and understand what is happening, to an extent.)
Anyone else been in a fight against time?
A lot of us have been up against a time crunch, and have gotten the resulting, vague platitudes: "Time is on your side" and all that. I have read what little you have been able to post of your sitch and see that your child is already being coerced into lying to you by her dad. Despicable! So, "TIME" is not going to help that immediate prob. Get legal advice and see about a separation agreement to protect yourself and your child financially. I have seen too many cases where a LBS is too frozen in fear to make "demands" on the "poor, fogged out WAS." Don't panic; this does not mean you will be divorced tomorrow, just make some sound decisions right now and don't worry that they may "drive WAS further away." BS!!! He's already "away" and you do not have to consider selling anything at this very moment. Put your foot down and take some of your power and dignity back. He may "get angry." STFW? You are fighting for your child's well being. What sort of father would get "angry" at that? A really selfish, uncaring one!!
P.S. When he does get "angry," simply express to WAS that he has given you a lot to consider and you now have decisions, YOUR OWN DECISIONS, to make about your own future. WAS is NOT the only one who is entitled to call some shots here.
Hi PP, I'm not in the same situation you are but early on I came up with many different versions of what I "had" to do. I did none of them and I'n happy I took the time to think and not allow my decisions to be coerced by my H's actions or what friends thought I should do.
I did consult an attorney and then decided to make no life-altering decisions from the emotional state I was in.
It does take time to work through the emotional storm of this.
Other's MMV.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
PP, your h is teaching your child to lie to you. This is despicable and and alters their perception of reality; gas lighting. It is especially damaging when these mind games are perpetrated on such a young, vulnerable child. See an atty about a sep agreement. I have seen too many good people "take their time" right into bankruptcy. And, I've seen a few whose spouses came back glad that at least one of them kept a sane view and made practical, ethical decisions regarding marital funds and child well being.
@cat: You may be, but I am not here to lull anyone into a false fog of their own by playing ostrich. PP posted that her h has coerced, and confused, her child, by getting her to lie to her mom. Yeah, that is despicable.
PP posted that her h has coerced, and confused, her child, by getting her to lie to her mom. Yeah, that is despicable.
Good golly gosh, coersion and gaslighting (which is not the same as lying)...
Such harsh words to apply to this situation.
Words that I didn't see PP post anywhere.
While I agree that her H is incorrect in trying to get his D to cover for him, PP has received some excellent advice from Gabbysmom on her other thread about a way to address this like a rational adult, hopefully without spending thousands on a lawyer.
I do agree that she should get a legal consult to make sure that she knows how to protect herself and her child if she feels the time comes to do that.
Her choice, not mine.
Originally Posted By: HollyAnn
]@cat: You may be, but I am not here to lull anyone into a false fog of their own by playing ostrich.
I am not here to lull anyone into a false fog of their own and I never advocate playing ostrich. I fully believe in having your eyes wide open so that you can make clear decisions.
Decisions which CANNOT and should not be made from an angry, reactive, emotional place.
Again, and I will stand by this forever, acting from a place filled with anger does nothing but hurt everyone involved as well as leaves you alone and lonely.
She can teach her D how to do the right thing while still acting with dignity and grace instead of vengence.
It is up to her to be the rock and set an example for her D now.
Geez Kimmie Lee, don't you have somewhere else you like posting better?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
