So, after 3 months of separation, I've come full circle. From anger and sadness, back to a different anger and sadness. Through counseling and support group, I've been able to understand my anger and resentment and have been able to let go of blame and anger from events in our marriage. I've been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. So, a week ago Sunday, (against 180) I wanted to touch base with my STBX to see where we stood. He doesn't want to work on our marriage. He doesn't see us having a loving relationship, doesn't see it working if he were to move back in, unsure of being able to recover feelings he doesn't have for me, even with working on it with the new tools we learned through counseling. The problem is also that he thinks, even through our 15 year relationship and 3 kids, that he EVER had any feelings for me at all. He wants to be good coparents. I had full faith that if we work on our marriage, we can make it great, but it takes two. I then said, well, I can't change how you feel, so I am giving you what you want and give you full permission to take off your ring. It was a calm and collected conversation. Sad and devastating to me after the conversation, so much so that I carried my kids out of their room into my bed for the night because I needed a cuddle. I didn't let him see my sadness and devastation.
That following Monday, I took my rings off, put my right hand ring on my left hand so as to minimize questions from my students. This past weekend, he had the kids and I cleaned house. Took my wedding pictures down, replaced them with family photos (the kids, me and the kids, STBX and the kids, etc, and absolutely no wedding pics). I FaceTimed with the kids Saturday night and when he dropped off the kids Sunday afternoon and put them down for a nap, he stayed to talk. He said he noticed when I was FaceTiming with the kids, that I didn't have my wedding rings on. He asked when I took them off. I said last Monday. He replied all surprised, you mean Monday a WEEK ago?? I said yes. Then he was examining all the new pictures and acting all weird.
Yesterday, I was outside playing with the kids after we got home and I went inside to get the shed key off the key hooks by the front door. I noticed that his wedding ring was hanging on one of the hooks. I was so damn hurt. Seriously? He could have put it anywhere else. In his cup holder after he left the house, tossed it out his window as he drove away, put it in a drawer at his own place, flushed it down his own toilet, but to put it on the damn key hook where I go at least twice a day so that I'd see it there?? When he came over, I was nice and civil, I told him I noticed that he put his ring by the door. Asked him why he put it there. He said he just put it there on his way out the door. I then asked him why he would do that. He said, well, you took yours off, so I took mine off. I said, well, why there? He just said it was on my way out the door, I don't know. Then I asked what I was supposed to do with it. He didn't answer. I said, this is what we're doing right? This is what you wanted? He said yes. Seriously??? This is what HE wanted! He doesn't want to work on our marriage. He is fine with divorce.
I sent him an email about how it made me feel. I said he could have put it ANYWHERE ELSE. WHY THERE? He apologized and said he didn't mean to hurt me. Okaaay. If he didn't want to hurt me, why there? He said he was hurt, insulted, angry, etc. That he thought we'd discuss it and agree to take them off after talking about it. I said, well, I gave you full permission when you said you didn't want to work on this marriage. I thought that was the discussion and said I thought this was what you wanted. Why would you try and hurt me like that. Why would it even bother you that I took mine off???
Anyway, needed to vent. I am giving this man what he wants. I am trying to move on emotionally and be the best coparent I can possibly be.
I want to add that I've been focusing on myself, trying to 180 the best I can while having to co-parent, going out with friends, lost a ton of weight (down to a size 4 after having my last kid a year ago), working out, eating right, no texting/emailing unless absolutely necessary, continuing IC and support group. Everything I need to do to try and be happy and focus on my kids and work. It's so hard at times, but I know things will get better. I've got my health, three perfect kids, a job, a house, and I know I'm better off than many people out there. I just have to keep my chin up. I'm just not understanding how this man can feel hurt or insulted when I'm giving him what he wants. HE said he doesn't LOVE ME, may NEVER HAVE LOVED ME, married me 10 years ago because he "just didn't have any reason to leave". BUT YET HE GETS UPSET AND INSULTED WHEN I TAKE MY RINGS OFF??? ARRRRGH!!!!!!
Please, words of encouragement would really really help.
This is your thread in newcomers, you may get more responses there than here.
So far he seems to be following the script.
So you need to follow yours.
DIVORCE = SPACE.
I would not help him with the divorce other than to protect yourself.
You do need to give him space. Personally I would go no contact since after the divorce I assume you will not be talking to him. Start now. Learn detachment.
This stuff is hard but you can do it. It takes two to get married and get divorced. Make him work for it do not hand it over on a silver platter.
Sorry this is what is happening but he is a mixed up confused dude right now and LOGIC does not work. So try not to think about what makes sense.
My husband took his ring off almost two weeks ago. Before then he never took it off. Not even to shower. It hurt so badly. I had taken mine off before him only because the sight of the ring on my finger stung like razor blades. I know exactly how you feel.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
