The draft joint custody agreement that my W and I worked on went out to the lawyer yesterday so that he can review and add legalese. I'm impressed with how my W and I maturely put the agreement together...we even had a few laughs. This was hard because it really put the situation in sharp focus...the separation is becoming a reality...and I still very much love my wife. Though my faith has been shaken lately. Last week my W tells the MC that once we separate she might get back with the OM. That news shocked me because just a few days prior she told me that "it was just a fling...I haven't seen him in weeks." Quite frankly if the lying doesn't stop soon this marriage will be over! Anyway, next week she is officially out of the house and into her apartment. I just hope I don't become a total emotional wreck. I've got to keep on GALing! Thanks to all of you for sharing and providing helpful advice...it has strengthened my faith in "the kindness of strangers."
I helped my W move some of her stuff to her new apartment today. This impressed my MIL who said "wow may be you guys will get back together". This made me feel better but within seconds my W responds to her mother - "I don't know mom"; in a very dead pan way. Geez...I've got a long road ahead. But until she lets go of the OM within a few months, I don't see much of a future for us. She has repeated to me that the OM is not her boyfriend...just a friend (while I'm busy biting my tongue till it bleeds I'm thinking..."yeah a friend with benefits"). But in all honesty I don't have a clue as to what is going on! She is moving out completely in two day...I'll just keep on going with DR and GALing...and giving her the space and time she needs. Man it is tough being the happy, helpful friend while getting stabbed in the back!
I'm sorry to hear that you are going thrum this. It looks like younarebdoing a great job acting as if. My h just emailed me after no contact for over 4 weeks Bc he wants to get the rest of his stuff so I can empathaisze with what you are going through.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Thanks hoping. This is by far the most stressful experience I've ever had. Good luck to you.
Thanks for the tough questions truegeitter. I am not sure why I'm still fighting so hard. I guess because I still love her and more importantly I love my family I love the collective us. Now that my w is leaving that us is dead. My identity was wrapped up in the idea of family. It is so hard to think of myself as a single dad...isolated from my w. I know that most likely I'm headed towards divorce because that's what my w decided to do and she always gets what she wants..consequences be damned! I know I have to completely let go.
Well my W moved out yesterday. It was a sad day...but it is somewhat of a relief that she is out...much less tension between us now. I just hope she follows through on the joint custody agreement. I really don't have any evidence that she will follow through on anything. Just GALing now and saving cash for the inevitable.
It has been over a week now that my wife and I are at separate residences. I'm starting to get used to being separated but I miss, very much, the family...the "us". Strange thing is the resentment I feel for my W has seriously eroded my love for her. She has changed so much in 12 months that the feelings and thoughts I had for her don't match the person. I feel very disoriented right now.
Yes truegritter knows the socratic method, that much is certain!
The love I feel for my W is up to me. But how many individuals love their spouses unconditionally? I think I love my children unconditionally but that kind of love is very different. The way I see it I have to some how tease out the true feelings I have for my W from what is expected of us as a married couple. I mean Western society looks at a married couple as a stable reproductive unit, which is dependent on sex. Unless both spouses agree that they will seek additonal sexual partners, i.e. open marriage...acquiring a lover without such a mutual agreement, is in my mind, a breach of "contract". I think I still love my W...but I don't know if I can ever trust her again. Would I not be a fool if I trusted her again without a full apology and a promise that she would never do such a thing again? I guess I'm angry that she had a PA while I was working so hard on addressing her grievances. I would still be mad if she had a PA and I wasn't trying...but I guess I'd understand. May be I'm more confused as to why she did it when I was trying so hard to fix the marriage. I just don't understand her behavior and that is why I'm angry/frustrated? Perhaps the separation will be like a reboot and after a time we might slowly get back together. But how can there ever be a relationship again without trust? In my current state would I even recognize acts of love (versus her just attempting to attenuate her guilt, for example)? Geez truegritter - your questions have just spawned more questions...may be that is the point of the socratic method?
