Don't want to play anymore. Which way to the exit?

[mr mr]

Time for a new thread. Don't know how to do a link on my phone, sorry.
Right now as I sit here today I just want this to be over. I want my M to survive more than anything but W has choosen to push so far that I don't think that we could ever recover. That being said I still haven't found the exit. Some days I feel like I am on the right track and that I am almost there.....then other days I feel just as raw as bomb day. It is better mind you, I guess I naively thought that this would go smoother....or quicker....or easier....and none of these have come to pass.

At times it seems to overtake me out of nowhere, I can be going along fine, having a good day when all of a sudden, BAM!!!! Next thing I know I am a pile of goo sobbing uncontrollably. Then just as suddenly it passes, whats up with that?

Have kids overnight tonight:-) so it WILL be a good night. When I go to court on leap day I will have gone 2 weeks without seeing W if all goes as planned. I just want off of this crazy ride.....and directions to the exit.

Thanks for spending some of your time thinking about me and my family....God Bless you all.

[purgatory]

Ok, so I kept trying to write some kind of pathetic analogy involving the illuminated exit lights, oxygen masks and the inflatable escape slide....

But I think I'll just tell you to keep the faith and know that God will direct you which way to go when you're ready.

It's easy for us to give advice on what you should do, but at the same time, we all know that there are so many daily struggles and emotional battles to survive. I'm glad to know that someone else starts crying out of no where, and is able to compose themselves just as quickly- it's confusing to me as well!

I truly think that our children are angels sent to us from God to be our faith and love everyday... they come in handy during these really hard situations. Enjoy your evening with your angels

[mr mr]

Ugh! Looked at W Facebook page. Never a good idea, what was I thinking. Other than that little bit of stupidity it was a good day. S10 has IC tomorrow, it [censored] that he needs C due to this mess.

[mr mr]

I trust that God will lead me and I think it's time, I pray for wisdom and guidance daily, sometimes minutely, and while in my human self I have been hurt and disrespected to the point that I am just done I still don't feel that God has released me from my marriage. And to be honest it kinda ticks me off! I know the plans he has for me, plans to prosper.....and I have peace in the end, I just dont have peace in this moment as I throw in the towel, raise the white flag and surrender my M to the demons......but I don't know what else to do....she is pregnant!!! This is so beyond what I can tolerate. I need a vacation.

[labug]

Yes, you do.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

YOU need to be happy. You struggling with your M and the memory of who your W was will bring you down over, and over, and over...

[mr mr]

I hear you GM, and I am happy with me, and I have developed the tools that I will need to make sure my next R is the best it can be.......but now and again the loss envelops me and rather than run from it I feel I need yo walk through it to truly put it behind me. One day at a time.

[labug]

I think you're right, Michael but don't let it consume you.

I found this:

The RAIN model by Tara Brach
Recognize we are triggered (big one!)
Acknowledge the trigger (without shame/blame) by just saying "yes, anger, hurt, fear..." - naming whatever is alive in the body.
Investigate with gentleness what is needed to calm the triggered emotional state. What is the unmet need.
Non-identify with the triggered state by cultivating a loving internal witness. Reminding ourselves that we are not the emotion or thought - it is information that is coming to us; needing attention so it can pass through us.
Basically - I see this as letting calming love - RAIN over us when we are powerfully triggered.

For me it's been helpful to have steps to follow when these triggers happen. It allows me to work through the emotion rather than have it take over and create chaos in my mind.

[mr mr]

Thanks Labug, that will be a very helpful thing to remember. I also need to remember that anger is always a secondary emotion and I need to dig in to find that primary trigger if I want to make any meaningful changes.

[purgatory]

Not to hijack.... But that post from labug is helpful to me as well (most of us on here too, I'm sure!) thanks for sharing!!

Michael, not getting lost in our sorrow is the hardest part for me. If I allowed myself, I would probably never get out of bed. Keep your feet firmly planted I your faith and you won't get sucked down into the dispair.

(((((m)))))