Denial....its not just a river in Egypt...

[imthemom]

So, Ive had to start a new thread again...
Thanks girls for all the support...you guys have come to be special friends to me, some of the few people who understand what I have gone through...thanks so much for that!!

S14 is doing much better...we havent really talked alot about the situation this week. I think he is so over it and just wants to move on, but im sure it will come back to hit us over the head. He hasnt met her yet and Im sure that now that its out in the open that will be coming soon. S14 has been avoiding going to Ds house, last Tues he went with his D but said he just wanted to go to park to throw the football..this weekend is his weekend to spend with D although he hasnt in some time, and he is already thinking of ways to get out of it. Its his bday and we are having a party here saturday so he says there is no point going to Ds house...I think he is worried about my STBX having her at the house when he is there so hes avoiding it like the plague....

I have not spoken to STBX in a week, I did not respond the the request to help pay for the ER visit and havent heard a work since. This is the longest we have gone with nc and and it actually has been alot easier on me...no teasing little text from him ....

I did decide to send him a check for my half of the ER visit...I know...but i thought about it for a long time and decided that i needed to do it for my own peace of mind. Its my responsibility as much as his, and its who I am. I didnt do it to make him feel bad or rub it in his face..i just wanted to be able to say that i took care of things from my end and I hope someday he does the same. I cant control how he handles any given situation, but I can control how I handle them. I wanted to do the right thing and it felt right. I just stuck a check in an envelope and mailed it off with no note or anything. Thankfully I can do that since I got the help from my mom, We got a court date and its not until May 2 so I will be in this situation financially for a couple more months at the least..my L had mentioned that maybe the judge would put an emergancy order in place for support and it would start immediantly but I havent heard anything yet, hoping she will call today and give good news on that.

I still cant believe that we are having to go to court over a divorce that HE wanted...and really, we have nothing to fight over, this should be the easiest D on the books and he is dragging it out and making it miserable for all of us. We are going to have to go to mediation over custoday and that is already done and settled...but I have a feeling there are going to be surprises there also....

Who is this person?????


Getting excited about S14s party...should be fun to have a house full of teenagers after it being so quiet around here...ive missed having a house full of people. H is invited and am curiouse how that will go...if he even comes...S14 is so excited, i hope it is everything he wants it to be...loud music and pizza!! yeah!!

[mishka422]

So glad to hear the excitement in your post. It sounds like there are lots of things to look forward to. That will help move you forward.

[imthemom]

interesting turn of events tonight...
S14 got himself into some trouble again..(shocker..that kids gonna be the death of me) this time it involved his cell phone and lets just say that the situation definately called for some male involvement...so I called STBXH this morning to fill him in, and NO i did not text him, i called him because i could care less what he thinks anymore and Im being an adult GEEZ...I dont care if it bothers him or not..

He was surprisingly concerned and decided, on his own, that we needed to get together and "bring the hammer down" as a team. I told him I had an Al Anon meeting that i needed to go to before I could even have a discussion with S14 so he met me in the parking lot of my meeting (so he could see the "evidence" on S14s phone before we talked to him and we could make a plan of attack..LOL)
When we got to the house the conversation with S14 went so well and his D was more involved then he ever has been in his whole life..usually i do all the talking and he just sits there. I did try to not dominate the conversation but for the most part I was just going with the flow.
heres the kicker...after we were done...he stayed another 30 minutes just hangen out, laughing and talking and teasing each other (all 3 of us) like we use to. It reminded me of the person he use to be ...and its the first time ever that he hasnt been in a hurry to get the heck out of the door.

When he left S14 looked at me and said "umm..that was weird"...i could tell he was happy that his D had been involved and at the door they hugged each other and said I love you's...It was nice to see. I dont know what that was all about, but like Ive learned in Al anon...it is what it is..and I cant have any expectaions of an alcoholic, but man was it nice to see a glimps of that man I use to know...I miss him.
Then S14 said.." and ther he goes, off to his gf"....:(

[NNP1965]

but like Ive learned in Al anon...it is what it is..and I cant have any expectaions of an alcoholic

You sure got that right! Hugs

[MynameisMZ]

Gosh ITM....wish he'd wake up!

[imthemom]

it didnt last long...today S14 (soon to be S15) is having a party at the house, all his friends just hangen and listening to music and pizza..his first boy girl party..LOL.
H called him last night and said he couldnt make it...he has to work, but I know for a fact that he gets off at 7pm and the party is going till 10pm..so i guess something else was more important..and S14 was really disapointed but said "what do you expect?"....
and he didnt ask me at all this week what was the plan, did I need any help with the party and could he give me any money to help pay for it...he never even mentioned S14s bday...and considering what we went threw to have him (2 miscarriages, he was 2 months early and i ended up in the hospital for the last month of my pregnancy with complications) it is like a knife to my heart that he didnt even want to be involved...but like S14 said "what did I expect?"...

[verycrazy]

Hi, itm, sorry he was a no show, but your S, unfortunately has come to expect this from him. Some people just have no shame. I hope he did give you some money to help pay for the party. I hope the party was humongously wonderful and that your S had a great time with his friends. And I hope your hearing is still intact.

vc

[imthemom]

thanks VC and MZ...S15s party was a hit...they all had a good time. It was nice having a house full of kids again, i have really missed that! S28 showed up to give his brother a present and hung out for awhile with me, which was nice. I was feeling a little lonely as my 2 gfs that were supose to come and hang out with me had to cancel at the last minute. made me sad because all the yrs before H was always here helping out and just being part of it. this is the first bday party he did not attend or participate in ever......

For his bday present I had agreed to let S15 her his ears pierced...he has been wanting to for years but H would never let him, I had S15 call and talk to him about it and he finally agreed and met us there last night to watch. after they were done he said we should all go get dinner so we went and ate together. It was perfectly civil but there was no attempt to engage me in conversation and really...i could have not even been there and it would not have been noticed. I acted as if everything was fine and there was no mention of why he didnt come to party.

He had sent me a text earlier in the day about not wanting things to be the way they are between us (again...) and that he would always love me for the great mom that I am to S15. I really dont understand what is going on with him..he is so back and forth. I dont know how to have any kind of relationship with him with what he is doing...the D is on hold because he told my L that he was going to speak to his own L and we now have a court date in May. He was served these papers last week nad has made no mention of them or what he is doing. My L has not heard from him so everything is on hold just waiting for the court date. I know he doesnt want to pay the support so he is dragging it out and that makes me frustrated...he wanted this, He is still seeing his ow and makeing this all so difficult but we are supose to be friendly ????????

Since telling S15 about his ow he has a least attempted at being more involved aside from the party...he did tell me he would give me some money to help pay for the party but didnt last night so Im not counting on it. I just dont know how to act with him anymore. I was really looking at him last night and thinking, do I still love this man? could there be anything left now? ..I couldnt answer my own question. Im so confused b the whole situation...I really feel that if this ow was not in the picture the situation would be different. but that is obviousley not going to happen anytime soon. I get the feeling that the relationship has progessed and gotten alot more seriouse, and that is why he is so uncomfortable around me.
I hope the reason why he didnt come to the party was because of me....I dont know why he would feel that way. I make a point of being friendly and kind when he is around, I dont talk about anything more involved then the weather and how S15 is doing in school...I do not hang around when he has come by and give him and S15 there space but that hasnt even happened in months.
I dont know what else I can do....I feel like I have truly "put down the rope"....I really feel like there is no hope of any type of reconciliation. that hurts to even admit but its obviouse that is not on his mind at all ...its been 6 months with absolutley NO sign or baby step of any kind. yet yesterday when we were sitting at the table together I just thought "this is such a shame"....
If anyone at all thinks I should still be giving this any kind of effort please let me know....I still wish I could save my marriage but dont want to loose my self in the process. It has taken me a lot of hard work and pain to get to were I am now. I dont ever want to go back to were I was.

[mishka422]

If saving your M would require you to lose yourself, then no...let it go. If you believe you can hold on to the hard fought changes you have made for yourself while rebuilding your M, then by all means fight. That doesn't mean that you are going to be overt about it. Maintain the road you have been taking. Give him his space to figure out what he is doing. He could very well turn around and realize what he gave up. Of course, he may not and you would have to know that you are ok with that if that happens.

You will have to go with you gut and see where it leads you.

[imthemom]

I have stepped up my Al anon meetings to 3xs a week, and that has been the biggest help to me. I think Ive turned a corner as far as excepting things the way they are. I have been working really hard on step 1 for the past 2 weeks, doing alot of reading and soul searching and i think Ive finally excepted that I have no control over this situation....If you knew me you would know how HUGE that is. Ive always been pretty controlling.

It has been very liberating to admit that I have no control here, I am on my path and H is on his and I cannot stear his ship if Im concentrating on mine. It has given me a sense of peace, the stress and anxiety of constantly thinking has gone, with just a little sadness left because of the realization that there is a huge chance that this is over. All I can do now is move forward day by day and just start a life that is positive and peacefull with out him in it. Its funny...along with that realization has come memories of the reasons I left in the first place. And really....my life now is not very different from when we lived in the same house as H and W. He was as uninvolved as his is now. It has been years since he was an involved father. I hope he works on that for my S15s sake but I have no involvement in that nor can I control the outcome. but I dont hate him for it anymore. People have a right to make there choices...good or bad. and the consequenses are theres to deal with.
I chose to be happy...I just have to find what that looks like now. For the first time I am able to picture it, all be it still a little fuzzy, with out him. And It doesnt look so horrible. Still working on it but I can definatley picture it now.....