MLC or Passive Aggressive or Narcissism Part II

[4myfamily]

Due to popular demand as this thread seems to resonate with so many part II to keep the topic alive.

Original thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2216665#Post2216665

Another link to a very very accurate description of Passive Aggressive Behavior: http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

How many times in MLC do we get reports of the OW/OM and cake eating. See the above link and read about multiple relationships.

[Yasu]

For the entirety of my 32 year relationship, my husband had an established pattern of abandoning the marriage. Just packing up, and disappearing, often, within a week, begging to come back.

Once husband actually moved into his own place, and shortly after my Father's death, I made a "Left Turn," in my life. Therefore, in '89, I quit my HS teaching job, sold the house in two days, and was on my way to Ohio State for a Ph.D., where, I had also had just put the down payment on another house.

He wanted to come with me and relocate. He did. Those were good years. The moment I landed my first serious Univerity position that was worth moving to, began trouble again. One semester could not go by without him doing another disappearing act. My colleagues were not surprised and "saw it coming.". I didn't see it coming. But of course I was under tremendous presure to perform on my job.

He did return, as was the usual pattern, under the conditions of MC, where I learned a number of areas I too needed to improve. The year, however, with this drama, was so difficult for me, that I was prescribed, for the first time, anti-depressants. Once this was introduced into my system, I just seemed to get worse and worse. And my job became more and more difficult. Especially when I took on the role of whistle blower - which may have been poor judgment as I look back on it now.

I have not worked for over ten years. And my husband's issues have been uncomfortable to live with, but I have coped. Clearly, my emotional needs have been of little interest to him. And, he has carried out his abandonment behaviors to an unaceptable extreme, as stated in signature and my thread in Newby called "Separation, Settlement, or Serveillence?"

I read your first post with interest because before I found the DB site, I and my psychiatrist had placed my Husband in the Narcissism catagory. I was completely sure that he meets all detailed criteria - way beyond the typical rudimentary diagnosis. There is a book, it actually took me a couple years to absorb, written by a Narcissist, Sam Vatkin, "Malignent Self Love.". He pretty well nails the concept, variations, and effects of "Narcissism" down with a sletch hammer. It might not surprise you, this Vatkin rewrote the diagnotic criteria for the APA (well, he was correct, it needed to be updated, and has). I guess the book was difficult because of Vatkin's enormous vocabulary, and propensity to use at least three adjectives in his descriptions (two of which I most of the time have to look up).

Thank you for broadening my scope of MLC. I so hope you could tell me your impression of my thread in newbies. Yas

[4myfamily]

Hi Yasu,

I have read your thread. My situation is: I feel my W is Passive Aggressive. These behaviors are fairly insidious and it seems to me your H is rather more than that. Passive Aggressive and Narcissism seem to have a lack of empathy in common but mainly PA involves hidden rage. Narcissists seem to have a very explosive rage.

The extreme narcissist will steal your life, objectify you and dump you. They are incapable of change.

Whatever the reasons/diagnosis you are clearly with someone incapable of empathy and emotionally unavailable to you.

Only you can make the decisions regarding what you want but if what you report is accurate then you seem to be in a toxic relationship which has and is doing you great harm.

If you have adopted passivity to cope it is understandable, the question is how do you show your anger?

I hope you come through this as 'painlessly and quickly' as possible and can rebuild your life soon. Good luck to you.

[WenikiTiki]

Hey 4myfamily!

I was supposed to be headed out the door. But wanted to check some threads......

Anyway so glad I finally took the link to the Passive Aggressive description.

YIKES! Maybe I am beating my head against a wall. I am going to print that out. And highlight the parts that apply. Hope my highlighter has lots of ink.

I have been calling my H on the rail splitting. He gets really mad about it. And he is the master at taking a middle of the road position. (Last night he told me it is hard to love two women at the same time.... in case anyone wonders why I was having a panic attack.)

He is highly successful in his job. Maybe the P/A stuff works well in government budget planning?

Thanks for this, I need to go back and read the whole first thread again. Maybe it will help me with my decision about the rest of my life. Because I just can't keep doing this!

Thanks for your posts.

[Yasu]

4myfamily, thank you very much for your review. Your points are on target. As for my anger, I believe I have swallowed it for so long that is has begun to manifest physically, in some cases. In others, the anger is simply out of proportion to the case at hand, which has not served me well. It's a balancing act. But to be sure - anger never goes away! Thank you again. Yas

[4myfamily]

He is highly successful in his job. Maybe the P/A stuff works well in government budget planning?

My opinion is that the PA probably is not PA all the time, it maybe that is just the target they choose differs. Some may be okay in relationships but PA at work and vice-versa.

My wife is a very intelligent woman who now sets out almost to 'over-achieve' after under-achieving at school. I don''t think she is PA at work. I was the target.

These are the lessons I have learned recently:
All of this starts in childhood, not just for her but for me.
We marry someone who most closely resembles our least emotionally available parent. We seem to do this to complete 'unfinished' business. I married my father. The things I admired in him were his lack of anger, his practicality, basically his PA side.
I am half the problem I have enabled a playing out of the dynamic of my parents relationship, cool father angry emotional mother, Sound familiar?
My W has done the same and induced the anger in me that her father displayed, possibly the only emotion she saw in him as a child.

As a bit of a distraction look at both your families of origin and see if there are any similarities between those relationships and yours. Wht attracted tou to your H. Was it something you saw in either parent?

The PA is great at externalizing everything. They will sit on the fence and never make a decision. That way when it all goes wrong they can play the innocent victim.

Consider making it clear that he is accountable, these are his choices and decisions and point out the past and future consequences of his decisions.

Have you read; Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages in Crisis by Dr Jamed Dobson ? A different take on things.

I sense you really have had enough and you know you are not doing yourself any good so:

Have you tried a big 180, tough love let him know his behavior is totally unacceptable on any level and he will lose you. He must now make a permanent choice. Not in line with mainstream DB/MLC but he is obviously clinging on to you as his safety net.

He will most likely say he chooses OW just to hurt you but it is most probably not what he wants,. Fine he has made a choice and must now suffer the consequences, Point those out in no uncertain terms. Be resolute do not allow him to play the victim this is his decision and all consequences are the result of his actions.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[sleeper]

I agree PA's have a "hidden rage" (sorta the definition) but I'm not sure "explosive rage" is a behavior always present with narcissism. I believe the explosive rage is more consistant with the PA as they may be unable to keep their anger in check all the time.

I believe my X had a great deal of unresolved anger from the abuse she recieved as a child and the refusal of those around her to even acknowledge she was being abused or take action to protect her. She was never validated and was forced to stuff her anger down inside herself. She developed some self-destructive habits and relationships.

Just within the past year her biological father begged forgiveness for what he did to her, blubbering on her shoulder. She says it wasn't a pleasant experience for her (such confessions are made by tge confessor to comfort themselves, not the victim). More emotional abuse?

This thread has made me connect the dots of how volatile her and OMH's
relationship is. I've heard her talk of how angry he has made her and her sitting beside me instead of him at times I now believe to be passive agressive behavior on her part directed at him.

[sleeper]

4myfamiky,

I just read your post and I see family "unfinished business"/patterns as well. My mother is majorly passive agressive. X and my mom hated each other (too much alike?). X had relatives that provided financial support, a role I filled until funds exhausted and OMH now fills.

I've decided next time she sits by me instead of her husband in a waiting room I'm gonna get up and go sit by her husband.