I haven’t been to these forums for quite a long time, but am having a really difficult time lately, so I decided to come back for some help and support.
Ok, today had to go to an appt for my son at a doctor that is about an hour's drive away. Decided to drive separate from my ex-wife. On way there, caught up to ex on highway and noticed her swerve several times, she has been known to text while driving. After the appt, I asked her to roll the window down, and I asked her to please not text and drive while the kids were with her. She angrily turned away from me, rolled the window up, and drove away. She sent a text a few minutes later, saying that was something that shouldn't be discussed in front of the kids, and she added that she didn't text that while driving. I don't understand what I did wrong.
She asked if I would like to join her and the kids for dinner, and I politely refused. I have accepted the offer in the past, but always felt terrible after leaving. So, I decided that I would not do it anymore.
My new plan is to go back to counseling; it has been about a month since I last went. I know that there is a lot that I still need to work on. I am going to “go dark”, as much as possible. I will only discuss things that have to do with our children, and nothing else. I will make exchanges with the children as fast as possible, but not act inappropriately. I have made an appt to talk with a priest. I need to find a way to fix me before I can try to fix my broken relationship. I hope to find a way to fix it, but I also need to find a way to move on if I am unable to fix it.
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
Hi, I am sorry you are having a hard time...if you are ready to do some coaching with a DB coach, there is a $30 off special right now. The DB coach are experts in dealing with individual and relationship issues (including co-parenting). Take good care of yourself! Karen
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
I completely understand what you said and why, and I also understand why your W was angry -- you caught her with her hand in the cookie jar so to speak. She knows texting while driving is wrong (and in many states illegal), and you telling her not to I'm sure came off like being scolded by your parent.
I wouldn't worry too much about it, I don't know what other type of response you'd expect. I can +1 for the DB coach, they sure helped me a lot!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray, thanks. I am trying to not worry about it. It wasn't the response I was expecting, not sure what I expected, but that wasn't it. I guess it comes back to some controlling behaviors that I used to have. I am going to start seeing my counselor again, don't really have any money right now fow a DB coach. I plan on asking this new counselor if she is familiar with DB'ing.
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
I am trying to not worry about it. It wasn't the response I was expecting, not sure what I expected, but that wasn't it.
It would have made me angry, also! It has nothing to do with the fact she was texting while driving. She knows not to do it, but you are the last person she wants to hear telling her what not to do. She's an adult! Even though she has your kids in the car, I can see how you come off sounding like her parent scolding his child, or a preacher shaming a sinner.
You had every right to feel like you did when you saw how she was driving. Just telling you why you got that kind of response from her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You made the comment about your controlling behavior. If you were controlling in your relationship, I can understand why she was angry. She probable feels that you controlled her in your marriage and you are still trying to control her.
My first husband was very controlling and he still tries to control me. I still get upset with him if he makes a comment to me. It comes off him trying to control me.
Maybe try a different approach and a more respectful one. Did you ask her why she was swiveling? You assumed she was texting. She probably was, but don't assume.
Hopeful and Sandi, thank you for your advice. My intention was to not be controlling at all. I was only concerned about the safety of my child, and her too. I will try a different approach in the future. Thanks.
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
