Hi everyone. I have been lurking on this board since Sunday after I came home from church, having blurted out that my husband left me to someone NOT in my inner circle of friends but in my acquaintence circle for 20 years. I need some specifics of DB'ing as I cannot afford a telephone consult. I spent that money on a L consult last week and have another L consult tomorrow.
Here is my story. I have been married to a man I have known and loved since age 12. We started dating seriously in college sophomore year, after which we graduated in May and were married in September and spent the next 8 years moving all over the world with the military and starting our family. Two boys ages 18 (in college) and 16 (at home). He is an airline pilot so he is gone 1/2 of every month and I have stayed home to raise our children and manage our household. A couple of years ago, I went to an online school to be a medical transcriptionist. For the past 4 years I have been working part time from home because of the flexibility that job offers to take care of the house/children/pets along 1/2 of every month. So...you get the picture. He makes all the money and I do everything else. He has a family history of depression and bipolar but will not admit that is his problem because he has a HUGE ego and is quite athletic, etc, and says depressed people don't act like him. He is fantastic at compartmentalizing. ANYWAY, the day after we drop oldest off at college he drops the bomb about flight attendant GF that he has been seeing since May and has feelings for. Whoa....lots of tears and promises to try to fix our mariage, etc. I am literally blindsided. Was he unhappy all summer, yes. Did I think this was going on, no! Absolutely NO! We are best friends and as he says "highly compatible" and he used ALL the key words and phrases from the book....but in the meantime we have great anniversary at our lake house though there is an ocean between us.
Mid September he comes home from a trip and will not look me in the eye....we take dog on walk and he admits he has seen her again and he is leaving. So, he goes back to our lake house where he drinks heavily, crashes our boat trying to get it in the lift, and decides he has not given us a real chance. He comes home a desperate mess and for the next 3 months things seem to be "normal" and he seeks counseling, we seek couples counseling, and we even take a trip to Italy for 9 days. Like I said, very compatible...we never fight, enjoy the same things AND each other's company, etc. We have a very comfortable home and a lovely little town full of golf cart paths. It is idyllic. Anyway...unbeknownst to me he starts it up again in late December after drunk dialing this FA from London. She is 26 years old. Blah......things TOTALLY normal in our life, at Christmas, more affectionate and helpful than ever to me and the kids. Counselors say we are very attached, very in love, etc, which is true and he admits. Then, 3 weeks ago he comes home from long trip, cannot look me in the eye again, acts super strange, etc, and I sneak into his iPad and find NASTY emails from him to her and back. They have been seeing each other, blah, planning future, she encouraging him to lie, wanting to meet our kids, etc. I am SICK, confront him and he says he "needs space" and is moving out. I continue to ask if he needs space to think or a hall pass for sex....all wrong, I know. Go see counselor 2 days later and she says let him go, etc, very similar to Dobson's Tough Love and DB....told him it was his choice and I would wait and prayed daily for God's love to flow through me. He said he "hoped he would miss me so much that he could clear his head and be home soon to NEVER do this again and that he would always love me" (having PAs for 2 years prior to this 26 year old in May) ANYWAY....he moves across town into a rented room. The boys are so upset. My oldest told him to get his act together and don't contact him until he had managed to fix his relationship with me and youngest son. Youngest son said he would go on Winter Break skiing out West with him but didn't want to see him or talk to him...so he flies up to see trashy FA because nasty room across town just that....nasty. I cried and cried on phone to him one night, said I kept thinking I heard his car coming in drive, why did he leave and not TRY to fix this, etc...bad idea and next day sent text saying best not to talk that it upset me too much. So, he has barely had any contact with us at all, a few texts here and there about when he and son are going skiing and that he needed $ on trip, etc. I sit here and take care of all our assets, bills, kids, pets, second home, etc. I rely on his paycheck to come to our account to do so....so I saw an attorney about options should this NOT happen. I do NOT want a divorce. He is in lala land. I am not calling or emailing him other than dealing with children. Pilot divorces are epic though and I worry...so I saw meanest attorney in town that does character assasination to block him from using him AGAINST me. I have copies of all financials, etc, to protect myself. He just walked out. I do NOT want to escalate things, but I do not know exactly how to proceed in this situation. Counselor says this is his reality and DO NOT see or talk to him and just keep taking care of things. Attorney says longer I am the "long suffering spouse" if it comes to that, the better. Honestly, we cannot AFFORD a divorce. I think that reality right there would knock him down. He feels "trapped" in our house (who isn't these days?) and we have pretty big CC debt from several years of his depression (see above PAs with other FAs all over Europe). So....please tell me what to do and how to proceed other than the obvious get a life, 180 stuff. I need specifics. He thinks he can come over and fix stuff and that we can go on dates and have family dinners (told him NO based on counselor and Dobson so I already set that boundary). He is pitiful and says I am the "only one that will talk to him" but after my Oscar winning performance on the phone last week I am sure i will NOT hear from him again...actually call ended when his phone battery died...he "Cared for me too much to hang up" and was "emotionally drained" after the 2 hour conversation. Bad, bad, should have gotten DB when he came back in September. He is drinking heavily and soothing himself with sex from these women and now this 1 girl that he thinks he has an EA with as well as a PA with - said it was like smoking crack...he couldn't think about anything but the sex with her all Fall while he was "trying everything." Saw our oldest friend in the Navy in Boston where he introduced this girl (5 days after moving out) as his girlfriend and proceeded to explain to our SHOCKED friend that it was "simple. He had tried everything and was unhappy and that he was never meant to be married." What to do? Please help me. Oh, I quit my part time job as I could not sit here and think straight. He said he was sorry I did that and that I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain (bargain of work 20 hours a week so he could afford his love nest I guess). Thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I pray for him daily and for us as well. I know I am standing in the gap for him and I do believe this is a MLC because 2 years ago we were rocking babies in the nursery at church and attending small group and taking our boys to Boy Scouts! He is an assistant Scoutmaster in our Troop! He has been showing boys how to grow into men for YEARS now. We have 2 Eagle Scouts. There is an alien in my husband's head for certain!
Thanks for your time and attention to my long post.....
Me: 44 H: 45 Married 22 S 18, S 16 Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
I think you will get more responses if you shorten your post... did you see that you get $30 off of coaching right now? We do have coaches available, and you can do 1 session at a time. It can make all the difference in making a marriage work. I would be happy to talk to you about that.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
You should really consider doing a coaching session it is well worth the money.
Unfortunately there is very little you can do only work on yourself and stay busy. The only thing I know is that these crisis take time. Your H sounds as if he is deep in some crisis and even though its obvious to everyone else what he is throwing away it takes these WAS many many months to see it.
Stop begging and pleading and start a new hobby. Go take care of yourself so that you always look good. Volunteer or join a new group and make new friends.
Post often. Hang in there. It may take a while but we will be here to listen.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Okay...saw therapist today and she was very familiar with the techniques and said, literally, do NOTHING but be upbeat and positive and mirror what he says/does. He is taking our 16 yr old skiing this weekend (who does not want to go) and to see his parents. He has NOT told his parents that he moved out on us. He is having MAJOR MLC on top of dysthymia (chronic low level depression) and the guilt he is feeling will make him uncomfortable and this will not last forever. She said put his mail in an envelope and if he doesnt ask for it then don't give it to him...keep paying bills as usual (he makes all the money) and don't say anything. Say nothing about the kids at all...he is responsible for his relationship with them. I am a military wife...I do NOT know how to back off!!!! LOL! I manage our lives quite beautifully and have basically enabled him to dip out on us, blame us for his unhappiness and seeking solace in the arms of a 26 yr old. Ughhhh.....so he landed tonight and went to his icky room and payday was yesterday. He asked me how much money I thought he should get?????? NONE! MOVE HOME! DO YOU KNOW WHAT DIVORCE COSTS! Of course, texted back what we had discussed and nothing more. I have read DB and am trying VERY hard to detach from his mess. His huge mess. He is a man fond of his creature comforts and I cannot even BELIEVE he is in a back room of a small icky house and not coming home to our lovely home where he would have dinner waiting....I know - quit applying logic!
Me: 44 H: 45 Married 22 S 18, S 16 Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
IS your plan to be the long suffering w as long as you can handle the limbo land? Thought I "get that", I hope there are ways you can deal with that limbo land b/c it's not an easy place to land, let alone stay in for long.
What did your h SAY your marital issues were/are?
See, if he gave you any indication of dissatisfaction in how you handled things, then there is something YOU can do about it...180s and GAL etc...
Otherwise are you concerned he's just bored of marriage and if so, won't he do this again?
Did you say he had affairs before this 26 y/o, for 2 years? With one OW or more?
I'm wondering if it's a pattern or an aberration in his behavior.
But you are the one posting here so we can only help YOU...
What are the things YOU want to work on in YOUR LIFE?
Those are things we can help you with. THings that make YOU happy, things that help you become
a woman only a fool would leave.
(( ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am not calling or emailing him other than dealing with children.
Absolutely! Give him space and give yourself some space to detach!
Originally Posted By: ptcrussell
He thinks he can come over and fix stuff and that we can go on dates and have family dinners (told him NO based on counselor and Dobson so I already set that boundary).
Great job setting that boundary! You want him to see that things will be different if he chooses to leave and that he can't have his cake and eat it too!
Me31 H33 M11 T15 S10, D4 H deploys 01/11 H R&R two weeks 10/11 ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11 homecoming 1/12 pos D 1/13
25yrsmlc...what he said after he moved out (not really - just went to our lake house for a week) was that I was "too nice" and this was "unsustainable" because I was full of joy and happiness and forgiveness and he was an emotional zombie. MC said this is unconditional love which he knows NOTHING about because of his upbringing and highly dysfunctional family. He says this is "all about him and not me" and that it has "nothing to do with me or this other girl" etc. This after several months of MCing. MCs said we are best friends, in love, long history. He said I am great mom, lucky to be with me but that he just needs his space because we "got married too young" and he didnt "have enough sex" with other people in college. Yes, he has been having ongoing affairs with many flight attendants for 2 years. The latest is "different" because it is an EA as well as a PA. He said having sex with her is "like crack" and that it is "too late" for us because "cat is out of the bag" and "people cant change." Heard a song on radio today...something like "sex ain't better than love" and I thought that would be my new theme song! Counselor says he is full of guilt and shame and drinking too much and blaming everyone...better he be uncomfortable with reality of his choice. Yes, looking at my life and trying to remember what made him fall in love with me to begin with. He told MC that it was my "joy" and "loving family" stuff...which he did not have. We literally NEVER argue. I am joyful and forgiving. Asked MC if my fault he moved back out...she said no he just needed to prove it to himself. Yes, attorney said be long suffering wife as long as I can hang on. THAT is my plan. He is a good man, not morally bankrupt, a good Dad, a good husband, and my best friend. I am not giving up on him/us/marriage because he has an alien in his head. I am praying ceaselessly (and for a miracle).
Me: 44 H: 45 Married 22 S 18, S 16 Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
