I'm a not so newcomer, but after a 7000 mile relocation I feel like one. I wish I'd made more progress in the past year or so. I had such high hopes.
For those late arriving to the party, such as it is: W decide to have third child 6 years ago, saying it would be ok since she wanted to stay home. Then promptly changed her mind and went back to work, part-time, full-time, traveling, and on very friendly tems with her boss. She flirts with boss, partly from insecurity and partly for the fun and power of it. She dreses up quite often - mosst when boss will be around. Her office has an amazing number of work events - all alcohol fueled, arranged and paid for by her boss. Boss really gives W loads of attention, especially when drunk. Sponsored large birthday bash for her, and soon after a going away party at expensive resort....before we left for 6 months of relocation for work assignments on the other side of the world. I stuggled with this, to the extent that I sought counseling and took ADs for a little while. I tried so hard to keep up with the family, and my job.....it just wore me down to some depression and anxiety. All I did was care for kids and rush to work and back again to get the kids so she could work a full day. I lost touch with friends and there was no time for "us". It was a tough time for our marriage - I was insecure and she was tired of my whining about it and "not trusting" her. Her coworkers are her best and perhaps only day to day friends; she is closest with her two supervisors, both men. They make her smile and laugh - I don't. They get to see her at her best, dressed up, happy, and excited to be there - I don't. They travel the world together - kid-free and with boss' expense account. She made some consessions - she talks about boss less, because I don't want to hear it. And she invited me along fairly often - so I actually get to see boss drunk and hanging on her. We are here, in a new country, but with the same routine - kids, kids, kids. It's been pretty tough. And each day she confides in her boss/friends - the only time each day she laughs and smiles.
It makes me so angry and sad. I will not go back to where I was a year ago - where it was tough to hold it together and I would want these OR talks that always ended with me apologizing. My W simply doesn't deal in emotions and doesn't want to talk about it - "just get over it" is what she says. "Moving on. I'm passed it."
The most maddening part of all of this is that I just can't decide, after all of this: am I being unreasonable? Is this common oor normal to have this type of friendly relationship with an opposite gender, same age boss? Every day she gets emails from her coworkers - male and female - saying how much they miss her. They call. They spent $400 to send a gift package, including heavy gag gifts. They make her promise to come back.
Does anyone have any advice about what is normal? Or what I can reasonably expect without becoming a jealous, controlling H? I'm a good guy. Really. I just wish my W would have some GIRLfriends, or at least give me a little bit of the time and energy she gives her job and her boss.
I just find is impossible to ignore this and go on and be happy. It is by far the biggest problem in our R and my life.
Apologies to those who have heard this before. I am trying to be strong and calm while struggling to start a new life abroad, without my support systems.
Sorry to find yourself back here. I don't know if there is such a thing as "normal", but to me your W's actions seem quite a bit out of the "norm". While I think people of the opposite sex can be friends, I don't think that works for most people. If both of you were friends with her boss/co-workers, then maybe it would be slightly different.
It sounds like either your W is or wants to have an EA with her boss. Alcohol induced parties open up so much more for things to really go wrong.
Did you move for her job or yours?
It really stinks that your W puts so much energy into her work life and leaves nothing for home.
Even though you are thousands of miles away, please know that we're here for you and we'll be your support system. Come and post often.
Thanks nhmom. There's just so much grey area. My W would say that she just really likes the people she works with, that is is no big deal, I overreact, and I should trust her. And, actually, I do trust that she doesn't want to throw herself into bed with her boss right now. But I just can't be a good husband and father - or just enjoy things - when this is hanging over my head. I think about all the other couples I know - I don't know many Ws that have guys as best friends, or share as much with their bosses. I don't think they would accept the way her boss acts and that he lavishes gifts and praise the way he does. But short of demanding that my W leave her position - which I won't do - there is nothing I can do about it. I would really like it if my W would stand up for our M, cut the flirting, and set some clear limits with her boss. She won't do this because it would alienate her coworkers and turn her job into, well, an actual regular job.
There's just such a gap between the amount of energy she puts into "us" vs. what she puts into her work and coworkers.
I don't know what's happened in the past except that her office has spent a lot of time together doing fun things I wish we could do and traveling, and growing closer as a result. I sometimes wish we weren't married and I worked in their office - then I'd get to do fun things with her and make her smile and laugh and she could go home and argue about the kids with someone else.
(To answer your question: we relocated her for me to take a 6 month position; however, it is a position technically in her office and she is continuing to work remotely and I need to check in with her office (her) on my progress. When we return, everything goes back to normal - and we work across the street from one another. I know, complicated.)
I had the same problem w/ my H in terms of workplace frienship. Sad because of course they love you there! You present all of the fun stuff without all the dreary details such as.. Discipling kids etc. I also didn't like the fact that all his "friends" were single women. Nice huh? And they don't see that it's so easy to slip into an EA without even realizing. My H actually ended up having a PA with a woman at his last job. Looking back I think.. Nice. You put your best foot forward for the people you work with and have nothing for your family when you get home.. What do you expect to get back in return?
Ack! Sorry for the rant! I really feel your frustration!
How old are your kids?
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
today her boss sent around a valentines email to the office - a list of best places to kiss and an invitation for V-day haters to meet in his conference room to compete for sadest romantic story.
Does this place have a sexual harassment policy? Geesh.
Do you think your wife truly enjoys what goes on at work, or is she more or less putting on a show to be "accepted"? Are all her coworkers single? Boss single too? As nice as it may seem to be noticed and appreciated by coworkers/boss, it still doesn't sound right. The whole dynamic at her work doesn't sound right. But if it's as "nice" as it sounds, I can see that she doesn't want to give that up. Has she always been acting like that, or is this recent? At some point she'll need to "grow up" and put her family first. I just hope that it won't be too late for you.
Sorry if I don't sound too encouraging. I just don't agree with your W putting work first. It sounds like you've been doing a great job taking care of the kids and the household..holding down the fort, but it must be taking quite a toll on you.
In some ways W puts quite a bit of effort into the family - she is a pretty good mom. But in the triangle of kids-work-husband, she just thinks that I should suck in up and get over it. Her W is fun and provides her with whatever it is she needs. So she ends up feeling that I am "needy" and try to ruin her fun. We had a talk recently where she said said that I am 75% of the problem and that she wishes I was happy and fun again, and that "all this" doesn't make me very attractive. I pointed out that we don't know anyone else who manages as much as we do - and I'm exhausted. We don;t know any husband that would like what goes on a her office. Or any W that would do these things. That didn't register with her at all. At all. She said she would leave her job if it couldn't get over it - but in truth she wouldn't.....or would blame me forever.
I'm back to sucking it up and trying to be strong and attractive, which is fine. But in the end there's no competing with her work. She was recently given a new project, with a raise and added responsbilities, which she accepted without any discussion, though it means I need to cancel a work trip to stay home with the kids.
I made an appointment to see if I can get back on the low-dose ADs here, though we have no insurance for that. I told my W I would take care of my part of the situation, whatever that was. I suppose they will help if they help me to be or seem stronger and detached. I don't know.
