Ok, I don't know what to do. Divorced since Sept 2011, not what I wanted. Read Divorce Remedy, and implemented many changes. I am an emotional mess, and have been since Sept. Been to two counselors by myself, she wouldn't go. I helped her find a new place and helped her move her stuff. Looking back, not the best idea. Now, she has been notified that she is deploying and she has decided to give up her rental. I had already agreed to let her stay at my house between the end of her contract and departure for deployment, and to store her stuff at my house. I still have some hope that we can work on our relationship, but she has no intention of that. She had invited me to dinner a few times, and I went, but always felt horrible after leaving. We went Christmas shopping with for the kids together; she held my hand that day. I stayed at her house, on the couch, Christmas night. I took the kids home that night. I asked her a few days later what we were doing, and she said, “trying to be friends.” I don’t know where to go from here, or what to do. Just looking for any advice. Thank you.
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
I am so sorry that you are still feeling so much pain. Are you able to talk to a DB coach? Chuck is available this evening, and there is a $30 discount today. You need a plan on how to go forward and how to interact with her when you have contact. Your children need you, so please take good care of yourself first.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
She's deploying means she's leaving for a while, doesn't it? If it does, her being gone blocks you from building a relationship with her and with others, if you chose to.
As long as you have clearly stated recently that you want a relationship, not a just a friendship, then she knows what to do if she does as well.
Holding hands isn't friendship, though. If she want's the milk, she's got to buy the cow (aka you).
Just a thought...if you felt horrible, sounds like you aren't done dealing with the affair and divorce. Maybe get a cousellor while she's gone.
OTMT, thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate it. I am not done dealing with the affair and the divorce, you are right. I am going to start talking to my counselor again, made an appt already. I am not interested in building a relationship with anyone else. Yes, she will be leaving for a while. We will be communicating while she is gone because of the children. I plan on only relaying news of the kids while she is gone. If she brings up anything else, I will reply to it, but I will not initiate any other topic but the kids. Thanks again.
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
OTMT, I'm sorry to hear that. I am trying to be friends for the kids' sake, but I can't right now. My hope is that we will be able to reconcile, and be a couple again, but if we can't I hope to be able to be friends. I believe that the best thing for the kids would for us to be together. The second best thing would be for us to be friends, I think. I don't really know, I am so confused. Part of me wonders what lesson that teaches the children. That it is okay to divorce as long as it is friendly? I don't want them to think that. This is so difficult for me...
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
What is the opposite of a friendly divorce? Despite the immense lies and attacks my wife has done to get the court's sympathy and ultimately custody, my kids just want us both to be friends. They know she hurt me, they know she lies. But those kids are 1/2 her. They will always have some degree of attachment.
Imagine yourselves enemies/cold and distant. What does that tell your kids about friendships and love? Putting them first is very hard. Many times I've wanted to show them her affidavits, like the one where she suggested that I was touching my own daughters! They would turn against her so much, so fast. But, what would that do to their ability to trust? To love? Would they possibly hate me for hurting them, even if it was because of her?
It is hard to take the high road. I didn't want to be divorced, and it sounds like you didn't either. My wife has made it impossible for me to trust her. Your wife wants to protect the love and the man she had, even if she doesn't want to be with you. That shows a lot of good character in her. Can you show the character to accept that knowing she doesn't want to hold you as she used to? Can you do that for your three kids?
Time. Doesn't erase wounds, but allows us to be grateful for what we had and mostly what we have.
She's deploying means she's leaving for a while, doesn't it? If it does, her being gone blocks you from building a relationship with her and with others, if you chose to.
As long as you have clearly stated recently that you want a relationship, not a just a friendship, then she knows what to do if she does as well. Holding hands isn't friendship, though. If she want's the milk, she's got to buy the cow (aka you).
sorry I don't agree with this^^^ b/c it's a bonding thing. She didn't use you for sex; she showed affection. Maybe she was probing for an old spark or maybe she was trying to be friends. Don't punish her with distance or coldness,
to confirm to her - there's no reason to even try and rebuild.
Just a thought...if you felt horrible, sounds like you aren't done dealing with the affair and divorce. Maybe get a cousellor while she's gone.
Good luck in whatever you try, Wedge.
What did she SAY were the reasons for her wanting out? We're in the dark about what to advise
without a lot more info.
Can you fill us in on that AND on what, if anything, she said that you agreed you need to work on.
You said you read the Div Remedy book? Okay so what are your 180s and what are you doing to GAL and
be less predicatable to her? it's important you show her some new behaviors. She has to believe marriage to you could be better/ different.
Or she won't return.
What are you DOING -not "saying or promising to do later," but DOING NOW, to demonstrate that you can change?
You are the only one posting her so we can only work on you and
YOU are the ONLY person here that you control. Take back your power and become a man only a fool would leave.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
OTMT, I'm sorry to hear that. I am trying to be friends for the kids' sake, but I can't right now. My hope is that we will be able to reconcile, and be a couple again, but if we can't I hope to be able to be friends. I believe that the best thing for the kids would for us to be together. The second best thing would be for us to be friends, I think. this is TRUE^^^ but does not mean you lie or cover up all your pain. Your kids are watching you and you will model for them how to behave when THEY face a setback or betrayal in life, which they will.
Show them that pain can be bad but not fatal and it will pass for it's not eternal.
I don't really know, I am so confused. Part of me wonders what lesson that teaches the children. That it is okay to divorce as long as it is friendly?
The fact is, your alternatives are worse...
so teach them that their happiness is more important than your pain
or anger or sense of outrage, and that is valuable. Do your best to put them first.
I don't want them to think that. This is so difficult for me...
I get that.
Sorry to hear that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
but you are in the best place (for the worst reason) so keep posting.
You will find support and guidance and strength on this site.
Be kind to yourself.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
