Separated but maintaining hope

[Elmo]

OK, tell me if I'm dreaming here, but I think I'm making some headway.

My wife called me Friday afternoon to tell me that she could possibly be stranded overnight while she was on travel. She sounded really good, upbeat and optimistic. At that point, my voice was still a little raspy because of my cold. She said, "Ohh you still have your cold?"

"Yeah," I said, "It's getting better though, I'm still a little scratchy."

She then went on to explain the situation and was really sorry that she might not be able to make it back Friday night, because she knew I had plans on Saturday.

I'm not delusional here, that's a solid sign that she showed concern for my health, right?

Anyway, It didn't really register with me until after the conversation ended anyway (you know, guys are a little slow on the verbal communication spectrum...at least this one is anyway), so I kept a level head by proxy.

I went on to say that it was fine, not to worry about it, and that it wasn't her fault after all. It was a short sweet conversation, I could feel an energy in her voice, a palpable love signal almost. I think she's really grateful that I was there to look after our d? Of course, what else would I do--but perhaps I rang up big points by being sick, and doing daddy-daycare for three days straight.

She said they (I was tempted to ask who was traveling with her on that one, but held my tongue--OM from the EA may have been traveling with her)were going to try to make it back by switching flights, and running to the next plane between connections. She sent me text messages throughout the return trip, finally letting me know when she made it to our home airport, which was around 11:20PM.

I had had a rough week at the office, and didn't fall asleep until around 12:30, with thoughts ruminating in my head. Then my d woke up at 1:30 crying about how uncomfortable her jammies were, so after helping her do a wardrobe change, and put her back to bed, I tried in earnest to go back to sleep but couldn't do it. I don't like to take drugs, but at 4:30 am I resorted to taking half a CVS brand benadryl...those things will put me out. I managed to sleep another 2 hours and my daughter was back up at 7.

I drove her over to w's place around 830. My w was already standing in the storm door when my d and I got out of the car. She smiled at me. I noticed her toe-nails were a new color, I hadn't seen before. But I didn't think to compliment her on them, until I was back in the car. Ohh well, there's always next time...It was still a positive interaction, which is most important.

I asked her how her flights were. She said they were very bumpy, but they were OK. I gave her a short report about my d, and gave my d a big hug and then left. I was there for maybe 5 minutes and only stood in the mudroom not taking off my boots.

I keep wanting her to say more, to do more--but I keep reminding myself to be patient, and more importantly, I have to be strong and work on myself, in case she's really all done with me.

But I have to say, I really have a positive feeling about how things are going. We're a long way from getting back to good, but I really feel like her heart is open again. I hope I'm not just being a fool--but I'm pretty sure I know my wife well enough to know that she's not involved with the OM anymore--that involvement was just a reaction to my actions when I wasn't db'ing at all and being a lunatic. (if interested, see my earlier posts.)

I guess this is sort of like when you first learn to drive a car--the first six months, you're super careful. But after that you feel more confident, and you want to go and do donuts in somebody's front yard. Well maybe not donuts, but you feel like driving a little faster, etc. etc. I'm saying I feel like being more bold, but I know I need to just be patient, wait and watch.

I know at this point, this is a wall of text--but I have to get it all out. Getting a life isn't as gung-ho as it used to be. Today I did a little work on the house (want to get it ready to sell, regardless what happens in our marriage.), and I stopped by work for about an hour and took care of some odds and ends.

I have such a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde approach to my job. One day I totally hate it, and the next it's OK. Part of me says, If I worked harder, and smarter I'd do better and make more money. But then part of me says, who cares...there's nothing rewarding in what I do. Even if I made 300k a year, it would still not be what I want. But, at least I have a job. You ever notice how we name work after probably the most unlucky character in the Bible? Just thought I'd point that out. Have a good weekend.

[nhmom]

Sounds like you're doing well interacting with your W!

Good for you for managing to watch your D while being sick! That's not an easy task!

[Elmo]

Thanks NH. Yes, luckily I don't get sick that often, and this one wasn't too bad.

More Journalling-

It dawned on me too that perhaps some of the softening I've seen lately in her demeanor is the realization that if we do divorce, she will only be able to see our d half the time.

Now, I honestly feel that I would live with my wife forever, for my daughter's sake. Even if my wife said she never wanted to have sex with me again, and yes, she's basically said that. I would live under the same roof, and be roommates with her, and co-parent our d.

I know it sounds like a death sentence--a marriage with no physical love. But through this experience, I realize that to a large degree, the way I "make love" to my wife wasn't right. Too many times, for her it was just walking the dog. It was a way for me to get my rocks off and she was left with nothing. I think she coined the term "mercy sex"; but knowing what I know now, I can say that I will not approach sex that way in the future (with my wife, or with some other woman.). That type of sex was unsustainable. Sex has to be a win, win.

We used to have a really good sex life. But after our daughter was born (my wife had a c-section, which put her on the dl for about a year), both the quantity and quality went down. And I'm somewhat ashamed to say last year, I had a little difficulty in staying power. Partly, because it seemed like my w didn't want to really be participating.

So in the future, I will focus on romance, and let love come as a natural bi-product. And when sex does happen, everybody will get there's.

[2chiquitos]

I think your doing really well! I read the part where u didn't want to ask if she was traveling w OM. When H went on a trip before Xmas I grilled him to find out if he was traveling w OW. I should've never done that!! I made the biggest mistake by asking and ended up having to leave town for a couple weeks because I felt as though it was discovery day all over again! 2nd worst Xmas of my life!

[hopingandpraying]

Elmo,

I have read most of your posts and I am also recently separated (1 week) and it has been the worst week of my life!!! I have not contacted him...only will email when he emails me. It feels like forever since I last saw him. He works nights, so even when we were together the week before he left, I did not spend the night in the same bedroom!!!

I did make some initial posts http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...321#Post2224321 about our current situation. Like you stated in one of your posts, you don't really understand what happened. I don't either. My husband recently wrote a letter (that he gave to his doctor about his feelings) and he said he has a great wife and that he just has no feelings left for me. I was devastated but I believe that you must work hard for a marriage to withstand all obstacles.

Thank you for sharing your story and your strength. Please keep us posted and I wish that you and your wife reunite soon!

[Elmo]

That's right Vero. It's true that ignorance is bliss. If we find out things via spying, we are sort of playing god. That omniscience can be a big weight on our shoulders if we find out about our spouses and op. It's best to stay graceful and work on yourself...but sometimes it's so tempting go pick up their phone when they're not watching and search for text from om, or ow.

Best advice, and of course I don't always practice it myself--focus on yourself and don't spy or pry or cling or beg or threaten or try to reason...just be patient and wait and watch.

I was driving home today and saw some guy walking up the street. This was the second time I've seen him, and all I can do is call him the hip-hop walker. That's basically what he was doing, listening to what had to be hip-hop or rap, and was basically dancing as he walked. It was the funniest thing I saw all day.

I saw him close to my wife's office so I sent her a text and asked her if she saw the hip-hop walker. She hasn't responded back yet.

[Elmo]

Thanks Stephanie. I'm sorry you're going through this too. I'm very happy to have this group of people to talk with online. All of you make it easier, so God bless you, and thanks for the kind words, and encouragement.

Yesterday afternoon, I was not far from my w's new place, and I called her just to see what was going on. I was in a good mood, and thought I might swing by and drop off some food or something. I thought I might just swing by and see my d as well.

She didn't answer the phone--about an hour later I sent her a text asking if she'd seen the hip-hop walker, she never responded. So later in the evening I tried calling her again at about 9:30--and again the phone kept ringing. So I got in my car and drove by her house...just to make sure that they were ok. It was a waste of time and gas--when I drove by the house I could tell from the lights hitting the shades that the T.V. was on--I didn't realize the oscars were on--but I'm sure that's what she was watching.

I shouldn't have called, or texted. I guess I felt a little more confident because it seemed I was making some positive gains--and she usually answers her phone when I call. But who knows--she could have had the ringer turned off on her phone, who knows? Perhaps she was afraid that she was making it seem like she was coming back to me.

I'll admit I'm a little disappointed, but it's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

I just need to refocus--work on getting a life again and not call her text her or anything else.

[Elmo]

Journalling-

When I got home last night there was a message for my w from her dentist's office stating she had an appointment on Wednesday--so I felt I should call her to let her know. I did, and she picked up the phone. Again, she sounded good--her energy sounded more open.

She said she knew of the appointment already, and thanked me anyway. I asked her how she was doing and how her day was, and she said she was good, but said her day at work was just OK.--she didn't really expound on much...but again I had the feeling that she was more open and less defensive then in the beginning of January. So although I can't physically measure it with an instrument, I feel I've successfully defused a great bit of the momentum taking us down the divorce-path.

My d3 wanted to talk to me--she gave me a short report on how she was doing, telling me a cheese stick at snack had given her a "stomach ache". I was surprised that she had mastered the word stomach already, but told her I was sorry about her tummy ache.

My wife got back on and I wrapped up the call. Again another short and sweet conversation--but earlier in the day I thought she was trying to avoid me--no one said this wasn't going to be a roller coaster ride.

I think I did fine on that one--I don't think I was chasing, or over-calling. I'm going to try to go the rest of the week without calling her and see if maybe she will call me.

One thing that I'm not sure DB addresses, is that it's easy to sort of use specific Items as fronts for making contact. The WAS gets a piece of mail at the house, or there's something going on with the kids--there are so many things that can be used as a the primary reason for contact.

[Elmo]

Question:

Planning ahead--

My w's lease comes up the first of June, or sometime in June for sure. If this positive momentum continues, would It be OK to ask her to move back in at the beginnin of May? Meaning, I would ask her in May to move back in when her lease is up in June.

Of course, I'm not expecting her to come back and start sleeping with me again, etc. etc.--we could go back to roommate mode--Perhaps it's too soon. I don't know.

Is there even a way to ask that question and make it seem that I'm not going to be devastated (which I won't) if she says no?

Any and all responses would be appreciated

[Elmo]

I have a heavy heart tonight. Things just seem sort of bleak. I called w on Tuesday night, and she didn't answer. I knew it was aft my d went to sleep. I probably shouldn't have called, but wanted to talk about our d. I went to bed and lay there feeling sorry for myself because I was assuming she wasn't taking my call.

I have a tendency to use my jump to conclusions mat, and sometimes spin negative thoughts. She texted me about 2 hours later saying she missed my call and asked me what was up. I felt better after that--but I guess I need to be doing a better job of getting a life.

I haven't been doing that great lately at my sales job and got moved onto a different sales team from the one I had been on for a while. I think it will be a good transition in the long-run, but the transition can be a little difficult.

Wife let me come by her rental last night and see our d, and talked with her a little bit. She opened up a little about work. She was putting some stuff together for a project she was working on, and she was able to let our d assist with it.

I asked her what was going on with that project, and she explained it to me. I still feel that she's more open, but I still need to take things slowly. Despite the progress, she still is guarded. She did smile and make some eye contact with me--and of course the antics with me and my d made her smile as well.

I keep remininding myself that thoughts are things, and I try to parry each negative thought with a positive one. When I think about the difficulties of trying to find another mate--I just visualize my wife moving back in, or saying she still loves me, or coming up and hugging me. I'm not saying I get it right all the time, but I'm getting better.

I think I need to call my coach, but might wait--I don't want to cash in my last two sessions just yet.

I'm still wondering if I should ask her in May--a month before her lease is up, if she'd like to move back to the house. Is that a bad Idea?