Grmpy - yes, today is just another day and I can't tell you how refreshing that is This DB stuff is tricky. Just when I think I might finally have myself under control, something happens to remind me that every day is a new struggle.
Labug - I'm still not entirely sure myself... Let me try and piece it out for you...
In August, my H decided he didn't think he could "do this anymore" and we went to a MC which proved to be more of a hindrance than a help. During the two weeks leading up to Labor Day, he pulled the not coming home on time (or anywhere close to a reasonable time - the worst being the Sat before Labor Day when he just flat out didn't come home until that Sun evening - his best friend in tow since he needed moral support to talk to me apparently) thing 3 times. I was so tired of worrying and being upset that I told him that if he didn't want to live there with me, I didn't want him there... get his stuff and get out. Well, four weeks later, he sprung his "good news" to me in a Dear John letter saying he was planning to proceed with a D. The day after I got the letter, I met with him and we had one of the worst conversations ever (second only to that first bombshell). He assured me that there was no one else he had just "fallen out of love" with me and couldn't find it again. (I realize now, that my clinging and continual need to "talk" during that time has more than likely driven him away further than he was) and that we "needed a D". During one of my finer moments of that conversation, I corrected him and said it wasn't a need, it was a want; his. About a month and half later, there was still nothing. We met again to discuss what was going on. During that conversation, he assured me he hadn't changed his mind and that the lawyer he was working with had drawn up a proposed settlement for me to review. Over the next 3 weeks, we exchanged some emails, with the last one being that he was going to file if I didn't send him my revisions. I told him I was planning to go over the revisions with a lawyer and if he couldn't wait for that, then go ahead and file.
About a week and a half before Christmas, I finally met with a lawyer to discuss the settlement and the changes I wanted to propose. I made it very clear that I didn't want to file. I was planning to make my H do this. My reasons were: 1) I didn't want this in any way 2) if he wants a D, he can pay for it 3) if he wants the D, he can file. My lawyer listened to me and pointed out that at this point, I had had no control over the situation for the past 5 months of my life and I was letting it take control of me. In MI, it's $150 to file in the county I was living in, so that dispelled my issue with the cost of filing. As for not wanting it, he pointed out that if this is what H wants, I can't do anything about it.
I honestly think that at that point, I was so lost in the whole thing that any thought of a little bit of control over what was happening to me made it easy to make my mind up. In fact, at the time, it really felt like the right move. So, I signed the papers to begin the process. I think in my heart I was hoping for H to be so stunned that he would confront me about it (and possibly tell me it's not what he wanted?) but he didn't. Instead, things went along as usual and then the second week of January, I found out that his lawyer filed a counter-claim on his behalf. I'm not sure this was necessary since the papers were standard (MI is a no-fault divorce state).
It still feels like, at the time, it was the right thing to do. I just don't think that now, it is. I would love to call my lawyer and ask him to dismiss my claim, but I'm not sure it would do any good.
I'm pretty sure that's how I ended up filing while not wanting to D.
To clarify, I'm not placing the blame for that on anyone, but myself, however, like I've read countless times... D lawyers are not in the business of helping couples R. Also, my lawyer is a friend of the family (as well as being a well known and respected lawyer around here) and I feel now as if maybe he was advising me to do what he thought would be best for me at that time, not what would be best for my M. My mistake is that I was still feeling very shaken and shattered at the time and I made a huge decision while going through that roller-coaster. It had just seemed to me that I had tried EVERYTHING I could to get H to listen to me and consider trying to work on our M instead of walking away from it. In reality, I had probably done nothing more than convince him that he was right in his thinking. Shortly after the new year, I came across DB and DR on Amazon and I ordered them the same day. I am now regretting that I listened to "well-meaning" people in my life who told me that I needed to just file, D, and move on. I know that unless I give this my all, I won't ever feel as if I really tried everything. After reading DB and DR, I really feel as if we might have a chance still and it's hard to explain that to those same well meaning people.
So today, I went into my office at work and I had a dozen pink roses waiting on my desk. All the card said was "Happy Valentine's Day". I was floored. The first thing I did was call my dad to see if they were from him (and/or my mom). When he told me they weren't, I was trying to figure out who they were from. As much as I tried not to go there, I kept thinking maybe they were from H. It was the same company he used to use to send me flowers at work. A bit later in the day, one of my male friends at work texted me. He asked if the flowers made me smile. I said they did, but I would have liked to know who to thank and what an awesome friend I had to do that for me. He said that while he knew I would prefer they be from H, he didn't see that happening and he figured I deserved a reason to smile like anyone else. It was so sweet, but so difficult at the same time. On the way home, I was telling a girlfriend about it and I realized that maybe I'm not nearly as detached as I should be. I explained that the hard part for me was that while I really appreciated the gesture from my other friend, I went all day yesterday not expecting anything from H. Then I got to work and saw them and there was no indication of who they were from. And, unfortunately, my mind went completely in the direction of H. So, to find out who they were from was a pretty big let down. The funny part is that I had a brief thought (no action with it though, for which I'm proud) that even after finding out who they were from, I could still send H a text and be like "thanks for the roses, I absolutely LOVE them" and let him flounder with that thought for a while. The rational part of me kicked in though and I realize that by doing that I would probably undo the positive memory of the last conversation we had and then have to work that much harder the next time. So, here I sit... with a dozen beautiful pink roses and I think I'm just going to try and enjoy them for the beautiful flowers they are and nothing more.
LB - the difficult part is he keeps insisting that there is "nothing wrong" with me, that I'm a great person and that "I would change nothing about the past ten years, except how it's ending" and "it's me with the problems, not you". So, I'm on my own with finding things that need changing. However, that's not to say that I didn't find plenty within myself that I could and have been actively working to change. I realize I had become codependent on him and that I had essentially stopped living my life for me. I began taking steps to GAL on my own before DR and since reading (and rereading) it have continued to do so. I live my life for me daily now (with the occasional backslide) and am much more satisfied doing so. I also realize that I have a very dominating personality and tend to push people without meaning to. I have been really making that one of my 180's - to not be pushy... I'm still working on me daily and finding little things about myself that I can change and improve.
"I live my life for me daily now (with the occasional backslide) and am much more satisfied doing so. I also realize that I have a very dominating personality and tend to push people without meaning to. I have been really making that one of my 180's - to not be pushy... I'm still working on me daily and finding little things about myself that I can change and improve."
I like this kd. You are doing swell. Keep it up, even though this is sooo hard.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Labug- I haven't read it yet, but thanks to the power of my Kindle App, I will be reading it shortly! Thanks for the recommendation!
Grmpy - I am finding pieces of my story among others here and it makes it a bit easier to see what this journey may entail. It's also a great source of comfort to meet and read about people with stories similar to mine.
Thanks to all for the encouragement and helpful tips. I realize that this is difficult for all of us on here, so having a support network of people who understand where I'm coming from and don't try to discourage me means a lot.
This DB stuff is tricky. Just when I think I might finally have myself under control, something happens to remind me that every day is a new struggle. 