Hi guys, I'm new to this BB. I wanted to share my story though and tell you how I came to find DB and DR. In August, my husband of almost 3 years (together almost 10 years total) experienced what I'm now convinced is an anytime MLC. We ran the gamut of clichéd sayings from "I just can't do this anymore" to the dreaded "I love you; I'm just not in love with you." And after 2 and a half strained weeks of working with a marriage counselor, things were worse than they'd started. After asking him to leave for a few days, he decided he couldn't come back. He then proceeded to tell me at the end of September that a divorce was the only way for him.
I was devastated and felt my world had been torn to shreds. I did all the wrong things and I’m sure I made things worse. He actually avoids talking with me whenever possible. I was mean, I was hurt, and I was in denial. I began reading everything I could about divorce and trying to avoid it. I had yet to find these two books though. For two months, I sat there, waiting for him to change his mind. After two months, we met again and he informed me that he hadn’t changed his mind and handed me a proposed settlement for our divorce, yet he still hadn’t filed. The week before Christmas, I met with a lawyer to discuss my options and for legal advice regarding the settlement. In short, he convinced me that filing for divorce will give me some control over the situation. The following week; I sent my husband a message telling him I had filed. After the New Year, I too moved out of the house (because I could NOT stand to be there alone) and into my own apartment. In the week following, I discovered that his lawyer filed a counter-claim on his behalf. I’m not sure if this is a lawyer thing or what, but I find it hard to believe that the man who couldn’t bring himself to file in the 2 months leading up to Christmas would feel the need to counter-file. After finally recognizing that I have never wanted this divorce, I began searching for divorce remedy materials in earnest. I found DB and DR and couldn’t put them down. I’m eager for a chance to do a 180 when I see him and NOT talk of reconciliation (for the first time) and to act as-if I feel that our conversation will go well.
I welcome your encouragement and suggestions. I’m still only a week and a half into DB and DR but I honestly feel as if we could come back stronger than ever from this. I know I can’t change him; that I have to focus on myself. However, I do need to talk to him about some practical matters – such as taxes – so I feel I’ll have a chance to put some of the DR techniques into action.
I also feel that the need to express that were H to say he's willing to work on our M, I would drop my divorce suit in a heartbeat. I feel that at the time (after months of sitting and waiting for him to decide to follow thru with his threats and file for D) that my filing was right for me. However, I do not in any way, shape, or form "want" this to end in D. Also, since we are in the fun "Discovery" stage of the D proceedings, we've both received these horrendous packets of questions to fill out. As one of my 180s, I'm planning to "stop fighting the D" with him and instead going to suggest that we try working on the packets of paper together. Considering how opposed to any part of D I have been, I do feel that maybe not openly opposing it when I talk with him will have more of a positive impact on myself and on him.
Ok, so today was the first time I talked to H since November. I had sent him a text letting him know I needed to talk to him about our tax stuff (still getting that mess of things together) and had asked him to give me a call. Of course he didn't call. That would be way to easy... but he sent me an email last night to my work account telling me that if I emailed him my questions he'd get back to me sometime today. However, I wasn't able to email him during the day since I was busy at work. I called him while I was on my way home. I felt confident that I could "Act As-If" and keep the conversation positive and upbeat. I did. I also did a 180 and didn't talk of reconciliation or specifics of the D. I chose to focus on my tax questions and just keeping with the topic at hand. At the end of the conversation, I simply said "well, I know you're busy, so I won't keep you any longer. I'll talk with you soon." and he said "oh, ok" and then I said bye and hung up. IMO it went fairly well. The conversation was much less strained than it had been in the past. As an added bonus, our conversation (which up to this point had usually only lasted about 30 seconds) was a whopping 5 min. I felt good about it when I hung up. I'm trying to focus on the small victories and not overthink it or read too much into it at the same time. I get the feeling, though, that H isn't as eager to go through with this D as he'd like me to believe. I feel like if he was, we'd be progressing through this much more quickly. Some days are good and some are more difficult. Today was a combination of the two... Good in ways, difficult in others...
I am sorry you find yourself here. My H walked out on me and wanted a divorce. I did the same thing you did. I talked to a lawyer and started the process. But after I left the lawyers office, I said to myself, I do not want a divorce and this is what he wants me to do. He wanted me to file because he did not have the balls to do it himself.
I gave him his space and only talked to him if it was concerning our D.
7 months later, we are working on reconciling our marriage. So far, so good.
I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who filed when I really didn't want to. I've given consideration to dismissing my claim, but with his counter-claim out there, it won't stop this process. The only way to stop the process is to have us both agree to dismiss our claims. I would like to think that unless it was concerning practical matters, I have given him nothing but space since November. I'm praying at this point that he is starting to be able to remember the good times we had, not just the struggle and tension we had prior to S. We don't have children, so as I saw in a couple of other posts, I try to find ways (only every few months) where we have to have contact. Prior to my phone call yesterday, I had only seen him when I dropped off the house keys to him and let him know I moved out with the dogs. I have read DR twice all the way through and plan to start again. Next to my Bible, it's becoming the one book that ends up next to me on the bed at night. I have to say, of all the people I've lost in my life and even my parent's divorce... this is by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through.
Hearing your story gives me a new sense of hope. Thanks for that!
Unfortunately, I did receive notice from my lawyer yesterday of a "Settlement Conference" that has been scheduled for us by the court. And since that wasn't enough, the date it is scheduled for is the day before my birthday. Yay Me. I'm just going to continue to pray that maybe we won't need to make it to that stage (all the while preparing to go there anyway... such a fine line)
It sounds like you did a great job containing yourself over the telephone. Bravo! Perhaps, it may be a good idea to leave the memory of that positive convo interaction in his mind, and implement your divorce-busting techniques. As "calling" once he offered to handle the matter via email, is not unlike pursuing. Correct me if I'm wrong, 180's might be useful in some situations like this. I'm a newby too - but have done my reading and reseach. Really wanted to see you get some feedback asap. Good luck. Yas
Married 27 Years Together 32 Years 4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08 Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012
Welcome to the best place to be...for the worst situation. Read, re-read, memorize, tattoo or what ever else you need to do to live these following rules.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
(these are credited to Sandi2- a success story. You can use the search box to find her original threads, as well as the great advice she gives to all of us on these boards)
Keep posting, here and on other's threads... You'll never know what you may come across that helps you!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Ok, so I am still trying to figure out our tax documents and these stupid required papers for the "discovery" stage of the D. I honestly need H help with this stuff. I sent him a message asking him to call me some time before Saturday since I need to have everything post-marked by Saturday. I explained in the message that I don't believe this stuff can be worked out by email. I plan to make sure IF he does call me that I maintain my upbeat, pleasant, happy sounding self. I plan to stay on task and not discuss the M or possibilities of R. However, I guess at this point, if he DOESN'T call me, then I will figure it out to the best of my abilities and sign it and send it as is. In the meantime, I'm still taking the conversation last Friday as a good "baby-step". I still feel (wrong or right though it may be) that if he truly wanted this to end in D, that we wouldn't have had to get assigned a "Settlement Conference" by the courts. We would have gotten through this much quicker on our own (and possibly more hostile too)...
Today [censored]. It was yet again one of those days where it was a good day and a difficult day, all in one. When H and I were together, we really never celebrated this day...maybe exchanged cards and I might get flowers... but nothing big. For some reason though, not being with H or even talking with H today has made seeing and hearing about all the Valentine's hoopla that much worse. It's frustrating to me. I've come SO far since that awful night in August. GAL? Well, I got a life (and I love it too!)...Codependency? No more. Tears about all of this and the poor me's? They're at an all time minimum. Yet, days like today, I'm at a loss. I just don't know how to work through them yet. I know that I'm in the process of D. Realistically, I am ALWAYS aware of that. However, I also know that I honestly have NOTHING to lose by trying DB. We didn't come into our problems in a day, so there's no reason to think we'll overcome them in a day. It's just the in between times that make it really hard. Guess it's a glass of red wine, a bubble bath and some Bible (and DR) time for me tonight. Tomorrow's a new day. For all of us on this BB, I just want to say Happy Valentine's Day (that way, you can say someone sent those happy tidings your way too )
Ok, the bubble bath was a definite good idea. I feel better overall. I had my cry a bit earlier on, but as of a few hours ago, I'm back to being ok. I can say, though, that I am ready for tonight and today to be over. Tomorrow is just simply February 15th and as far as I know, nothing significant on that day! Time for some reading (starting DB again), prayers, and bed Good night all.
I'm just going to continue to pray that maybe we won't need to make it to that stage (all the while preparing to go there anyway... such a fine line)
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