I'm dealing with a WAW sitch in which we were actually months away from getting married when my fiancee left me. I had been waffling myself, and she pulled the trigger on moving out. That was 9 months ago. She swung almost immediately into a relationship with a very nice, but painfully boring fellow.
After two months of no contact, she called me out of the blue a month ago saying that she was in pain, that she missed me and wanted to see me. She said she didn't want to "settle for the first nice guy that came along, even though I don't feel any passion or excitement for him." True to form, she canceled 10 minutes later and we still haven't seen each other.
UPDATE: We spoke on the phone last Friday during which she said that she admits she feels no passion for the OM, but that she "loves" him. We talked about how much we each have changed (she does Yoga now, and I have a daily meditation practice as part of my step work in Al-Anon).
It seems to me that she loves the comfort, she loves that he is totally committed, and dotes on her, but she also said that they had next to nothing in common. They aren't best friends and playmates like she and I were: We used to go hiking and skiing and camping and running and biking, etc, etc. We were amazing. THEY seem totally boring by comparison, but she's convinced herself that she needs boring to feel safe and at peace.
I got some good advice from a few folks on this site, but I wanted to put it back out there now that I have this new info about her admitting there's no passion. What can I do at this point? Go back to "Going Dark?" Continue with my GAL plan? Or can I do SOMEthing to shake her out of this "I don't feel passion, but I love him" coma she's in?
Thanks, DBing in SF
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
Passion can be volatile and for that reason it can be scary. It's laced with emotions and we can get hugely hurt. So yes, it seems very reasonable that your xGF will settle for boring in order to feel emotionally safe.
The only way to answer your questions is, what is she DOING? Do you think she is moving towards you, or do you believe she is just re-affirming with you that she is happy where she is at?
If she won't move, there's nothing you can do.
But... you COULD try to encourage her. But... would YOU feel safe doing so? Do you really believe you are in a state of mind and have the support mechanisms to not repeat the last encounter?
You don't need to go dark if you feel you are detached enough to stay off the roller coaster. Yes, keep GALing, regardless. DO NOT shake her... that can cause head and neck injuries...
Go for coffee with her. Stay away from R talks. If she initiates R talks, just listen, validate, and then change the subject if you feel she is done. If she pushes, just say you have a lot to think about and are uncomfortable with anything more than friendship right now... 'cause that's TRUE... right? You want to be her friend and see if she really is "changed" and someone that you might get into a deeper R with...
And go from there. Be a safe place... a safe person... for her AND for yourself.
To be totally honest, I want her back -- plain and simple. I try to date other women, but there's no spark at all. I just don't have it in me to be with anyone else.
This is her email to me from a month ago:
"I am hurting a bit. Our relationship is playing over in my head a lot lately. I miss you and I miss all that was good about us, and yet I cannot let go of the hurt, the doubt, all the questions and what ifs. I came out strong. I was able to walk away from a very unhealthy relationship (we both agree) and I still wonder where that strength came from. I am grateful for it and now know I can harness it when I need it next, but now that I am at a safe distance is when I can ask myself questions safely and come undone a bit.
I was so madly in love with you. That is what I remember the most. And it breaks my heart, is breaking my heart repeatedly lately. I wonder and doubt I'll fall in love again. I wonder and doubt I'll find someone to go trail running with on beautiful mornings, to make love with so passionately, and who has the same passion for life, love and friends as I do. You were that person for me and then I can't help myself from the self-doubt and harshness that arises when I think of how wrong I was, how silly of me, how young and ignorant. And then I fear I'll just settle for the next nice guy, one that won't hurt me and with whom life will be easy, but for whom I'll feel no passion. And that is where I am. I needed to reach out and hear your voice."
And then I responded basically saying "Yep, I'm here and I miss you too." And she went totally cold again. She still tells me there's no passion, but she says she loves him. I'm convinced it's all a charade. She lies to herself and to other people about how she really feels. And it breaks my heart...again and again...
At this point she won't have coffee with me. She won't see me. I think she knows how strong the attraction is, and she's afraid of it. I'm not just saying that out of hubris -- we are extremely attracted to each other. If I could just see her, talk to her, this would all be over, but she won't even see me. She backs away as soon as we discuss it. She's SO AFRAID of being hurt again. I don't know how to make her feel safe.
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
ok, then go dark again. There's no way to know if she's really reaching out to you, or just needing to give you a dear john letter, over and over again.
Maybe it might help if you let her know that while you appreciate her letting you know her feelings, that by telling you it keeps bringing up the pain and you would rather she stop.
Put the offer that you are open to have coffee or do something as friends, but do not want to bring up the old R any more. (For you, that's a "right now" thing, anyhow.)
And then go dark. Otherwise you appear to keep touching the electric fence, hoping it won't zap you again.
This is really hard. We've had radio silence for about two weeks now and it is so hard knowing she's out there missing me, not satisfied in her new R, but that she's too afraid or proud to even see me or talk to me. I know she wants what we had -- the magic, the highs, the joy, the fun and laughter. But I know that more than that, she fears the lows - the fights, the tears, the apathy, the loneliness.
I haven't reached out again to see if she'll do coffee. I feel like I need to "run into her" somewhere or somehow. We go to the same ski resort in Tahoe, and we left or last conversation kinda like "see you on the slopes." Her new guy doesn't ski. HE doesn't do anything, frankly, which I think is part of the rub for her. He is a boring nothing, but he makes her feel loved and safe, which she values more than excitement right now.
Somehow I need to demonstrate that she can have both with me -- safety/security and fun/excitement. Why would she settle for less?
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
Dude I feel sorry for the poor dude she's with now. That guys is on the path to a sexless marriage. She's already admitting he doesn't excite her. That being said it sounds like she wants some care taking and reassurance from you. A little hard to show while away.
You seem to naturally be able to drop the rope, maybe all she wants is a few good tugs on it to make sure you are still there.
You are not M to her or have children with her. Consider yourself lucky and get as far away from her as you can. She will never be "satisfied" with the whatever man she has at the moment.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I miss you and I miss all that was good about us, and yet I cannot let go of the hurt, the doubt, all the questions and what ifs. I came out strong. I was able to walk away from a very unhealthy relationship (we both agree) and I still wonder where that strength came from. I am grateful for it and now know I can harness it when I need it next, but now that I am at a safe distance is when I can ask myself questions safely and come undone a bit.
Care to explain the unhealthy relationship and why she's at a safe distance?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
To be an attractive HUSBAND you need to balance both stability and excitement. It's a little hard.
It's a good lesson to learn. That being said, she does sound a tad bit flakey. I agree with Sandi.
I think the biggest loser here is OM. He has no idea what he is walking into. I wouldn't be surprised if we saw him here in a few years talking about how this girl cheated on him because she was not excited by him.
