I had read Divorce Busting quite a while ago, and am finally getting my way through the Divorce Remedy. Here are my goals. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Beat 'em up if necessary.
1. To end the conversations that lead to never understanding her feelings and my role in causing them, resulting in productive understanding conversations. We will be listening more closely to expressions of feelings and trying to understand actions or words that caused them. I will end or change the direction of conversations that appear to be headed in that direction by walking away, re-stating her points, asking more questions.
2. We will be discussing going to counseling together.
3. To be there for her how she needs me to be, whether supporting her ideas, or merely sympathizing with her frustrations. When she brings up her issues or ideas and asks me for help, input or advice, I will respond with that, if she does not ask I will sympathize with her issues and acknowledge her ideas.
Divorce Remedy is the better of the two books, IMHO.
I see I have posted to you a few times before and gave you lots of homework.
Did you finish reading all that? Did you have any questions?
Originally Posted By: stillhopin
On a side note, I realize this likely isn't DB'ing. But what are peoples thoughts about contacting the OM (or OW) and requesting, nicely of course, that they back off. Let them know there is a person, family they are messing with?
VERY BAD IDEA. Will more than likely backfire. Will be twisted around to be used against you. This stuff is counterintutive, do not use logic to try to figure out what to do. It will backfire.
DIVORCE = SPACE Are you giving her the space she is requesting? If not you will more than likely be divorced.
Thanks Cadet. I remember you did give me lots of homework. I should revisit that again. This roller coaster has my memory just as up and down. I'll look for questions.
Thanks for the feedback on contacting the OM. I new that was likely the answer.
Space? I think so, I sure am trying, even with sharing the house and the kid duties.
Here are my goals. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Beat 'em up if necessary.
1. To end the conversations that lead to never understanding her feelings and my role in causing them, resulting in productive understanding conversations. We will be listening more closely to expressions of feelings and trying to understand actions or words that caused them. I will end or change the direction of conversations that appear to be headed in that direction by walking away, re-stating her points, asking more questions.
2. We will be discussing going to counseling together.
3. To be there for her how she needs me to be, whether supporting her ideas, or merely sympathizing with her frustrations. When she brings up her issues or ideas and asks me for help, input or advice, I will respond with that, if she does not ask I will sympathize with her issues and acknowledge her ideas.
Any comments on my DR goals?
1) Is this helping to give SPACE? 2) Who's idea is this? Yours or hers? Same as above 3) I do not think that being there for her is going to help you to restore your marraige, it is more pursuit and counter productive to what you should be trying to do.
She is in another relationship right now. Is this correct? Do you think that Begging, Pleading Bargaining, pursuing her is going to end that other relationship? I can assure you that it will not.
I think you need to go back to a Beginners MIND and relearn what you need to do.
Finish reading the DR book, and go back and start on those resources.
1. Yes 2. Mine 3. This would be driven by her, when presenting ideas to me, which she is still doing, though quite a bit less. So this goal defines how I respond.
Agreed about the pursuing stuff. I am currently avoiding this as best I can, and think I'm being pretty successful.
I'm a bit confused by your comment on working on goals later on. Chapter 3 is all about goal setting with bold text saying don't skip this step. What I wrote above is the results of the exercises in Chapter 3. Since I don't have Michele to critique them based upon her book, I figured those here on the forum would.
I'm a bit confused by your comment on working on goals later on. Chapter 3 is all about goal setting with bold text saying don't skip this step. What I wrote above is the results of the exercises in Chapter 3. Since I don't have Michele to critique them based upon her book, I figured those here on the forum would.
Admittedly it has been a while since I read this book however I believe it says to make small attainable goals and my opinion is that your goals are counterproductive with saving your marriage.
Another words if you continue to pursue you will not obtain any of these goals. You need to make your goals more about YOU. Something that you can CONTROL, YOU. Not dependent on anything she is or is not going to do. For instance, I will not have a relationship talk with her while she is involved with another man. I will not persue. I will GAL I will be the Best DAD (you fill in how)
You need her to pursue YOU, she must control the contact. Until she is ready to work on your marriage most of what you are trying to CONTROL will not work. What I am saying is that you are not dealing with some one that thinks the same way as you or the same way that the person you married thinks. She has changed and you must understand that in order to proceed and make goals.
You two still live together, have children together but she has an OM, is this correct?
What needs of hers are you fulfilling? She is going to move away this summer? What is that going to look like? What is the marriage going to look like at that point?
She is living in a fantasy world. You need to show her what reality is going to look like.
It does help, Cadet thank you. I'm on this path for sure. Focusing on the kids helps a ton and I really like it. It's a roller coaster and I've had my share of backslides. I'll review my goals again and continue reading. I also have another coaching session next week so that will help to review them there also.
So now I need help in another way. Given the results of last weekend, whereby I did the soft confrontation which resulted in her reaching out to me Saturday night, and given she left Sunday (and I'm sure spent time with OM) and returning today. I'm struggling with the approach on her return. Light-hearted and engaging? Aloof? Ignore everything that happened (btw DB coach says I missed a bit of an opportunity Sat night to push for the intensive with Michele, so I'm looking for an opportunity to resurrect that as well - though likely not today)? Other approaches? I realize I am letting her control the contact, I just want to make sure I'm there the right way after this tumultuous week.
We discussed her A a bit today. I asked her to never let him in our house until after our divorce. She said yes. She surprisingly wasn't defensive. She is definately worried about what I intend on doing with the evidence and I ignored any inquiries in that direction. I pointed out things really coud have gone differently and she agreed. So I brought up the intensives. She actually said that because of how her confidence has gone up since telling me about the divorce, that she is maybe even arrogant (her word not mine) that we don't need any help from someone figuring out the coparenting plan, I said I understood why she feels that way but that still doesn't make us experts.
We began discussing her plan and my response to it. I will not go for her taking the kids to a newntown/school etc, we talk some about our business and I mentioned some of the things I'm getting screwed out of. All of these discussions took place without escalating (really happy about that) but all of a sudden she got really upset and left the room. I did not follow and I'm not really sure why it happened. Maybe the realization that I'm not just going to agree to everything she wants? I don't know.
I then got some work down and had to go lay down. I slept for about an hour and when I woke up, I was hurting more than I could have imagined. What is it about a good (vs any type of fighting) conversation and a little sleep that just makes me want to try to rationalize things with her and help me work this whole thing out for the kids. I didn't do it but man the desire to do so was strong. Arggh.
Went to the grade school this morning. I go on Friday's to help out for an hour in my son's 3rd grade class. I help them with their math packets and it's a lot of fun. Everyone at the grade school knows me. I think my W might be filing today. I sat in the parking lot after helping the kids and cried.
I realize I'm focusing on what I can't control. I do not know how to pull back from that. I love what we have, the good things, so much, it hurts so badly.
