[I've been away from the computer for a day, and my last thread went over 100... sorry dbmod.]
Just have to say it again: I don't know where I would be if I hadn't found the unconditional support of this family. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!! Links to the last ones:
Latest sitch: I'm traveling around Florida for 2 weeks visiting with family and friends... b/c H wants to date my BFF- and now she's my EXBFF because she wants to date hims as well.
I have been reading everyone's sitch while I'm traveling, I just haven't had the time to post and respond to my DB family.
Journal: Driving for 13 hours straight gives you A LOT of time to think... not such a good thing given my current state of mind. I got a book on tape and that seems to help keep my occupied- it's a murder mystery- no love, loss or feelings of any kind!!!
Had a great time watching Super Bowl with BIL and his co-workers. It was kinda funny- BIL kept keeping tabs on me. If he couldn't see me, he would wander around the house until he found me and then make eye contact and walk off again... it's like he was afraid of loosing me and having to explain that to H (who is the older brother.) If you didn't see my post on Rick's football thread: I watched the game, outside with only the moonlight, by a pool in 70 degree weather.... it was awesome!! Not to mention, that BIL and I were the ONLY Giants fans out of the 30 people who came- so we REALLY enjoyed gloating!!
Made it farther down into FL to my MIL house. She's a park ranger, and I got to go with her to a talk she gave to some elementary kids about fire safety and the animals in the park. **interesting background on my R with MIL: She HATED me (with a passion!) when H and I got M. For our 2 year engagement, I had to listen to her talk about his ex-gf that she adored and how they should be the one's getting M. H never heard her say these things and didn't think his mom was capable of being so mean, so he didn't step in. On my wedding video, her toast speech (to the entire reception hall) was: "We'll see how long it lasts!!" (H finally stepped in.) It wasn't until our first son was born- that I put my foot down. I told her that if she had any intention of being in that kid's life- she had to come through me... she became civil. She got a divorce 3 years after our wedding- and she broke down to me. She confessed that she was jealous of me since I was starting out on a great M meanwhile hers had been falling apart... so she was taking out her anger on me. She and I slowly developed a friendship and now (9 years after I've come into her life) she LOVES me!**
She has been a great support and insight into my sitch- she was the WAW in her M ((but COMPLETELY justified after H had an EA for 10 years, and refused to give it up. (some of you know) her exH is now M to that EA.)) She doesn't agree with what H is doing, but she understands his reasons. She feels that he didn't give it enough time- esp. since we have young kids. MIL didn't get up the nerve to think about WA until both her kids were at college... and even then it took her 5 years to finally do it- so she thinks its an easy out for H to leave after only 6 months of 'trying'.... H doesn't talk to her about our R anymore.
So, I tried calling to talk to my boys tonight- at their bedtime. No answer, and I get a call back 20 minutes later. My S told me that they were in the car driving back to the house- that made me really angry. I talked to S for a little and then got handed over to H. I didn't ask where they were or why the boys were out so late (cause I already knew the answers: OW's house). He asked about my super bowl party (he already knew the details b/c I saw BIL texting H through out the night) and he asked about my day with MIL. I politely responded with just enough, but not everything. I didn't ask him anything about his last 2 days. Especially didn't ask about what arrangements he had made for the boys during his work days- I think he would see it as a judgement on his dad abilities if I questioned him about the details. As if I don't think he is capable of taking care of them (this was said to me a few times over the years in similar sitchs) so it's a 180 for me to let him be completely in charge and not ask anything about it or offer to solve a problem.
He asked if we could do family talk after breakfast, because his nights "are so hectic"... I really wanted to say: "Oh, really?! It must be so hard to get off of work and go to the gym for 2 hours while OW has the kids all day, and then you have to pick them up and go home... such a tough life you lead." But I just said that we could try the breakfast call and see if it works better.
I really hope OW gets tired of being the nanny to H. I don't like that me leaving has created a sitch where they *have* to spend more time together. I hope that H realizes that the boys should be in bed at their bedtime- otherwise, they don't sleep well at night and are cranky the next day... it's only day 3 on his '2 weeks single dad life'... I'm kinda laughing inside thinking about him complaining later in the week.
I am really trying to not think about H and OW while I'm traveling.... it's tough. I'm honestly not worried about the safety of my kids- I know that H is an awesome dad and OW has been with them their whole lives... it just irks me that, in my absence, they have the opportunity to get closer.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Of course that irks you. I think you're handling it so gracefully, though. I hope your trip only gets better from here!
M & H 25 T 9 D 7 S 4 Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me. Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out 2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other. 3-4-12 H moved back in. 3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
glad you had a nice visit w/ your BIL and MIL. i don't watch football but your description of your night made me jealous!!
as for H.. you can only control your actions and choices. breath in.. breath out.. hahaha.. i have to repeat this many times during the day. your kids are safe. and i'm sure they are missing you. remember that! they miss you.. not OW!
what are you up to today ms fancy pants?
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
MIL took me to the driving range today, and was very patient as she tried to help me learn how to swing/hit the ball. **I played softball for many years, and I tend to back swing the club as if it were a bat** I decided a while ago, that when the weather gets better up north, I'm going to try to pick up golf. Might not be the most exciting sport, but it's something that gets me around new people and the opportunity to develop some friendships- AND it's not an aerobic sport (because of my heart). H always liked golf, but he never had enough patience to teach me: the few times he took me to the range, clubs usually got thrown into the air. So, not only do I have the chance to GAL for myself- BUT perhaps, I can impress H someday
Unfortunately, I've gotten sick since being here. I haven't been in FL in a while, and the pollens are different- so I've got the sinus pressure and puffy eyes going on.... I fell asleep for 4 hours today!
H doesn't call or text at all until it's time for the boys to go to bed. It makes me feel good to hear S6 tell me how much he misses me He was asking where I was tonight, and what the sky looked like- so we had a talk about how we are both looking at the same full moon- and that seemed to make him feel good. The baby doesn't understand the phone yet- but we do facetime and he tries to kiss the screen- just melts my heart!!
H got on the phone and chatted with me about how I was feeling and how the day went. It was like a normal conversation that we've always had- the only difference was there was no "I miss you" and it didn't end with "I love you".
So strange to 'be connected' and not at the same time.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
MIL had an interesting theory about what H is going through.... She thinks that he is acting out of character. She does agree that something drastic needed to happen in our M because she could tell that both of us weren't happy. BUT his extreme detachment and cruelty towards me as well as him going out all the time to "be happy" aren't like him. She thinks that he's acting these ways out of fear of going to AFG in a few months. H has shared some of these feelings with me (before the bomb) but never came right out and said that he is scared- a guy thing? MIL feels that he's wanting to do everything possible to enjoy life- because he's afraid he might not come back. It makes sense. Evidence: *He works out 3 hours a day, 6 days a week. He's told MIL that he wants to be in peak physical shape before he goes over there. He's put on 8 lbs of muscle in the last month alone, about 30 lbs in the last 6 months. *He goes out Friday/Saturday nights until 3 in the morning (when it's not his weekend, and I've witnessed the '3 am' arrival a few times.) H is naturally social, but also a homebody- we always had parties and gatherings at our house, but he hates bars/clubs. *He has said: "when I take my 4 weeks of leave before I go, I probably won't be around much because I want to travel around and do things that I want to do- some with the boys and some without." This is unusual because H is cheap and hates to travel. And the past 4 deployments, he's always isolated himself with me and the kids to spend as much time with us- and those were only 8 month deployments, not a year.
There's other strange sayings and actions from him that lend itself to MIL theory. Any of our Military peeps out there- your insight would be helpful. I don't think he will ever tell me or admit that he's scared, but I don't think it's healthy for him to keep all that bottled up inside. Should I approach him and say something like: "I can only imagine how scary it must be to think about going over there. I'm sure you are anxious and nervous during this time that you are preparing to go. I know you are going to miss the boys terribly. Please let me know what I can do to help ease your tensions."
I'm probably not the one that he wants to talk to- perhaps he's already shared his fears with OW. I know that he won't approach me to talk, but if I broke the ice with something like that statement above, I know that he will open up and vent to me. **H has always told me that I'm the best person for him to talk through problems with because I help him see new perspectives and ease his worries**
Any ideas about how to handle this would be great
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Hey P, glad your trip is going well. No military background for me so I'll leave that to the experts.
Regarding your H and OW though, maybe the time together isn't such a bad thing. I've heard that these other relationships are often based on a fantasy of everything being good compared to only seeing the bad in the M. Maybe this time will bring a bit of reality to light and strip away a bit of the fantasy fascade.
Enjoy the warm weather. I went north this week and am looking at a light covering of snow. It was nice the first 30 minutes. Now I'm just cold.....: )
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
MIL had an interesting theory about what H is going through.... She thinks that he is acting out of character. She does agree that something drastic needed to happen in our M because she could tell that both of us weren't happy.
don't lose sight of this^^^ b/c it is the only thing you control
and it's awfully easy to label his behavior in MLC or mortality concerns...just a reminder...the focus isn't on HIM, it's on your life. And labeling it does what? Steers away from your own work and avoids dealing with the marriage's problems?
BUT his extreme detachment and cruelty towards me as well as him going out all the time to "be happy" aren't like him.
Purg, I must have missed something. The guy, compared to most WAHs is not "extremely detached or cruel"...he asks the bil about you in the game, which shows interest, and he shows concern for your health and goes to your appointments when you ask him to...Don't revise...Read up on other situations if you want to see real cruelty, given the givens.
She thinks that he's acting these ways out of fear of going to AFG in a few months. H has shared some of these feelings with me (before the bomb) but never came right out and said that he is scared- a guy thing?
Seems natural... My h is deploying, my brother is there now and we lost a brother in 2007 (I'm now one of 9, not 10)...
You bet my h is in the best shape of his life right now. For good reason. I served during the Gulf War and got in the best shape of my life then too...seriously, better than ever. (My brother who is there now is the only person I know who isn't in great shape. It's like he's pushing his luck for some reason -Losing brother/ survivor guilt??)...but that's another story.
FIL did 3 tours in Vietnam and an earlier tour in Korea. He always got in great shape before hand and jammed in some time with his sons fishing and hunting and discussing "life things" before each tour. This is normal and healthy to me.
And not a 'guy thing' in the sense that female soldiers are different. We are not different in this context. Those of us who were going or might have, ALL got in shape and did some bucket list things and if we were moms too, (which sukks) we spent lots of mama time.
MIL feels that he's wanting to do everything possible to enjoy life- because he's afraid he might not come back. It makes sense. Evidence: *He works out 3 hours a day, 6 days a week. He's told MIL that he wants to be in peak physical shape before he goes over there. He's put on 8 lbs of muscle in the last month alone, about 30 lbs in the last 6 months.
Well, okay...So? What's wrong with this? AND, what are YOU going to DO about any of this? Spend time wondering what it all means?
Is that where you want your focus to be? And btw, losing weight and getting in shape IS normal for deploying soldiers...AND it's also normal for men who expect to be single soon...(sorry) but either way, it does not change your course, does it?
*He goes out Friday/Saturday nights until 3 in the morning (when it's not his weekend, and I've witnessed the '3 am' arrival a few times.) H is naturally social, but also a homebody- we always had parties and gatherings at our house, but he hates bars/clubs. *He has said: "when I take my 4 weeks of leave before I go, I probably won't be around much because I want to travel around and do things that I want to do- some with the boys and some without." This is unusual because H is cheap and hates to travel. And the past 4 deployments, he's always isolated himself with me and the kids to spend as much time with us- and those were only 8 month deployments, not a year. This^^^ is the only thing that is different, so far.
There's other strange sayings and actions from him that lend itself to MIL theory. Any of our Military peeps out there- your insight would be helpful. I don't think he will ever tell me or admit that he's scared, but I don't think it's healthy for him to keep all that bottled up inside. Should I approach him and say something like: "I can only imagine how scary it must be to think about going over there. I'm sure you are anxious and nervous during this time that you are preparing to go. I know you are going to miss the boys terribly. Please let me know what I can do to help ease your tensions." IMO, No-- you are mind reading, and he may take it as an insult. You can ASK him how he feels about it. Then LISTEN...do not fix or suggest....don't even invite your involvement...just ask and listen.
I'm probably not the one that he wants to talk to- perhaps he's already shared his fears with OW. I know that he won't approach me to talk, but if I broke the ice with something like that statement above, I know that he will open up and vent to me. **H has always told me that I'm the best person for him to talk through problems with because I help him see new perspectives and ease his worries**
Any ideas about how to handle this would be great
see above.
And fyi, Purg-
my biggest regret in how I behaved with H, (other than the anger part) was how much time I WASTED on what H was thinking/doing/saying/planning when it ALL should have been about ME creating MY LIFE and GAL and our children's future...
Stay in your sandbox and do your work. Otherwise it's a bunch of you talking behind his back and making his r with his mother suffer (to HIM that's how it'll look)
and over time, she'll choose her son over you.
Tread carefully with trying to diagnose and treat him. And I'm not sure I understand your apparent sense of urgency here. Okay so he's either evolving and changing or he's acting out of character...but
He doesn't feel he is the "wrong" one or the one with the problem. Besides, your mil agrees the m wasn't a good one before he left. He needs to believe the marriage can be better/different for you to reconcile. So how does any of this help that occur?
Your focus needs to be showing YOUR NEW SELF...Changes---Anger? What anger? Temper? What's that?
You are the New Improved Zen serene purg...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 - I think I need to write this down and look at it every day to remind myself.
Purg, I'm glad your R with your MIL is good. Hopefully she'll continue to support you. My MIL has been supportive so far, and I believe that she'll always be. That's just the kind of person she is. She will always love her son unconditionally even though H treats her like crap.
I agree with 25, don't spend too much time trying to "label" your H. Whatever the reason, only he will be able to "come out of it" when he's ready. You're doing great DBing, and I'm glad you got the opportunity to get away for a couple of weeks. You're strong and you've already grown so much. Take one day at a time.
I want to respond to the above posts, when I can get to my laptop..... Thank you all for checking in with me and reminding me about MY work that needs to be done... Focus, focus.
I called the house this morning to talk to my kids before they leave for the day. It was rushed and S was distracted, so I didn't get to talk a lot about anything important it was nice to hear him say he misses me and loves me though
Since I'm gone, I only get to talk to them at breakfast time, or right before bed- both of which aren't ideal because S is either rushing to get dressed, or tired and not very talkative. I really miss getting him off the bus and listening to him ramble on about his day and what he learned at school.
I also miss seeing my baby smile at me and giving me hugs and kisses. H says he smiles when I talk to him on the phone, but dice my g-ma doesn't have wifi, we can't do FaceTime so I can see his sweet face. I worry (probably irrationally) that he thinks I've left him.
Question: OW has changed the baby's nap schedule to fit her routine. I don't know if this was discussed with H and he gave his approval- but it was only told to me as if H was telling me that he ate something new (very nonchalant.) It bothered me because when I left, he was taking 2 hour long naps during te day. Now, 4 days later, he is only taking 1 20 minite nap (an its at a time of day that will not work with my routine when I get back.) I mentioned that this seemed like a drastic change from where he was just 4 days ago, and H didn't seem to think anything was wrong: "well, he must just not need them anymore." i know that the baby was reaching an age where his nap routine would modify, but I'm having a hard time believing that he would change all of a sudden and so drastically as soon as I leave town.
Am I allowed to say anything to him? To her? Not at all?
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
it was nice to hear him say he misses me and loves me though