I've posted a few times before, with limited response. Do alot of reading in what other people are going thru and what I'm going thru. My wife and I have been married 10 yrs, together 12. We both work in the fire service and spend more time apart than together. The last four 4 months of 2011 is where all of our problems started. My wife is also in nursing school which means more time apart from each other. There are times when I would get upset with her and would tend to hold a grudge. We got to where we weren't spending any time together due to school and work, it got to the point I felt like she didn't care about the marriage so why should I. It was to the point where I didn't care wether she was here or not, once she finished the last semester in Dec I guess she realized that she was tired of mean being unemotional or acting like I didn't care or want her around. By the time Chistmas came she had come to the decision that she didn't want to be married anymore and after some short discussion she told me she was done and wanted out. I was distraught, I realized that I had made a big mistake and didn't want her out of my life, I wanted to do anything possible to keep her around. Things turned miserable, no talking, cold shoulder's and she left the bedroom and we took turns sleeping on the couch. She even bought a bok about how to file on line for a quick divorce. I started to see a counselor to work out some issue I have with a previous PA on her part. 4 yrs ago, never really got past it. When had a few long discussion's with her telling me she really wanted this divorce. She talked about us picking days so to watch the kids so the other one would not be at home, wanted me to come up with a parenting plan for the kids. Of course I stalled, bought the divorce remedy and made sure I was doing anything to jepordize our marriage any further. After a week to week and a half she seemed to warm up to talking about anything in general, I went back to being the loving caring husband I was when we were married, and applied no pressure to her about the marriage or R or MC, about a week later she had fallen asleep on the couch and I woke her up to help her up to bed, after getting her settle i went over to grab my pillows and told her I would sleep on the couch, she stated that I didn't need to do that and I could stay in the bed with her, I was shocked, over the next xouple of weeks we talk about alot of stuff in general, I have been hesitant in bringing up anything about the marriage in general, because I don't want it to seem like pressure. She has no contact towards me, but doesn't have a issue if I give her a massage, or put my hand on her shoulder. Every once in awhile I get one of the pet names from her like hone, sweetie. There was one night a week ago where we were romantic, again a surprise.
My question to the group is when do you think I should bring up the conversation about the marriage. I have been holding off because we are still getting comfortable in having conversation's in general.
I'm trying to remain cautiously optimistic that we can work this out.
Sorry for the length but I would appreciate any advice.
Post often as you will be in moderation for a bit. I can not post the 37 rules from. Sandi from my phone but someone will soon. Do not talk about theR. Welcome to the board and read up on others. Hang in there
Ps when you say you both work in the fire services are you like arsonists?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
The biggest complaint was that she just feels we keeping going thru this phases, where we happy and then we fall into a kind of funk where we develop issues. When we talked on christmas she had the impression that I was gonna file for divorce after the holiday's, and I think she convinced herself to keep from getting herself hurt. For the last couple of months, sept, oct. nov. I really didn't care if she was there or not. The PA on her part has been a big problem for me, we never really talked about it when we got back together, just tried to put it behind us, and I have harbored resentment over the years for this. After talking to my Counselor she made me realize that I was wanting her to hurt like I hurt after the affair and that's why I couldn't get past it. The last few months I wanted her to feel like I felt. No realizing that I was pushing her away. I have met with my C and feel that I'm working past the affair. I want to show my wife I can be the person she married and treat her right.
Learn them well-- as they are a life saving guide at times...
good luck, keep posting and here they are:
(I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I did.)
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
I appreciated all the advice about not talking to her about the M or D. Today she came to me and wanted to talk, she stated that now she doesn't know what she wants to do, her exact words were I just don't know. This is a big change from 5 weeks ago when it was I want a divorce, and I want it now. She says she feels she not in a happy M, I asked her what her idea of a happy M was and she said I don't know. The last weeks we have talked more, but I have avoided anything to do with the M as not to place any pressure on her. I also asked her if she wanted to go to MC with me, she said she didn't know, and wasn't sure what it would do. I hope to be able to steer her towards the MC, any advice on ways to help guide her in that direction without apply pressure.
