Can 2 people go from friends, to EA (but not PA), and back to friends?? Can the marriage recover if they literally are just really close friends now (in my simple little brain, I believe she ended the EA to try to work on us) or does she need to eventually get that influence out of her life for us to really get this thing back and have our marriage be re-born??
Short answer is yes, long answer start reading all those resources.
Recovery is not going to be pressing a button and all is well.
You must LET GO and move on with YOU. If your R was meant to be then it can recover as long as you have love for her.
You will decide when this is over. But that is not NOW it is later down the road. For now there is no shortcuts on this.
Start with detachment and work your way from there.
Cadet, thanks for the links...did a lot of reading over the weekend. Now I need to start incorporating the new info into my actions...
Just a quick update... not much new from the W, still cold and distant. On Friday night we were discussing some things (she started the convo) and she brought up one of the 180s I've been working on and she said, "Why do you do this now when you haven't done it for 10 years?" I completely disagreed with her perception of the last 10 years, but I kept my thoughts to myself (old me was often more interested in being right than understanding why she felt/perceived the way she did). I said that since she dropped the bomb, I have done a lot of reflecting on what she said when she dropped the bomb and I'm read a lot and realized the mistakes (more of omission than commission, but mistakes still the same) and I am working to change. Everyday I am trying to be a better person, better father, and better husband than I was the day before. She said she just doesn't understand me anymore. I told her it was a learning process for both of us...she changed/grew over the years and I didn't grow with her. Now I'm changing and growing and in time she will see and understand the changes I've made.
Normally when we sleep, I have my arm on/around her. That night when I put my arm around her, my hand happened to be where her hand was. I gently held her hand (more of just resting my hand on top of hers). A few minutes later I had to adjust my pillow, so I moved my hand and she squeezed my hand. After I fixed my pillow I put my hand back on hers and she squeezed it again.
In the month since the bomb drop, in all the times she's hugged/kissed me, I think that hand squeeze was the first real (positive), honest emotion she has showed.
Unfortunately, that didn't result in any momentum or improved demeanor from her the following day.
It's only been 1 month since the bomb, and I keep telling myself this is a marathon, not a sprint and I need to settle into a nice rhythm and speed because it's going to take awhile.
She had a nice GAL day Sat and I did on Sun, though I cut it shorter than I had planned because the W and younger son were both sick, so I got home earlier to help take care of the kid so she could rest.
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
Just to clarify that post, when she asked why I'm doing the 180 now when I haven't for 10 years, IN MY HEAD I disagreed with her, but didn't voice those disagreements to her. I was going to defend myself, but quickly asked myself what the point was? It wasn't going to change her opinion of what we were talking about and would definitely annoy her and take the convo back to part of the reason why she dropped the bomb. I think not defending myself in that situation was actually a bigger 180 than what we were talking about.
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
You don't necessarily need to "defend" yourself, but you should have mentioned something.
Maybe something like... "really? I believe I'd been changing for quite awhile now and have gotten quite a few compliments." Then just move on to the next topic. So you're not disagreeing with her and it shows that you have been changing for alot longer than she realizes.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks for the feedback Mr. Bond. One of my biggest issues that I'm working through is that I was raised (and continued to act until very very recently) super-competitively about everything in life: school, sports, work, everything. I was raised believing that I'm smarter, better, etc than most and everything just happens for me without a lot of effort (and I've had a pretty good life until she dropped the bomb). Due to who I am and who I'm related to, I had luxuries and opportunities growing up that most don't have. The W has commented numerous times throughout the 18 years "Why do you have to think you're right all the time? (my normal answer was because I am right). Why can't you just go along with other people's ideas even if you are right?, etc"
So when the issue of the 180 came up Friday, and it really is just a difference of perception, in light of the above, I thought it was better to just leave it alone because in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter what she thinks I have or haven't done for the last 10 years. My initial reaction/impulse was to start listing off all the times that I've done this 180 over the last 10 years, but then said to myself, "who cares she didn't see it/recognize it then, she's not going to just accept now that her perception was wrong".
All that matters to me right now is that she starts to see & understand that I'm different now than I was a month ago and in time see that marriage to me going forward will be different than it was for the last 10 years.
She has said numerous times that she doesn't think she can ever love me again like she used to and I tell her to just give it time and she says why? Why is it going to be different now than it has been for the last few years and I tell her that I'm different now. Everything changed when she dropped the bomb last month and started telling me how she feels about me and us. I've told her that it took 3 years to dig this hole, it's going to take more than 1 month to climb out...
I don't want her to love me like she used to, I don't want our marriage to go back to where it was 5 years ago. I want us to move forward and make it better than it's ever been. I told her it doesn't matter if she doesn't see it now, just hang around and watch and you'll see it (and yes I know that sounds a lot like the first issue listed in this comment, sometimes that's a good personality trait).
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
I completely agree Mr Bond and it's the biggest change I've made over the last 12-18 months, but more importantly, that's not how I want to raise my sons... The problem is S5 is insanely smart, athletic, and likable (and no I'm not saying that because he is my son, random people come up to me when he is playing a sport to ask me if that is my son and comment on how good he is). Trying to keep his ego in check when everyone else tells him how smart and great he is, is very difficult to do with a 5 year old and still make sure that he knows we think he's special and amazing because he's our son, not because of how smart or athletic he is.
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
Why does it seem like every time I take 2 steps forward, I take 2 (or 5) steps back...
Had a bad day at the office, getting sick, tired, stressed about the sitch...get home from work say hi to the boys and the W (wife sick, tired, in a bad mood too) and make my dinner...
S8 (who has a minor learning disability) is busy with homework and S5 is building legos...
S8 struggling with homework and not focusing, so I (politely) ask S8 to focus on his work and finish up because it's getting late. S8 blows up, I (slightly) blow up back, S8 storms out of the room, and W yells at me "why do you always have to push him so hard!" Because I'm already in a great mood and getting better I say "Everything bad in your life and his is not my fault."
I go to S8 room and apologize and discuss the issues with him. He goes back downstairs and finishes his homework. W mad and says 3 words the rest of the night...
So much for acting as if and keeping the road at home smooth...
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
Why does this have to be so hard?? Why do I keep fighting for something that she has clearly stated she doesn't want anymore?? Why does it seem like living with a WAW who has mentally, but not physically, walked away, sometimes seem harder than if she actually walked away?? When do I stop fighting for this and file the paperwork?? How will I know when it is time to give up, since I've never given up at anything, and I never lose??
Then I go check on the boys, and see their sleeping, adorable faces and remember why...
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
First of all you have to stop seeing it as a "fight". You're not "fighting" for your M, you are just honoring your vows. A fight means struggle and pain. But when you stand for what's right it just becomes an extension of you.
You have the same right to disagree with her as she has with you. Don't ever stop believing that your opinion doesn't matter.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
