Where did my life go?

[irishblessings]

Please tell me that almost 11 months after the divorce it is still "normal" to feel so disoriented - if not, then I am SCREWED!!!!

XH and OW show up to son's game last night wearing matching t-shirts with son's name on it. Opposing team fans coming up to see XH (he used to coach) and OW HANGING on him and acting like son's mother!!!!!!! I could not get out of there fast enough. As I was waiting for son to come out of locker room - typically XH walks OW outside then comes back in to see son. Not now - we have now moved to them standing right outside of locker room. So arrogant! Everyone looking at them like WTF???? He just doesn't get it. The kids have said - "Dad, just let brother get through the season - whenever you bring her into this scene it's humiliating!" But he feels this is HIS time. It's time for HIM to be happy and the rest of us just need to get used to it.

Personally, I am sick of walking into these events and having to feel so awkward. It just feels as though I keep failing at "moving on". I know at the end of the month the season will be over and that will help. But the next thing is oldest D's wedding. She wants to put his name only on the invite with "no guest" added. She's like "it's my day and it's only for a few hours - surely he can be away from her for that short amount of time."

I just want to feel better - to feel hopeful again. What is wrong with me?

[beatrice]

IB there is nothing wrong with you. What you are feeling is normal. This guy was your life, and now he is behaving as badly as my xh, and that is something.

Clearly it is up to your daughter but when my son got married he made it clear to xh that OW wasn't welcome, and a good friend of mine [ex policeman] was all lined up to march her out if he showed up with her. She didn't show up, but they have either lost all sense of what is appropriate, or they simply do not care a straw for anyone else.

It is unacceptable to turn up at a wedding with an uninvited guest, and it may be that someone will have to spell it out to xh that he comes alone or not at all. Even without xh my son's wedding was stressful enough with a MLCer even there! But it is your xh's choice imho, to stay away or come without OW. It is not your daughter's obligation, if she really doesn't want OW to be present, for her to be there.

It takes a long time to 'get over' this type of hurt humiliation and betrayal by someone we loved and trusted.
Was your xh always an insensitive type of person or is this new and MLC type behaviour?

Over 6years post bomb, and nearly 7 years significant behavour change, I am pretty much OK, and happy to be me most of the time. Even so I sometimes see other couples and wonder where my life went? But it isn't normal to move on quickly in emotional terms, after a long and happy marriage. I wonder about people who appear to do this, whether they have really healed.

[seeking answers]

IB,

You act with grace and dignity at these events. Please, he is not humiliating you at all, he's humiliating himself.

Seems to me he started feeling the effects of that when he asked if you could be 'friendly' with him at these places. People aren't treating him the same and until he realizes it was because of his choices and not the way you or the children act, is why others treat him the way they do, and they will continue to do so.

The woman he is with has no class and no shame. I can imagine how your S feels when she wears a t-shirt bearing his name. Others empathize with him. That's why XH and ow get the WTF looks.

When/if your XH ever comes out of acting like a teenager, I hope he realizes what he's done and what he's lost.

Your D has every right to have who she wants at her wedding. Too bad if her dad doesn't like it.

IB, I know you don't realize it yet, but you really are moving forward. Your hopefulness comes from within, no one can take that away from you.

[irishblessings]

Beatrice,

I was really taken by your comment "was xh always insensitive or is this MLC behavior?" It is most definitely MLC behavior. Although he now says that he was "stifled" for all these years from being this "authentic" person.

SA - you characterize OW correctly - classless.

Need a break

[MissingMyFamily]

IB,

You are an awesome person to be able to deal with that BS. GOD has a special plan for people like you. You may not understand how or why but trust me he does. Hang in there. Things will get better.

[irishblessings]

Thank you Missing - it still feels more like a twilight zone. I do have faith God has a plan - I'm just becoming impatient.

My weakness

[MissingMyFamily]

I understand I feel the same. My wife walked out on me in October & last week she said she wants a dissolution. She said she wanted one before back in August. I have left that decision up to her she must do all the leg work. Im now at the LRT and just going dark it's a hard thing to do when you love someone with all your heart. We all make mistakes in life and ive made my fair share. Ive always been faithful though 11.5 years of our marriage and have made changes for the better and she still wants out which [censored] and there has been zero effort from her to even be willing to see if my changes are true. I can't understand why. Like you stated it feels like a really bad dream you can't wake up from. What happened to our spouses I guess some of us will never know but one thing I do know is GOD is good and things will work out for us at some point in life. Hang in their things will get better for us both. I wish you nothing but the very best and Im sure it will happen for you.

[irishblessings]

Thanks Missing - I hope the same for you.

I find myself wishing more and more that there was someone who I could turn all my decision making over to. I just did what they told me to do. I find it harder and harder to stay on top of everything. I need to be reminded to do things. I need someone to tell me "do this first / then this next / then this..." Without this, I feel as though I am flailing through life - days. I don't make good decisions and I feel as though I will never make it to the time when things in my life become okay again.

I know that I have been told many times that I am too hard on myself - but that's part of why I feel I need this help. I need to be "retrained" to understand minimum expectations and what "normal" people do.

Happy Sunday right?

[job]

IB,
When I was experiencing what you are at this time, I made a list for each day. It helped me to stay on track as to what needed to be completed and when. Also, I looked at the tasks that I could knock out quickly and did them first and then worked on the harder ones.

What you are experiencing is very normal and in time, you will settle down. In all areas of life, keep your expectations low or zero for now. Are you taking any time for yourself? If not, that is one of the main tasks on your list of things to do, carve out some time for yourself. Listen, there are things that you don't need to do as a priority. For example, your home doesn't need to be spotless all of the time. Look at your home as being lived in and comfortable. You will learn to "retrain" your thought processes along the way. We all have had to do this, but it takes time and you may be trying to rush the process along and it won't work.

Today, carve out some "me" time and just sit down and enjoy a good book or watch the game.

[AntoniaB]

IB the wanting to turn things over to someone else to make decisions is, I think, a remnant of your dynamic with your XH. It may be that you actually made a lot of the decisions and took charge of a lot during your marriage, but it "felt" like he was still "steering the ship" because of his presence. If you were raised at all in a patriarchal environment, as most of us were, I think even when women are responsible for many things they don't "own" that the are or were responsible. There is always a man there who seems to be "holding them up" or supporting them with their decisions, or TAKING CREDIT even when the woman did the work.

Example: there was an outbreak of robberies in my parents' area a few months ago. Mom mentioned it to dad. Dad, who is an invalid with a walker, said, 'Well no one will break into this house, don't you worry, because I'm here all the time.' I assure you that my mom is much more capable of physically dealing with a burglar than my dad. But this is the attitude. I'm a man, and I'm here to protect you. I'm here to catch you if you make a decision and it backfires.

If that is a message you have heard for your whole life in so many words, then you have internally told yourself that you are not AS capable of taking care of yourself and your family alone as you would be if your XH was there. My doctor said this to me: when I say man what is the word that comes to mind? I said "protector/supporter/buffer from the outside world/from problems." She said "why don't you say any of that when I say woman?"

Her advice was to really focus on all the ways women have proven themselves to be JUST AS GOOD at being protectors as men, or even situations where women were the rock that held men up, or women were the ones who kept children cared for without men's help.

I guess my advice to you is to consider how much of what you are feeling right now is your own doubt in your abilities, or is it the internalized voice of a patriarachal world or upbringing or marriage haunting you, telling you you can't do it alone.

Because if it's mainly the voice of the external world saying you can't do it and you're internalizing that, well, you can certainly change that around.

IB you have to shut that voice down, because it's lying to you. You HAVE taken on all these decisions, you HAVE been a single parent now for quite some time and you have kept things stable and acted with dignity and respect. You probably were taking on a huge amount of the responsiblity even during the marriage, too, but you didn't "own" what you were doing. You didn't really notice all you did. You just did what you thought a wife was "supposed" to do.

Every time I have that feeling I "need" XH back (or I need some man to "replace" him) because I hate all the responsibility and feel like it's not fair that I have to do this alone, I try to tell myself that the doubt is the voice of patriarchy telling me I'm not capable, and that I need to listen to the voice of matriarchy, which says oh yes, you have been capable for a long time now and will continue to be. I try to turn it into a women's rights issue, if you know what I mean.

My sister looked at the size of my yard the other day and said, "when I see what you have to do alone, it just makes me want to cry at how much it is." I said "You know what? Don't even go there. Women before me had more to take care of and women after me will too. I probably can't do as good a job as he used to do with my help, and that's ok. I do my best."

Just a disclaimer: I hope this email doesn't come off as male-bashing--it's just that I get the sense that the feeling of needing the spouse there because of feeling overwhelmed seems to be a female thing more than a male thing...I could be wrong...but it seems like women going through divorce have a bit more self-doubt about their ability to carry on alone than men do, at least based on my experience/what my doctor has told me.