As time approches for my lease to end, I can not imagine myself moving back there at all. It has been almost 4 months since I moved out and I just feel like I am ready to move on ever further. I thought that the separation would make me feel differently but to honest, while I have been in own apartment, I have been happier. I think we get along well and I want that to continue so much. I think we can be great parents to our S and still remain good friends. I just do not want to be in the marriage anymore and I think we both need to be able to move on. I know you say you do not want to but we have to.
You are fantastic. You are truly the man now I wish you were before I walled myself off. We all make mistakes, I made a huge one by not expressing my feelings years ago when I started to feel different. I just didn't want to admit the failure of not making things work and despite what you may think...I tried vert hard to ignore the bad stuff that was going on with us even though I have now forgiven you for that. I just cannot ignore how I fell now even though I love you so much as friend it's just not enough for a marriage to work for me.
It's not fair to you to love me and for me not to return the same feeling. You are great to me and I cannot thank you enough for putting up with all that you have through this time of change and uncertainty. I just know you need and deserve way more than me. I know I said this before and I have tried to make myself change how I feel but I just cannot. I can't keep pretending or thinking im going to change. It's not fair to any of us especially S.
I do want you to be happy so much and I do want you to move on. I wish things could have been different I really do for all of us but it is how it is and we have to move forward for all of us.
I think we can move forward with a dissolution and agree on things. I really do want to still be able to do things together but I can't keep from feeling like we are going to change as we and I love our relationship. I am so affraid if there is not a chance of getting back together then you will not want to be nice to me anymore. I think that would be wrong because I know we care about each other and to be any different with each other would not be in our character.
It's hard for me to say stuff like this and I am sure you know that. I don't want to lead you on. Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead (the line from that song is so true) and I feel like I am hurting you. In fact I know I do. I was hurt for years but played it off like all was ok but now I feel like I am hurting you and I hate how it make me feel. I want you to be happy again!!!!! And I want to be happy again. I will help you with whatever you need and will always be here for you no matter what!!!! I hope when we talk we can figure out when we can get this process started and remain great friends.
ANYONE HAVE ANY THOUHGTS AS WHAT I SHOULD DO? OR IS IT TOO LATE LIKE I BELIEVE IT IS?
I have some thoughts about it. First of all, if she wants out, for whatever reason, there is NOTHING you can do to stop her. It sounds to me like she wants something else (or someone else), and she doesn't want to feel bad about it.....so she's paying you all these compliments and trying to make the split as amicable as possible. Trying to talk her out of it is futile...any decision has to be hers. The best thing you can do at this point is to let her go...that doesn't mean 'give up'...it just means that you acknowledge that you can not control her. Start today taking better care of yourself, exercise, read, learn. Become the best 'you' that you can. If she brings it up, then talk with her...but do not beg or plead. Regardless of how this turns out, one thing is certain...you gotta be better and stronger than you've been in the past. So it's a win-win situation to do as I suggested. Either way, it's something you have to do. So do that.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Well if thats the case and she wants out should I protect myself and ask for spousal support & or child support? By her walking out my 800 credit score will be cut in half. Everything we pretty much own was purchased on my good credit. My house will be lost in forclosure. Her name isn't on the loan so it was a easy discison to walk out. I switched jobs a few years back and now she is the bread winner and also carries insurance on me. I'm f'd to the ten degree. I was given ten days notice on her moving out. If I did go for child support and or spousal support would that be wrong of me? I know by doing so it would piss her off but at the same time i need to start looking out for me for once. Would this be a good move if I want to have any chance at getting her back one day? If it does maybe I should just suck it up I guess? How would others handle this?
You have to protect yourself. Regardless. What do you think she'd do if the situation were reversed? I wouldn't be concerned AT ALL about pissing her off.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
....I can not "imagine myself" moving back there at all....I "just feel" like I am ready to move on ever further. "I thought" that the separation would make me feel differently but to "honest"...I have been "happier". "I think" we get along well and "I want" that to continue so much. "I think" we can be great parents to our S and still remain "good friends". I just do not "want to be in the marriage anymore" and "I think" we both need to be able to move on. I know you say you do not want to but we have to.?
I did my best here to point out all the emotions behind what she is saying. By using "I think" and "I feel" a lot she is telling you exactly what she is feeling. And while you can kick and scream day and night and chase her away, there is nothing you can do but agree with her if you want to DR and LRT sucessfully with a great head start. You don't have any leverage here so tell her you agree and the marriage can't be save but you can still be great parents and friends. Then you go dark until she wants to talk to you and give her the space she NEEDS. Remember not to invite yourself into her life at this time. Don't ask questions, don't chase, don't accuse her of anything. That will only wall her off even further.
Originally Posted By: MissingMyFamily
"You are fantastic" (qualifier)....You are truly the man now I wish you were before I walled myself off.... We all make mistakes (uh oh!), I made a huge one by not expressing "my feelings" years ago when I started to "feel different". I just didn't want to admit the failure of "not making things work" and despite what you may think...I tried vert hard to ignore the bad stuff that was going on with us even though I have now forgiven you for that. (classic WAW btw) I just cannot ignore "how I fell" now even though I love you so much "as a friend" it's just (just is justifying) "not enough" for a marriage to work for me.
It's "not fair" to you to love me and for me not to return the same feeling. "You are great to me" and I cannot thank you enough for putting up with all that you have through this time of change and uncertainty. "I just" (there you go again) know "you need" and "deserve way more than me" (disqualifies herself). I know I said this before and I have tried to make myself change "how I feel" but "I just" cannot.
I'm seeing some red flags here for an affair with how she qualifies you first and then says things like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and "as a friend". Affair spouses say and do things that disqualify themselves for any good deed you do because they feel like they don't deserve your affection. There may or may not be an affair going on but I can tell you for certain not to worry. So what if you get knocked back from husband to friend. You still have the opportunity to go through the list of criteria and flip on those attraction switches and having a kid together only increases your chances.
Originally Posted By: MissingMyFamily
I can't keep "pretending?" or "thinking" im going to change. It's "not fair to any of us?" especially S.
I do "want you to be happy" so much and I do "want you to move on"(uh oh!). I wish things could have been different(regret) I really do for all of us "but it is how it is" (justifying her feelings) and we have to move forward for all of us.
I can clearly tell by this that she is misserable with her decision and full of regret. Again all you can do is agree, agree, agree and give space.
Originally Posted By: MissingMyFamily
"I think" we can move forward with a "dissolution and agree on things". I really do want to "still be able to do things together" (just friends) but I can't "keep from feeling" like we are going to change as we and "I love our relationship". (BUT) "I am so affraid"(honest feeling) if there is not a chance of getting back together then "you will not want to be nice to me"(BINGO!) anymore. I think that would be wrong because I know "we care about each other" and to be any "different with each other would not be in our character"(worried about how you will treat her).
Ok, I'm sensing that maybe there was some anger issues in you that would cause her to fear how you would react, possibly anger issues or raising your voice at her. After you get ahold of your self and agree with her feeling, this would be a great 180 for you to work on. She also bring up the "let's still be friends" message her which is a sign of cake eating. I was faced with this too and found the best way to 180 and avoid being her safety net is to first show her over a couple months that you are fine with this decision and won't get angry with her if she does file. You'll still be there to show her appreciation and ease her guilt for a few months and change her expectations but sooner or later you'll need to comploetely withdraw so she can see what she's missing. You don't have to go completely dark but you don't have to pick up every phone call or return texts that same day.
Originally Posted By: MissingMyFamily
It's hard for me to say stuff like this (BUT) and I am sure you know that (BUT). I don't want to "lead you on." (affair sign) Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead(feeling guilt maybe) (the line from that song is so true) and I "feel like I am hurting you". In fact I know I do. "I was hurt for years but played it off like all was ok" (BINGO! WAW sign) but now "I feel like I am hurting you" and "I hate how it make me feel". "I want you to be "happy again"!!!!!" (lots of !!!! doesn't necessarily make it true) And I want to be "happy again" (pushing ypou away) "I will help you with whatever you need" (uh oh!) and "will always be here for you" no matter what!!!! I hope when we talk we can figure out when we can get this "process started!" and "remain great friends".
ANYONE HAVE ANY THOUHGTS AS WHAT I SHOULD DO? OR IS IT TOO LATE LIKE I BELIEVE IT IS?
Oh god I see the same exact lines and and general message my WAW gave me before I discovered her EA. Ok I got enough to help you! I'll post what you can tell her in return later. For now take a 2 or 3 days to deal with this and read DR.
1.) I understand how you would be worried about a credit score, but really? get over it. September 11th hit and my H and I lost over $500,000 in 1 week while the stock market was closed. We THEN- additionally- lost the house, the car, a job.... and a credit rating. Get over it. You can live without an 800 rating.
2.) Depending on your state, you may or may not get spousal. Only you can answer if you should go for it. You need to check your state. I make more than H, but in the end he won't get much spousal because I pay all the children's monthly sporting costs, school trips, health insurance, etc and have for 10 years. So that is deducted from my monthly income and brings it down to just about his.
3) It also depends on your potential to earn money. My H's income will increase each year, and he can make more money by taking on extra duty- which he does. If you have 50/50 custody, there's usually no child support- just agreements on who and how doctor's bills, insurance, etc would be paid for the kids.
4) I could also have written your W's letter. In fact, I think the last one I wrote H was almost the same exact thing (although I was kicking him out, and not the one leaving). Can you get her back? Sure. Do you want her back? Think on that. It's trickier than it seems. She says she wasn't happy and walled herself off. That's a loss of emotional trust. Which in turn, she perceives, caused you unhappiness. Have you earned back that trust? It doesn't sound like it in her letter. She's telling you basically the same thing I have told my H..... "I can't live with you. I am happier living apart from you. Us being together day after day, changes me for the worse, and I'm not happy". She said she noticed the changes, but still wants to move on-- she doesn't trust the changes or you yet.
5) How would I handle it? Sell the house, split the money. Divide the assets and debts; split the banking accounts (if any), sep. the titles on the cars (if needed). Get on my own insurance, and then keep DBing if I wanted him back still.
6) H and I separated for 3 years, he moved back in. 3 years later, I'm ready to call it quits again and have D papers ready. I spend almost every day wondering why I worked so hard to save my marriage to a person who never changed, and who I don't think any intentions of changing. I keep thinking I wouldn't be miserable now if I had just gotten the D before.
5) How would I handle it? Sell the house, split the money. Divide the assets and debts; split the banking accounts (if any), sep. the titles on the cars (if needed). Get on my own insurance, and then keep DBing if I wanted him back still.
I can see how someone who lost $500,000 wouldn't be concerned of a credit score. I also realize it's small potatoes to the big picture of my marriage. I could care less about all of it (credit, house, cars, money, etc.) I just want my family. But at some point I also have to think what W do if in my shoes? I sure as hell didn't ask for any of this and any judge in their right mind should understand where I'M coming from. I guess it's true do ever really know somebody? One things for sure it will never happen again if things don't work out. This bird will fly solo 4 life!
I also know my W is battling serious depression issues. She doesn't feel good about her self no matter what she does. Many of her co-workers and so called friends have recently D and are unhappy with there own shitty lives. Misery loves company and they are dragging her down. I truly think alot of my W isses started when she meet her father for the very first time in her life 4 years ago. As sad as I am to say it I wish she never would have meet him. He knew he had a daugther and never reached out to her and now all of sudden he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. My W is a awesome person that's why I care so much for her. She was really big into to going to church but now that she has left she has turned her back to GOD. Why is that? I know why she knows in her heart of hearts she is wrong in what she is doing to her family. Was I perfect heck no, but how can someone change themselves when the unhappy person never tells them how unhappy they really are? I do thank her for bring this to my attention cause it has changed me for the better. I'm not sure what it is she is looking for in life cause the best thing for her is right under her nose. I'm not saying I'm the perfect catch but I can assure you one thing no one will give her the love that I have for her. I have saved her life more than once. But I have taken the advice of those here on the board go dark detach, GAL, and be as happy as possible when we interact. If she is too blind to see it her loss and one day she will wake up and say what F was I thinking.
but how can someone change themselves when the unhappy person never tells them how unhappy they really are?
Many times the WAW has tried to tell their S, probably in many different ways on many different occasions. Hints here and there, changes in attitude or behavior... trying to let the S know they are unhappy while at the same time, not trying to upset things, and trying to make themselves happy.
By the time they walk away, they feel they are at the end of their ropes and have no choice, and the spouse is left wondering how it all came out of left field.
She may not think what she is doing is wrong. It may in fact be what is right for her. Wrong or right is a perspective; and a judgement. So is the statement that no one will love her the way you do. From the WAW viewpoint, you aren't loving her the way she needs to be loved- she's unhappy.
Why has she turned her back on God? How do you know she has? Is God only found in church? Maybe she's actually closer to god and doesn't need a church as a go between.
