I've been reading lots of posts before joying the boards. I too and going through the same as most.
I noticed my W making a change in her life about this time last year. Going out with co-workers every weekend. At first it was no big deal by April it really started to tick me off and threw up a red flag. That's when she broke down and stated she had been unhappy for years. Which was a surprise to me, her family, and my family. None of us would have guessed this in a million years we were the perfect family.
Once she stated her feelings I did the common stuff begging, pleeding, etc. of course that just make things worse. In early May I went to the library and fond Michelle's book and was glued to it. I read it front to back and back to front. Good Stuff:) I realized I failed in the little things in our marriage and took my W for granted.
I decided to do the 180 and she noticed the change I thought my actions would rub off. She took notice but things got worse. She couldn't bear to be around me. She went to an extended stay motel for 2 weeks and came back home. After about 6 weeks later she decided to half hearted go to counseling the counslor recommended a separation of a month. At this time my W said D was the last thing on her mind. So I moved into a motel for the month and only seeing my son briefly during that month. Towards the end of the month while I picked up my son she gives me a letter stating she was done with our M and wanted a D.
I'm like what the hell? Where did that come from? D is the last thing on my mind to now I want one. W was finished with C and I moved back in for about a month and she gives me 10 days notice that she has placed a deposit on an apartment and was moving out.
The only problem was my name is the only one on the mortgage and now im months behind. She signed a 6 month lease and only part of her family knows about her move? We still do some family functions together which is living a lie? She seems to be happy living on her own. I plan on her signing another lease as I wonder what to do with the house. UGH!
We get along fine. Neither one of us brings up what's going on with our R. I continue to keep my head up. Some days are better than others it's been 4 months since she has left. I honestly don't believe she is even seeing anyone else either. Sometimes I wish that were the case just to have some closure.
I feel she is battling depression and at the same time going through a MLC. Lucky me ......I also seem to think some of this stems from just meeting her father for the first time 4 years ago.
I pray daily that things will work out for me my son and for my M. I know if she goes through with a D she will regret it for the rest of her life. I wish I could help her but it appears she will have to figure it out on her own. I'm planning on a long journey ahead. The house my credit everything will be destroyed through the process which brings added pressure. At the end of the day if I can regain my family it will be worth it.
I have definatley changed for the better as a person I just hope my W comes to her senses so she can enjoy the best of me too.
WOW I really didn't realize how common this is until now. Anyone have any thoughts of how I should handle things?
Hi MMF, good to see that you've started your own thread.
Similarly, my W began living an autonomous life and it took me about 3 or so months to figure out something wasn't quite right.
Sometimes the first indicators that our WASs are noticing our changes is by way of angry outbursts at us. As bad as that might feel, it is good, because they are noticing.
Of course, detaching helps prevent us from feeling like garbage when the do spew at us. It is up to us to decipher whether their complaints are valid or not. If they could be, then we might want to look at changing those things.
Are you familiar with the LRT?
Also, what GAL activities and 180s are you doing or planning on doing?
As you have probably read and seen, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Well my W dropped bomb #2 on me yesterday. She stated she wanted to come over and talk which made me nervous cause I had a feeling where this was headed. After an hour of small talk she tells me she wants a dissolution ASAP! Of course my heart just sank. She said she noticed all the changes in me and I'm now the person she always wanted me to be but it's too late. I said if you noticed the changes why the rush on the dissolution? She said she just doesn't feel comfortable going out knowing what's she's doing. Basically I take it as she has found someone else and doesn't have the heart to tell me or she wants to see what's out their.
She said she wants us to remain good friends? (Pretty tuff to do at this point) Dissolutions here in my state can take between 30 & 90 days. Does anyone think there is much of a chance or much hope with her not going through with this? Does anyone have any ideas as to what I can do to delay or prevent this or just get her to open up her eyes to see whats right here in front of her?
I have eaten the biggest piece of humble pie a person could ever swallow. (Which may have been needed) I went from having it all a awesome loving family a nice house good credit to losing it all in a matter of months.
The hardest part to swallow is I put so much effort in DB and she never even gave me a chance. She finally brought out the best man in me that I had to offer her and she will never even reep the benefits. Sad Sad day. Do I have a chance?
I did the 180 path 6 months ago to the current time frame. Just being a positive person, gave her compliments, was understanding to how she views things, let the small things in life go.
My GAL is working out, hanging out with friends from time to time, spending time with my son. (one week on one week off) going to church, spending time with family members.
I guess my last resort even though I believe it's too late is quit answering her text unless it involves our son. That's about all I can do now since she no longer stays in the home.
My H walked out on my almost 7 months ago. When he first left, he said it was over and everytime he saw me, it just made him sick. I told him if he wanted the D, then he will have to file and I would not help him at all. He could do all the paperwork himself. When he moved out, I got behind on my house payments and put the house up for sale. It sold within two weeks, which was a blessing.
He treated me worse than he had ever treated me. I found out he was seeing someone. And that was shortly after he walked out.
Around the holidays, he started to hang out with me. I kept my distance from him. I never brought up our relationship. If we talked about it, then it was because he brought it up. I validated his concerns.
And now, we are working on getting back on the right track. He has noticed my changes and said that he likes them. That I am the person that he meet. Unfortuately, he still does not take any responsiblity for his actions. But I can't control that, so I try not to worry about it, too much.
Learn them well-- as they are a life saving guide at times...
good luck, keep posting and here they are:
(I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I did.)
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. _________________________
Those are all good points which I ive read before but how do you apply them when they have told you they are done and want a dissolution? A dissolution is an express lane D I have limited time at this point.
During the separation I have been her friend and she stated she still wants that out of me. Not that I don't want to be her friend too at some point I just can't do it right now. But I don't want to appear like an azz either. Should I go gray and not respond to any text messages W sends unless it about our son? That would be a 180 for me right now. But I really think it's too damm late. What would others do if they were in my shoes?
Of course, detaching helps prevent us from feeling like garbage when the do spew at us.
KD is spot on here!! Detach now and you will fell MUCH better. Not perfect, but hey, its all an LBS has to counter the nasty comments and actions. Oh yeah, GAL!
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
I'm a newbie too - I would go darker than grey right now. Let her go and do not answer any texts unless it is very important.
I don't think she is feeling the ramifications (sp) of her choices yet.
Even with limited time say 60 days or so? Is that enough time for someone to have a change of heart? Cause I just can't see it being from my W right now. But of course I've never just shut her down yet either. I doubt she will really care either:(
