I wondering about "piecing". Are we piecing if we are finding answers to our issues as my W climbs out of her breakdown. Or is it really just her piecing herself back together while I am beside her offering my support. If she has not said to me that she is specifically trying to repair our M but instead I see her working on putting herself back together and in the meantime we seem to be better off, is that really piecing? Maybe it doesn't matter that this has a name or not.
And I'm thinking about detaching. That seemed so much easier to do when things were so bad because we didn't have any answers yet. It was easier to detach because she was totally gone from my life.
Now that that phase is over and she is in a healing phase I find it harder to detach and that is making me want to back off more. For example we do a lot together and it is enjoyable in many ways limited by where she's at but nice nonetheless and offers some hope for a R.
Because of our gains I have more hope but at the same time need to detach more to not live on her rollercoaster. So as we get closer I need tp detach more for my own good but to keep things olgoing well with her I need to "act" more while I remain more detached. In a way I feel like I'm living in a hall of mirrors where everything is backwards.
To feel good I need to detach. To keep our mojo going I need to keep going along with our nice times together but keep acting.
I'm getting really really tired. Sometimes I feel like I will see this through to the end and at the moment I know we R I will drop dead from exhaustion.
I don't know what it is but I'm getting detached without trying. Almost like watching her and I in a movie and I'm just a guy in the audience.
Maybe I not explaining this well. I love her but and getting strangely disconnected to the outcome. And I'm thinking I have been on my own for so long now that its no longer as threatening as it once was. I miss being with someone I don't have to DB with. I guess I should glad for the opportunity for a new M with her but I'm sooooooo tired!
Rick - I have no idea if you are in the piecing stage yet. Maybe you aren't there yet but are perhaps headed in that direction. I think you should continue your GAL and detach some. Better to keep her interested and you fresh then to grow complacent and possibly fall back into old habits.
I'll leave the diagnosis of where you are for the vets to assess and comment on.
Keep on going, Rick!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
My W is really a wreck emotionally and psychologically. Shes sees the stakes here for herself, for our M and for our family and it adds to the stress for her. Every now and again she hits this wall and completely loses it. She really is a lost soul right now. She will make breakthroughs, take some time to look them over and try to move forward. It seems like each stage of this she gets through she falls apart at the beginning of the next level.
All I can do is keep keeping the road home open for her, which I am, so that she can at least walk around on it while she goes through this.
I'm being told by people who have knowledge of theses types of crisises that she may not truly start on the path to healing until she hits rock bottom. Sometimes she look to be making gains, and then other times seems to be unraveling.
Another curve ball in the mix is her MIL who lives with us is going through something of her own, and there are many lifelong issues between the both of them. She wants to move out so I think I will have to rent the in-law apt out and give her the rent money for her to live. It's just another issue adding to my W's troubles in her crisis, and one more thing I'm tackling.
Its funny how life can take suprising turns. In the last year and a half:
- my Dad has a near death experience while in a routine outpatient operation. Because the post NDE physical therapy requirements were so hard on him, and my stepmother has cancer at the same time, I start planning my business trips to DC around taking care of them on weekends (they lived there). - because I'm the closest to them in distance and its 500 miles away they decide to move to Chicago to be near my stepmom's family. That's great for them but it was very tough for my family because that meant they moved from the house we spent our entire lives at. Because of some real estate deals that busted in the downturn I could not buy their house and keep it in the family. It was all a big adjustment. - my oldest son had open heart surgury (successful!), my next oldest son crushes his hand under a steel I beam, and I tear my rotator cuff (surgery) in a tubing accident. - my wife has a breakdown,my M gets threatened by it and this thing with my MIL.
I'm just saying that its odd how sometimes things get weirdly tough and just seem to snowball.
I'm still trying to figure out a sane means of detachment. On one hand we are together and it seems to help her in terms of it being something she enjoys, helps her balance her out, and so forth. On the other hand she is all over the place emotionally and pyshcologically. Without detachment it keep me on the same roller coaster as her, but I keep close by to help where I can.
I don't want to be selfish and detach so that I can't help her but I'm really not sure what is the best for her, or for me.
Again, I keep the road open for her and she knows it, but I'm wondering if I just need to really let her sink or fall on her own. I think what I mean is to detach myself from this without detaching from her practically. I'll keep the house going, the finances going, the kids on track, etc. but maybe it's smart to divest myself emotionally to the outcome?
You should see her today. She's laughing, then crying in the same sentence, hysterical then calm. And I'm tryin to be supportive and listen to what she means when she's talking. I'm not mad at her or think anything bad about the poor girl through this but I just don't know how to find some means of keeping myself together through this.
BTW Its not a matter of GAL. I have a lot going on... the yoga...reading...the kids....my friends....the book deal. I've got a lot of good and a lot of really tough things hitting on all cylinders at once. I need to protect my heart though.
I also have a lot going on and no problem Galing and keeping myself busy. For me sometimes the opposite has helped when I'm down and that's doing very little. Bumming around the house and not feeling bad about it.
Prior to my h crisis I needed to accomplish something every day now the only thing on my To Do list is take care or myself and my girls. Go easy on myself be gentle.
The other night before my talk we my husband we ordered in dinner. Generally I am obsessed with making dinner for my girls so that they eat healthy but sometimes taking care of us means no cooking and no dishes.
Just brainstorming but try doing less and loving it.
I know your wife has an ic but is she on meds. Sounds like she needs to be on something and if she is on something they need to change it up.
Since she is in ic hopefully she will not have to hit rock bottom. A good IC should be able to help her out of this without hitting bottom. Is this the best C for your W? Maybe someone new/more experience with MLB would help.
I can relate to the complexity of detaching yet wanting to be present enough for them to come back. It's impossible to balance both perfectly. Just do the best you can.
Hang in there
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
My W is on anti-anxiety medication. She really likes the psychiatrist she is seeing and as far as I can tell he is helping her. I have to take a lot of that on faith because her treatment is confidential and my W wants to keep that part of her to herself, i.e. I am not directly involved in her program there other than what she shares with me (which seems to be a lot)
As for me, I like your advise about maybe keeping it simple for a while. I have always been a planner and doer in that I make these agendas for things I want to do, the kind of person I want to be, and then follow it. I've really never taken a break from the achievement/make it happen path. But I do tend to burn myself out, and this thing does have me on the ropes at the moment. I do however, have a lot of responsibility so in my downtime I'm finding I need to be alone and quiet...read a good book....or have been watching a lot of movies with the boys lately.
When I go on dates w/ my W they are always fun and I think it helps the cause but I am finding I am tired by the entire issue and the ups and downs of her struggle. I'm not judging it, its just very tiring.
My good friend Kelli (another LBS) and partner in my book deal called me from Malaysia yesterday and seems to have taken her need to find some peace from her DB'ing on the home front, by disappearing into the jungle. She asked me if I want to join her to kill two birds with one stone...work on the book....get me some R&R. It's easier for her to do this because she doesn't have kids. When she asked I thought back to your recent ski trip and how you felt. I feel the same way. I'm cool with my GAL. In fact I dont have to GAL, I alrready have a good one. I can detach in the environment best for me...home with the boys. That's what works.
I may go see that new Clooney movie tonight...The Descendants. Watched 50/50 movie with the boys and their girlfriends last night. Very good. You might like it.
Do you know how to post a video to a post here? If anyone can tell me pls do. I want to send you a hilarious talking dog video you might want to share with your daughters. It's so funny!
Thanks 2. I'm doing pretty well...just have a lot on my mind and heart as I expressed in the posts. Hanging with my youngest son today (he's grown a foot and a half in one year)...always a great time!
Again, I keep the road open for her and she knows it, but I'm wondering if I just need to really let her sink or fall on her own. I think what I mean is to detach myself from this without detaching from her practically. I'll keep the house going, the finances going, the kids on track, etc. but maybe it's smart to divest myself emotionally to the outcome?
The balancing is quite difficult but I think you are doing a great job. If you have it in you to detach emotionally as much as possbile and still be there as much as possible in my opionion I think that would be the best thing for you.
