It's Over Now

[fireman]

I've never posted on here. I'm a new member. I cheated on my wife and she found out. She almost immediately had an old attorney friend file for divorce. For the last month she has been leading me to believe that we were going to work on things (she told me later that she filed but said we would try to work things out). Two days ago, when I got home from work, I was served with divorce papers. I have been scrambling ever since to get an attorney and get things straight. I have to go to court tomorrow for the temporary custody hearing for our 2 year old son and to sort out child support. There were reasons for what I did, although no reason is ever good enough to cheat. She said that even though we were starting this, we could go to counseling. I had it in my mind that things had a chance, even though small, of working out. She told me tonight that he has no intentions of making it work though. Here is why I am posting this: I made enough money last year to warrant maximum child support in the state of Texas ($1,500 per month). My wife told me that she has no intentions of cleaning me out. I am 36 and she is 27. I have an ex wife, and when my ex and I split up I took care of her for a long time. My wife was there to see that because we had just started dating at the time and so she told her lawyer that she will decide how much I am to pay, because she knows that I am going to take care of things. I asked her how much she thinks she needs and she said $500 per month. My wife only makes about 23 grand a year. I told her that was nowhere near enough. My point is this, I guess: Even though I destroyed her, broke up our family and ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, she still is looking out for my interests as much as her own and my son's. Even though she will never be my wife again, she will always be the best person I've ever known. I hate that I did this to her. I hate that I did this to my son and to me. I'll never forgive me for it. But at the very least I know that my son will have parents that can be ok with each other even though we are divorced. What a hard life I have created.

[Rick1963]

Sorry you find yourself here fireman. All is not lost. You need to get DR book ASAP and read it. I will also advice you to post in newcomers forum. It has more traffic. Did you break up with OW?

[~ kd ~]

Hi fireman, I agree with rick. Get the DR book and read it. Also, keep posting. Once you have enough clean posts under your belt, you will be off moderation and your posts will appear immediately.

Journal, vent, ask for support and ask questions. We are all just as interested in you, to see your M succeed.

Do understand that once the D is in motion, it will keep moving until your W stops it. It is not over until it is over, and you can slow the process down a bit by ensuring due diligence, which means that anything handed to you should not be responded to until the last minute, so that you haven't missed anything that may be important.

You would not slow things down to manipulate your W nor as a tactic to win her back. But due diligence will spread things out longer and perhaps your W only filed out of revenge and may change her mind. Which means that RIGHT NOW, you begin to work on yourself and become a better man that your W might trust again and might work with to rebuild the M.

[fireman]

Thanks to both of you. I admit I don't know the lingo and abbreviations here yet. We went to the temporary custody hearing today. It was a tough time for both of us, but she was ok when it was over and I guess in a way I was too. I am not ready to accept that it's over, but I know it is. She wants it to be and says that her heart is completely out of it now, and even if we went to counseling she is not going for the sake of working things out. She said she would go only to work out problems that we may have that would keep us from being decent to each other for the sake of our son. I'm not sure why no matter how good my life gets, I find reasons to screw it up. I had it all. I really did. And moving on is something that obviously millions of people do, but I never thought I would be here, and it's intensely difficult. I wish she would have taken this slowly and just stayed separated for a while and see what could have happened.

[~ kd ~]

In the newbies section, there is a sticky about abbreviations. It's probably easier for you to read through that list than for us to try to hit them all here, in this thread.

Please try to understand that your W is hurting right now and probably wishes that her world hadn't just got flipped upside down. She will likely be very firm and committed to the idea that "it is over" for some time to come.

Eventually, both parties will start to think about the "what ifs" and whether it might be a good idea to at least discuss second chances and work on the M. She will get there. Hopefully she will give you a second chance...

But in the mean time, if you believe it is over, than make it over. But if you have even a smidgen of hope, then it's time to buckle up and get to work...

on yourself...

on PROVING you can be trusted, by being completely transparent about your life to your W.

And working on yourself to be a much better man and husband...

She will likely have moments of extreme anger at you. Understand that she needs to get this out of her system. DO NOT defend yourself. Affirm her feelings are valid and understandable.

Do get the Divorce Remedy book and read it. All the information is in the book that can help you work through this and hopefully you can rebuild your M.

We will always be here on this board to help you through this process, but the book really spells it out in detail, how you can possibly turn this around.

[KarenR]

Have you spoken to a DB coach yet? You will have a new way of how to interact with your spouse as soon as you hang up from first call. Reading Michele's books and getting support on the boards are wonderful, but to get immediate results, please call to get more info about talking to a coach today!

[luvless]

I don't know fireman you just don't seem remorseful to me. Maybe it is just me but I'm thinking Mrs. fireman probably thinks the same...she doesn't see true remorse.

[too trusting]

I don't think it's a question of "enough remorse". the question is - what is fireman doing about the situation *now* to *fix* it.

fireman, get the "Divorce Remedy" book and read it through. it should be available at bookstores or your public library. also, if you can take some sessions with a "Divorcebusting" coach that is also highly recommended.

do *not* feel that "all is lost". sometimes couples can get back together even at the 11th hr. but you need to know the right way to do it! if you want your wife back, you must become the man that only a fool would leave!

there are some good ideas in Kaffe Diem's post. also read the DR book and talk to a coach, and see how it can change your life!

[fireman]

Again, thanks to all of you. Today I talked to her on the phone about finances and what we need to do, and I have told her that I am moving on and that I agree with this divorce. Well, she told me today that she is scared. I told her "None of this has to happen. We are dividing everything, our money, our lives, our family. It doesn't have to happen. We never even tried to work on things. We never tried, not once." She told me she has been thinking the same thing. I don't want a false sense of hope. I can't go through all that again. But I will, in a heartbeat if I think that there is a chance of any hope.

[Oneeleven]

So did you tell her you agreed to the divorce and that you were moving on to manipulate her?

You don't want to go through all this again? What about her?