At the beginning of last month I discovered that my W had cheated on me with another man one time. :-( Apparently she had lied to the OM and told him she was separated from me. When the OM found out he told her off and ceased communicating. My W said she had been so unhappy with me and felt lonely for the last few years and that she had given up on our relationship. Of course this came as a complete and total shock to me as I thought we were getting along better. I guess she had just lost interest in fighting back and had moved on.
Since I found out, she has been back and forth between our house and her sister's probably about 4-5 times in a month and a half. She has told me repeatedly that she wanted to separate for a period to figure her 'stuff' out and work on herself. The majority of the time this sentiment was also followed by stating that she didn't want to be with me anymore and that she didn't want to put any effort into the marriage. I tried really hard to get her to stay but just found that it made things even more uncomfortable. She made it very clear both in her actions and verbally that she no longer had feelings for me or wanted to be my wife. She wanted to be on her own (which she has never done in her life) and to know that she can make it without depending on me.
Repeated arguments like this culminated in me getting frustrated and filing for divorce online. At this point she seemed to get very worried and asked if I had really done that. I had and did feel that I just wanted out of this mess. I felt horrible after I did it though and nothing had changed. The next day I just avoided her and tried to be normal without bringing up our relationship.
That evening she asked me what we were going to do with our lives. I asked her what she wanted and she told me again that she wanted to be separate and to have some space to herself. I didn't see any other option at that point and just kind of went with it. I agreed to a time period and some basic rules. It was actually the first positive discussion we have had in over a month about what to do. We agreed to start on the 22nd and to go to about the end of February.
Since we agreed to this things seem to have really gotten better. The day she left I told her I was totally in love with her and she said the same thing back to me. She kissed and hugged me like crazy before I told her to leave (basically before I totally broke down and cried).
It's only been two days and I am completely freaking out. She came over last night to take care of our dogs (per a planned schedule) and I caught her leaving. She said she really wanted to try to not see me but still hugged and kissed me. I told her I missed her already and she said the same thing.
There is of course so much more that has transpired it is hard to sum it all up for you guys. I guess what I am thinking is that she does very much still love me but I don't know why she wants or needs to be separate. I really want to call her, but I know from experience if I do it will just piss her off and I don't want to ruin the good vibe we have going.
I have read most of Divorce Remedy and poked around on the message boards to have an idea of what I should be doing.
I've identified issues in myself that need work and tried to take action. Specifically I am trying to lose weight and be more physically active (about half way through couch to 5k program). I also have identified that in our relationship I really took her for granted and ignored her as my best friend for a long time now.
Some of the 180's I've been doing is to start jogging and lose weight. I have been pretty successful so far in this and feel much better physically. Other 180's that I'd like to do is to really concentrate on allowing her freedom to guide our relationship where she wants it to go instead of controlling the situation all the time. Of course I am having a hard time with this as she wants to be separated and I can't really talk to her about what our future looks like without making the current problems worse.
I'm worried that she is going to change her mind and not come back, although she told me she was 99.99% sure she was going to. It's quite paradoxical actually... She gave up on our relationship because she never got attention from me. Now she wants me to give her space and less attention. I'm totally confused as to how to handle this and really wanting her back bad. It even surprises me how much I love her.
_________________________ Me:35 W:34 No Kids Together: 16 years, M: 8 years Bomb: 12/5/2011 Separated 01/22/2012
