Confused... Need a little Guidance

[DBinSF]

Hi all,

I'm a first time poster. My fiancee and I split about 9 months ago after a tumultuous 4 year relationship. She's a typical WAW, even though we weren't married. The Sitch is that she was pressuring really hard for marriage, and I was wavering, even after we were engaged. I started looking around and wanting out of all the pressure, and she eventually pulled the plug given that we weren't going anywhere.

I begged and pleaded for about 6 months before pulling a 180 and going completely dark for 2 months. After two months, she called me out of the blue, missing me, not wanting to settle for someone else she didn't feel passion for (she rebounded with an OM almost immediately, but obviously started to grow tired of him).

When she called a few weeks ago, and I was taken totally by surprise. She said she wanted to see me, and I agreed. Of course she called back 10 minutes later and cancelled. We then had a few back and forths, spoke for 10 minutes, during which she told me how much she missed me, and now it's been two weeks. I sent her a message on Saturday night saying that I was touched by her reaching out and missed her terribly too. I really opened up and said how I think we both have changed over the last nine months, etc. etc.

We then spoke today at length during which she said she apprecaited hearing all the things I said, but she feels better now that she knows I'm "still there." I feel totally used, like she just wanted to know she still had me, and now that she knows she does, she can go on her merry way, while I'm totally spun out by this whole thing.

I feel fed up and I want to tell her never to contact me again. Maybe I'm being emotional and I need to just chill and go dark again. I just can't stand it that I blew my one chance to open up a dialogue. I just went right back to being all over her and ran her off again.

Any advice on next steps?

Thanks,
DBinSF

[dbmod]

^

[~ kd ~]

It is tough DiS, because being engaged (or simply dating) there is much less obligation. If you two have been living together for six months (in some jurisdictions) or so though, you may fall under common law M and most courts view this the same as having a M certificate so there would be legal obligations if you go your separate ways.

Is this possible? Is you and your fiancé aware of this possibility? If this is possible, your GF may need to rethink how "easy" it is for her to just walk. Not that you use that as some way to control her and manipulate her to coming back to you. Just a bit of a reality check.

Your GF canceled getting together which is probably because she thought she might be a wreck seeing you again. Absence can make the heart grow fonder, and in short relationships, it can also make moving on easier because there's less cumulative memories to "forget".

While it's understandable that you love your GF and do want to be M to her, why? What makes her "the one"? How old are you? I ask because some people panic as they get older that they simply won't meet that special someone to M and create a future with.

What might some of your GF's complaints about you be?

[LITB]

DBinSF,

What would you like to see happen?

I'd guess you want her in your life, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

What did you do with the great advice you received on your original thread from July?

Did you use the time your fiancee gave you wisely?

You mentioned in your original thread that you have the DB/DR books. Have you read them in their entirety?

Sorry for all of the questions. Just looking for more information on how YOU want to move forward, so we are better equipped to help you.

Peace

[DBinSF]

Hi all,

Thanks for getting back. I actually never saw any of the replies from July until now! A few days went by and my post hadn't posted, so I figured I wasn't let in the community or something... Nice to see all that feedback. Many, many thanks!

So, what ended up bringing her back into my life to SOME degree is that I did a 180, went dark for three months and Got a Life. I look better, feel better, and give off better energy than I have in years. I'm writing and performing music again (although she has no idea). I've been in Alanon for 8 months, and I'm working the steps with a sponsor. I have a serenity about me now that I never had before.

She called me out of the blue 3 weeks ago wanting to talk. Unfortunately, I agreed right off the bat rather than taking a little time to get back to her. I was too easy a catch, I think. I was caught entirely off guard and said I'd meet her that day. She texted back 10 minutes later and canceled. Typical. I followed up and called her and she told me how she was in pain, how much she missed me and that she was thinking about me all the time. She said how she never felt for anyone like she did for me, and how she didn't want to "settle" for some nice guy that wouldn't hurt her, but for whom she didn't feel any passion.

I followed up with a soft, easy "I'm here to support you if you need support" message, but tried not to be clinging. She said a few days later she didn't know where this could go and that she didn't really know what to say. I week after, I sent her a heart felt message that I heard where she was, and that I was meeting her in that place -- that i missed her so much and didn't want to settle for anyone else, and that it seemed silly we were both missing each other and not taking the risk to just say "hey, I want you back in my life."

I think she viewed this as "clinging" because she called me the next day and said rather curtly that there was NO WAY we were getting back together and that it was best if we just faded away and played nice when we saw each other this winter (we go to the same ski resort in Tahoe).

I responded saying it was silly not to at least meet up and have a tea, since we never did all that well on the phone or email, and she responded with her typical emotional "why would I meet with you? You never loved me, you are walking contradiction and a liar, and meeting with you is the silliest and scariest thing in the world to me."

That was three days ago and I have not yet responded. My Alanon sponsor believes it's best if I just cut her off -- that I should realize that she is engaging in abusive behavior by knocking on my door and then slamming it in my face. I've drafted an email to that effect (I miss you and wish you could see I've grown and changed, but since you haven't I have to ask you to leave me alone). But I wanted to check in with the community here and see what you all think. I don't want to choose a manipulative course of action SOLELY to get a certain response from her, but I also don't want to push her away even further by cutting her off. Part of me wonders if "rejecting the rejector" might work in this case. If I might actually gain some respect by saying, "Look I've done my work and I got my [censored] together. If you want some of this, come get it, but if you don't stop playing games and leave me alone."

Yes, I'd like to have her back in my life. It's obvious she's still hurt, angry, resentful and distrustful. But at this point, I totally have my [censored] together and I'm attracting amazing women to my life right now, just not her.

- DBinSF

-----------------------------
M-36
W-30
T-4
S-1
Bomb: April '11
W moved April '11

[DBinSF]

I was thinking of sending her this note:

M -

Your text the other day was a sad reminder that you still harbor a lot of anger and resentment towards me, and I realize that there's no hope in having a fruitful conversation as long as you are still in that space. You're allowed to feel however you feel, but I am powerless over how you feel at this point. I have apologized, and I have done the work to correct my defects of character. Frankly, I've come to a pretty amazing place -- an inner peace and sense of deep gratitude I never though possible. If you have the ability to look past the past and find out for yourself who I am today, that is wonderful. But I have no interest in convincing you of that fact. That's something you need to come to on your own.

I want to be angry with you for popping back into my life only to slam the door in my face again, but at the end of the day, all I feel for you is love and compassion. I can tell by your hurtful behavior towards me that you are still hurting inside. I know that for me, the more I steep in my own resentment and victimhood, the less I heal and grow. What makes me sad is that I feel like your insistence on holding on to this resentment keeps US from being US again. I still go for trail runs and spend my days doing great things, and I'm willing to share some of that with you, but first it's your turn to do the work on your end to let go of what WAS and start accepting what IS today.

I have come to accept and love you for who you are, Miriam. I accept your faults, your fears, your past, and your own transgressions against me. I love your talents, your quirks, your shyness and your shine. If you can come to respect the work I've done and accept me for who I am today (which is not the same as pretending the hurtful things of the past never happened), I think we can have a mutually respectful friendship, and potentially more. But as long as you continue to abuse me with guilt and shame, define me by my past mistakes, and knock on my proverbial door to see if I'm "still there" only to slam it in my face as soon as I open up, I prefer not to have any contact with you at all. It's really hard to say that, but these resentful exchanges do not serve either of us. I hope you can respect that boundary.

Warmly,
E

[~ kd ~]

wow! On both sides of the spectrum...

OK that is great that you have gone through AA and appear to really be getting your mojo back.

I am sorry, but your xGF's reactions... wow... no really, I agree with your sponsor. I'm sorry and I don't generally go there, but that threw up a huge number of flags for me.

As you are probably getting through is your addictive behaviours. Have you been to a therapist? What is the possibility that you have co-dependent tendencies?

If you really do want to get back with your xGF, my opinion would be to take things REAL slow and keep your eyes WIDE open...

I have a very strong suspicion that your xGF may do a LOT of elastic band and cling run behaviour. Please be careful.

If you feel you need to sent that letter, that is entirely up to you. I would suggest send it and forget about it.

Do keep us posted on things as they happen. We are of course always here to support you through this.

[DBinSF]

Thanks for this. Yes, our relationship was very codependent. I am in recovery for relationship addiction stuff (Al-Anon, not AA), but she is still an unrecovered codependent (that's my analysis of her -- not her own). She has major attachment/abandonment issues. She actually sees complete enmeshment as her "definition" of what showing up in a relationship is. I was so hooked on getting her back there for a while, that my sponsor and I defined my "sobriety date" as the last time I sent her an unsolicited message.

At this point, I may just ignore her and go dark again. Any message I send her, setting a boundary or not, will only continue the back and forth. The good news is that in the time we've been apart, I have completely gotten my life together. I have never attracted so many good, smart, SANE people to my life. I look good and give off great energy, and I'm getting compliments for it. If I do run into her somewhere, she will barely recognize me, I look and feel that good.

I'm getting to the point of realizing that I do want aspects of our relationship back, but it was not all my fault, no matter what her internal dialogue and sense of victimhood tells her. She hasn't done the work on herself yet to be a whole person outside a relationship, and I just don't think I can take all her blame and guilt anymore until she actually begins to understand we are each responsible for OUR OWN happiness.

Anyway, any other feedback or advice from the community will much appreciated. It's a hard time, as you all know. I have great respect and compassion for those folks whose sitch is much more complicated than my own.

Regards,
DBing in SF

[~ kd ~]

Sorry on saying AA, I often get them confused and use them interchangeably.

The description of your sitch struck very close to home, which is why I am... paranoid FOR you...

I really do believe that going dark might be a great thing for you to do. Take care of yourself. If your xGF balances out and can come back to you in a loving, calm, and authentic way... that would be fantastic!

Keep working on yourself and be well!