I'm so grateful for all the support I have received so far! It helps to know that I'm not truly "alone" and that my sitch is not that much out of the ordinary. Your help has been tremendous so far!
The day after Thanksgiving H drops bomb, says he's "done". Continuous blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in our R begins, apparently so much that it "pushed him away". I accept that I wasn't the best wife and still try to fully understand where H is coming from. H was angry and hostile with me, spent 3 nights in a hotel before XMas, and still says that "we're not good for each other, we don't know each other anymore, etc." H used to tell me he never wanted a D, that I was the only one, etc, so the bomb was a shocker. I had suspicion about EA. My gut was right. OW is a 21yr old co-worker. I don't know the full extent of A, but I know they kissed and probably started to fantasize about a future together. H still lives at home, though is thinking about moving out and is working on a budget.
Remember, believe half of what you hear and none of what you see! So many of us have heard this same thing from our spouses. This is standard fare for early bombing sitches. Time will help, a lot!
H has been away on business since Friday morning and is supposed to come back tonight. My sister is visiting until Thursday, and it's been nice having family support. My sister knows about my sitch and it felt really good to vent and voice my frustration about H.
S4, sister and I went to a Disney on Ice show on Saturday and S4 really liked it. H texted to ask what time the show was and he said he was "just curious". H called quickly Sat morning to say hi to S4 and said that he wouldn't be able to call later as he'd be out visiting family as well. H didn't call yesterday either. He can't find 2 minutes to call and say hi to his son, but he CAN be on facebook half the day (he told me via facebook that he won't be able to call). Nice!
Yesterday was uneventful. Sister's friend was vising her from out of state, so she was out half the. We wanted to have a girls night out and MIL was to watch S4. Sister got back later than planned and I was too tired and not really in the mood. We thought about driving down to Boston, but I didn't want to anymore. I felt really down and was fighting tears. Since MIL was there already, I thought we should at least get some food even though I was not really hungry. We ended up going to a local bar and had some beers and apps. We ended up having a good time and it felt nice to spend quality time with my sister, especially since I don't know when I'll see her again.
I've been doing some reading on divorce law and such in my state. The cost of divorce scares me, but unless both parties agree on everything, getting a lawyer is probably inevitable and better for my interest. Right now, H wants 50/50 custody and according to his current budget, he thinks all he'll have to pay is half of the daycare cost. Ha! He's in for a shock! I have been giving more thought about life without H. It hurts like hell, but I know it's possible. Thinking about what to do with sentimental items, photos of us together, etc.
I've also been obsessing with OW more than I should. The other day, facebook suggested her as a friend. I think I gagged. I've also been checking the phone usage like crazy. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. Even though there was nothing on the phone bill, I know that they communicate via facebook. Ugh!
H is supposed to come home late tonight. I don't know what to expect. Maybe he had some time to think about how to get away from S4 and I, how he felt comfortable being away and didn't have a need to call.
While I'm still in my low, I do find it helpful to come back to this forum. I seem to have many derailing thoughts lately. It helps me "get back on track". Back to acting tonight, huh?
Thanks, Rick! Up until recently I actually was ready to take full responsibility for letting things get to this point. I started to see my short-comings and never denied a thing. I was almost ready to see why H would be hurt, etc. But after learning about OW, I no longer feel the same. I still admit that things could have been done much differently, but in no way was it all "my fault". I know now that H is trying to validate his actions through accusations. He is living a lie, claims to be the "victim", and does not want to take responsibility. It used to hurt me when he accused me, but it no longer does. I no longer believe anything he says. I think the hard part for me will be to remind myself to bite my tongue and listen and validate his feelings.
So while H does not take the time to talk to S4 or me, he did send a text saying that his connecting flight is delayed.
An interesting observation: I just started reading my horoscope again. It's bizarre how the daily horoscope was completely applicable to me. Here's what today says:
"The connection you've got cookin' with someone else is getting more complicated right now, and today you might want to step back and look at things from an outsider's perspective. Don't get nervous that the potential you see isn't really there. It is. But you have to be ready to accept that this person has a few opportunistic tendencies and other negative qualities that could become an issue later. No one is perfect, including them -- and you need to realize that."
Hmmm, since I don't think I'm "cooking" connections with anyone right now, I think the above might apply to H. I know I shouldn't think too much of this stuff, but it's weird how true this stuff was in my sitch, especially for the past week.
Ha! That horoscope is great. nhmom, I *obsessed* about OM. Once I got to a decent place of peace with what I knew, I discovered another prior OM and went through it all again. It hurts really badly and there is really no shortcut to putting it on and wearing it around for as long as it takes to make peace with it.
If you get to a place where H does want to save the marriage, you will insist on "No Contact" now and forever with OW. That may include requiring a job change if that's what it will take to feel good again. As long as OW is in the picture, you cannot find peace, and there is nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, you're not in the place to demand that right now, you can't really address it with H until he recommits to the M.
I do think it's useful to know if OW is still involved. If OW is in the picture, all you can do is tread water and not make your situation worse by pushing H farther away. Only when OW is gone can you start to close the gap. I haven't read any cases on this forum at all where LBS was able to force/cajole/entice WAS away from OM/OW. You just very unfortunately need to wait that out and hope they will come to their senses. In the meantime, you work on yourself. That way, no matter what happens you're in the best place you can be to find happiness.
Now WRT whose "fault" your relationship problems were, you already knew they weren't all yours. When we get left behind, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, and we try to explain that inadequacy by blaming ourselves for too much.
However, *some* of the relationship problems were yours, and it's important not to sweep that under the rug because H's behavior is and/or was so much worse. If you both had read "The 5 Love Languages" and made it a point to make each other feel loved and keep the love tanks full, that would be a *very* effective infidelity blocker.
Unfortunately, like 65%+ of married people in this country, you were not making each other feel loved -- other things got in the way. Those could have been mutual resentments, different expectations of marriage, miscommunication, there is a list of things that can go wrong as long as your arm. To make it go right requires knowledge and effort. Once you have knowledge and effort, you have a plan for success and that is empowering.
I wish I had something to tell you about OW. If you have a friend who's keeping you in the loop as to what's going on, that may help your peace of mind because you'll understand why H is acting the way he is. On the other hand, you may choose to ignore both OW and H's silliness and focus on yourself. That is the path of detaching, and what most veteran DB'ers will recommend in your situation. You may want to read up on detaching.
I wish it were easy, and I wish I had a quick fix for you hear nhmom, you have my support, I really hope you get the outcome you want.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Hang in there. Its really hard not to obssess about OW. Even when everything is over and done. I am already in piecing but ZI still struggle with trying not to look at xOW's FB myself!
It really helps though not to.
So your H is still at home. Has he decided that he wants to leave or file a D yet? Or does he still seem udecided about that? My H used to keep on telling me that we were done and wantd to separate, but I told him he had to do it himeslf, and if he wanted, I preferred an outright D rather than separation where he could have his cake and eat it too.
In the end, once the EA blew over, things started to get better, and now we are in piecing.
I do believe that, especially when there are kids, the WAW doesn't really want to seem to be the bad guy.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
