Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY

[tenbusrider]

Hello all, new to the forum.

I first heard about DB a few months ago when my wife first expressed a desire to end our relationship. My B died shortly thereafter, and I did not come back or order/read the book because our M seemed to strengthen a little bit while dealing with the grief, but it inevitably went downhill again.

A little backstory (apologies if it becomes a wall of text):

W and I have been together for just over 10.5 years, married for almost 6. We have a 2YO S that we both love very dearly.

In mid-late '07, W started having an EA with a coworker. Without going into details, I noticed the signs and did not react well. We barely saw each other because of our work schedules, which led me to install a webcam that I could use from work. Creepy, I know. It's one of my greatest regrets.

When that cleared up, our relationship seemed to rebound significantly, and we began trying to get pregnant.

A few months after the pregnancy, W needed surgery to have her gall bladder removed. At around the same time, she started having serious drama with her mother. Her mood became erratic, and I first thought she was experiencing some kind of delayed post-partum depression, but then she began losing weight rapidly, was always hot even if I was cold, hands were trembling, extremely stiff in her joints. This was punctuated by fights that on two occasions became physical (in one, she attacked me, I responded with a single open-handed slap, the other was her throwing and breaking things, which led to me restraining her on the bed).

These problems were eventually diagnosed as hyperthyroidism caused by graves' disease. The situation seemed to improve a good bit once she began treatment about 18 months ago.

Some of the most commonly referenced psychological problems in hyperthyroid patients is wild mood swings, constant irritability, emotional lability, and most significantly, emotional distancing from spouse. It's been shown time and again that they will blame the spouse for all of their problems. Unfortunately, treatment with pills does not correct this for everyone.

Current situation/recent events:

I was growing very frustrated with her distancing from me, despite all my attempts to reconnect. I was doing most of the chores around the house (never cooked, though, she's way better at it than I am), but she spent most of her time on laptop or tablet and was hard to talk to.

Our finances got really tight back in Nov., and I decided to skip paying our internet bill so we wouldn't be in a worse spot. I told her that that was what needed to be done, but she paid the bill anyway. This came back to bite me by making me seriously overdrawn in the bank.

The "flashpoint" was the night it got turned back on (it had been disconnected due to non-payment). I went to bed, and after about half an hour, she did not come up (we typically went to bed at the same time). I went and disconnected the modem from the router. We wound up having a huge argument, she told me she was leaving, that the marriage was over, nothing could be done, etc. She would stay until the holidays had passed to soften the blow on my family.

A week goes by, and I make small attempts to smooth things over. This resulted in another fight, and she began demanding D. I managed to talk her down to trial separation, we agreed on a few written points (custody, finances, potential time-frame for reconciliation if any) and she moved out after Thanksgiving, instead of drawing it out all the way through the holidays.

The day she left, I made a horrible emotional scene, crying, begging her to remember that I loved her and that she could always come home. It was not one of my prouder moments, and it seemed to make her really mad at me.

Of course, this was a miserable holiday season for me. I got to see my son on a regular basis, he would stay a couple of nights at a time every few days (a product of my strange work schedule, not any malevolence on her part), but I was largely listless. I spent more time with my parents when I didn't have my son, started hanging out with friends more when I could, started seeing a psychologist and taking anti-depressants, enrolled in tai chi... a lot of GAL stuff.

The brief meetings I had with WAW were only to exchange our S and during this time were strictly business, she always seemed mad to be around me, had an accusatory and condescending attitude about almost everything that came up, and avoided eye contact. The first meeting, almost a week after she left was extremely short, and when I told her I missed her, the response was "I'm not doing this anymore".

I first heard about the 180 approach not long after this encounter. I decided to apply a few of the things it mentions, and slowly, our brief encounters became ever-so-slightly longer.

A pastor from my church called me into his office, and we spoke about the situation. He told me to stop blaming her sickness for the things that I've done wrong. It was the first time I really realized I'd been blaming her hyperthyroidism for our problems instead of taking my share of the blame, and at the same time, had been invalidating her feelings and emotions.

My dad went into the hospital a few weeks ago due to a heart-attack. When I told her what was going on, she said she'd bring our S and move back in. I told her I wasn't ready to have that discussion, but the next day, when things started to look worse for my dad, she went and did it anyway. I did not have the faculties to hold her off. I really wasn't ready, and was just starting to get a grip on turning myself around. I'm not focusing on that too much though, since I did leave the invitation to return open. When she came back, she told me she was going to get permanent treatment for her hyperthyroidism (the pills she was taking doesn't work for everyone and sometimes a more drastic measure is needed to correct it), and that she wanted to try MC.

So now for the last few weeks, she been back in the house. We sleep in separate rooms, and she showed back up at a time when I was emotionally compromised as badly, if not worse, than I was before she left. Her coming back only made it worse, as happy as I was to not have an empty house again. I'd inadvertently become a doormat while wanting to avoid doing just that.

I've been working on maintaining an even keel around her, have been purposefully avoiding discussion about M, though frankly, I was scared to have a talk about it. The slow improvement that we had during separation seemed to continue, as eye-contact returned, along with friendly discussion with jokes and laughter.

We were going to go out to get some dinner a couple of nights ago, but that didn't happen due to events with my dad (bypass surgery). I told her that I'd been wanting to talk about us. This lead to an incredibly painful discussion. She told me that she wanted to be treated like she was special, that we lacked passion, that she'd maintained her virtue so far, but wasn't sure if she'd be able to if another man started showing it to her. I asked her about MC, she said she'd go so that a 3rd party could see we were done. I didn't cry, beg, or plead, but I stood my ground and told her that I'd finally begun to see where I was wrong, that it had given me hope, and that I wanted to show her things could be different. I asked her to get treated for her condition, then try MC with me before we made any final decisions. I said that I wasn't trying to invalidate her feelings by bringing her condition up, but that it should be removed from the table before moving forward. I then asked her what she wanted to do. She said she didn't know.

Later that evening, I asked her if she was okay. She said that she was as long as I understood where she was coming from. I told her that I did. This lead to a little more discussion, during which time she told me that she didn't want to be guilt-tripped back into our relationship. I told her I did not want to do that, that I wanted the decision to be made by her on her own. I told her that I didn't think it was over until it was over, and reminded her that I loved her, but said it in a way that didn't invite a response. I walked away to check on our son, and when I came back, she looked deep in thought and a little disturbed. I asked if I'd upset her, she just said she was thinking and that I'd said what I needed to say, though I'm not sure if she meant it as I'd spoken my piece or if it was what she needed to hear.

I realized yesterday that I'd committed a big no-no by bringing the R talk up without her wanting to have it. I don't know how much damage I did in that, so after reminding myself of what I'd already resolved to do while she was out of the house, I brought it home and applied it again. Didn't push any discussion, stuck to light topics when we did talk, and generally stayed out of her way. I was left with the impression that she wasn't too deeply upset by what had happened the day before, but I've thought things like that for years. I'm just trying not to dwell on it for now.

I ordered DR today, having it shipped to my parents so W doesn't see it when it arrives. Want to keep it a secret for now.

If you made it this far through my post, I really, REALLY appreciate it. If there's any feedback or advice, I'd really love to have it. Thanks!

[~ kd ~]

^

[Rick1963]

Ten welcome to the best worse place. what were her complaints about you? Gives more details. Other more e perienced DBers will chime in soon hang in there

[~ kd ~]

I am glad you mentioned at the end of your post that you ordered DR. Aside from what you have possibly read on this board, there will be a lot of information and tools to help you in your sitch.

While you wait, one of the things that could be very helpful is disengaging in R talk. You've indicated you've recognized this, so now is time to implement this enlightenment.

Also, your pastor is a smart man and you did well to heed his suggestion. We must own our responsibility 100%, even though your W may or may not own her responsibility 100%.

You are at a point that many here would love to be at. Your W moved back in and is indicating she will work on some of her responsibility (even though it is currently her medical condition; that will at least help remove that as an excuse or reason).

Take a deep breath. No matter what happens (good or bad), this is very often a long, hard road.

We talk about emotionally detaching yourself from the "roller coaster". That does not mean stop loving your W. It means stop reacting, especially to negative feedback from your W. What ever that takes and may look like for you, such as saying you need to think about what she said and physically remove yourself from the conversation, to being strong and simply validating your W's feelings or thoughts, even if you may disagree.

That are some of the things you can begin with.

Also, think about some of the things that you would like to change in yourself to make yourself a better person. You may be a fantastic person, but we can always improve. So what negative things could you get rid of and what positive things could you make better?

[tenbusrider]

Thanks for the replies!

Rick: Her primary complaints seemed to be not treating her well (she made a comparison of a security blanket and a video game, how they're treated, and that she wants to be the video game for once), a lack of passion, and lack of trust. She's also big into spirituality, something I have not been particularly active in until recently. She also hates my drinking habits.

KD: I'm definitely trying to take ownership of the problems that I've caused! It was a rude awakening when I realized just how much damage my mindset caused.

I wish I could interpret her moving back in as something positive for the R, but I feel that it's more a matter of convenience. Her mother lives about 45 minutes away, and she still works in town, so she had to do a lot of driving and wasn't able to hang out with friends as much as she would have liked as a result.

I think the biggest issue I need to address is my alcohol consumption. I drink 4-6 beers every night, and have been doing so for a years as a response to my anxiety. My dental hygiene is pretty messed up too, something I intend to correct when my tax return comes through (assuming that it will be a substantial amount).

I've got a bit of a plan starting to formulate in my head while trying to DB, including getting my teeth fixed and improving my smile, completely updating my wardrobe (most of my clothes are a few years old), and getting a new hairstyle. In general, completely renovating my physical appearance. I'm also looking for more ways to GAL, but it's difficult with my schedule plus having to look after my son on most of my days off.

[tenbusrider]

Journaling -

W, S, and I went to MIL's on Sat night for SIL's birthday party. It's a bit of a trek, and for a large stretch of it, W mostly texted with her friend who was on her way to see a concert in another city. We talked, but it was pretty brief and disengaged.

MIL was happy to see me - very unexpected. We talked for a while, played with the kiddos a bit, and took goofy pictures. MIL put one of SIL's plastic tiaras on me and took a picture of that. I left it on for a while, W eventually came up and reached for it. I jerked my head away a little and grinned at her. She grinned back and continued to reach for it. She got it then put it on her head.

At some point, Etta James's death came up. This lead her to put one of her albums on and turned it up loud. "At Last..."

MIL tried to get W and I to dance. W flatly said "no". I'd been doing okay up to that point, and had to take a moment to process that and let it go. She picked S up and danced with him, though, which helped dispel the awkwardness of the situation.

MIL kept S for us that night and would for the following night as well, so it was just us for the ride back to town. We actually talked through most of the trip. It was mostly light conversation. After we got home, I remarked to her how surprised I was that MIL had been so happy to see me. She told me that MIL was supporting both of us, and knew that W was trying to keep things "calm and sane". I was a little confused by that statement, but was still glad to hear that MIL wasn't just blatantly badmouthing me.

I left her to her reading for a while and watched TV in my room. We're smokers, but we go outside to do it. I gone outside a couple of times to smoke before she noticed, then told me that she'd been waiting on me to go herself.

W worked on Sunday. I went to Church and tithed on my own for the first time in my adult life. W had tithed for me before, but this was the first time I'd decided it was important to do, despite our current financial burdens. I went to see my mom for a bit after church, then went home and took a nap. I did the dishes after waking up, then went to visit my dad in the hospital.

I got home about a half hour before W. When she came home, we had more light-hearted discussion before it turned to a talk about spirituality. This has been an area where there's been lots of disconnect between us in the past. This time, I stayed engaged, maintained eye contact, asked questions and posed my own ideas, while also validating her views and thoughts. After a few minutes of this, I told her I'd leave her to her reading and walked away. She thanked me as I moved away. I came back through a moment later to get something, and she started talking again, continuing the previous discussion. I stayed engaged with her until she was done and let the conversation end as naturally as possible so we could move on about what we were doing.

We watched The Hangover Part II after dinner was ready. A bad storm rolled through as the movie was ending, and she began getting a bit nervous about S. I texted BIL, who was with him, and was told that S was fine and they were keeping an eye on the weather. I relayed this to her, and she seemed to relax a bit, though now she seemed on edge where she hadn't been before. Not sure what to make of that, if anything.

We went to bed after the storm sirens quietened down and the imminent danger passed.

I'm now finding myself having a harder time with the complete lack of physical interaction. I'm very much attracted to her, always have been. When I visualize her, it's kind of like being punched in the stomach. It only serves to make me feel more lonely than before, but I'm keeping it together. Hoping I don't struggle too much trying to detach.

Other than that, I think we had a pretty good time. It went much better than I was expecting!

Sidenote: Wish I didn't have to wait so long for my posts to be approved!

[~ kd ~]

Sure, tbr... your W could be cake eating. But it will be YOU and your clear boundaries that will determine whether you are a doormat. You are a doormat if you are doing things for your W out of fear rather than love.

Still, your W moving back in is a positive. And, with her being closer, she is more likely to notice your positive changes. Just be persistent with them. Don't EVER relax your goal to create a better R with your W, even if you manage to save your M. And always strive to become a better person. It helps with our Ms and it helps us in life, in general.

Lots of little steps in a positive direction will lead to positive results...

You are doing some great stuff and well done with the visit with MIL et al. Sometimes, things aren't quite the way our WAS try to present to us (and others). Also, nice on the tithing. Give, even when it is difficult. As hard as it can be some times, doing 10-10-80 (10% give, 10% save, 80% use) can become very rewarding.

Absolutely be proud of how you handled yourself again with the ILs and your W. These are huge positives and your W is noticing. Never doubt that.

[~ kd ~]

Keep posting often and as the moderators trust your content, you will be taken off moderation.

[tenbusrider]

Thank you, KD. I'm trying to keep my eyes on those positives, despite the negatives that might be coming from W's mouth. Your words mean a lot to me.

I'll just have to keep posting until I'm trusted, I guess!

[tenbusrider]

Journaling -

W went to pick S up while I was at work yesterday. She didn't get home until relatively late, which was fine. S was asleep, so I didn't get to see him, but having him home was enough for me.

W seemed to be in a touchy mood when she got home. Not touchy-feely, but on edge. More so than the previous night after the storm. A couple of conversations drew harsh responses, one over a bottle of bleach.

There was a bag of various chocolates that MIL gave us for valentine's day (I guess she didn't expect to see us again before that). When I'd gotten home, I'd noticed that everything but a chocolate bear had been eaten. After one of our conversations, I saw her eating that bear, and asked her if it was good. She said no. I said she must have been desperate, she laughed and said she was. Told her I'd wanted some more hershey's (which was gone), and she apologized and said she must be hormonal.

On one of our smoke breaks, she casually asked me if I had the number of the Pastor I'd spoken with while she was out of the house. She wants to speak to him now. I didn't react, just said I could give it to her. I haven't given it to her yet, gonna give it a minute and see if she asks again or offer it later if she doesn't.

I'm not sure why, but I'm a little concerned about this request. I think I've just trained myself to expect bad stuff to happen. This pastor is a very wise man and has lots of experience counselling couples, so I'm not sure why I feel this way. I've since asked to meet with him myself again.

I guess we'll see what happens. I feel a little more hopeful, but trying not to get my hopes up, you know?