i really understand how hard and confusing it is to feel discarded. yet - years later and out of the emotional trenches - i clearly see that at the end of the day i am responsible for how i feel about myself. and if i am so vulnerable to the way just one other person feels about me, its a major wake up call that i need to do things to build myself, or GAL as they say here.
Good point. I hear what you're saying, and I do love myself. I know I'm a good person who has brought a lot to this relationship. Feeling rejected and so easily discarded after 8,.5 years together and nearly 7 years of marriage is what's so difficult to get through. That said, I am doing my best to move forward, reconnecting with friends, reading self-help books, eating properly, etc.
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here is what i learned canguy: i can build myself in utterly the worst of circumstances as long as i know where i want to go and can break the steps down into small enough pieces. and believe me, i had to learn to break things down into tiny, ridiculously small steps on the hardest days. but it worked. at the end of those days i could still say i took those tiny steps. and they kept adding up. and yours will, too. and little by little, bit by bit, you regain your pride and self-respect. and then something really cool happens: you realize that all this pain has truly helped you transform yourself to a higher level. and you are going to get there.
I agree, pain can be a great motivator. Right now, there are days when angst fuels me to move forward. At this point, there are days when I really feel like throwing in the towel and turning the lights off. But I could not put my family and friends through that... and there are days that is the only reason I hold on. I have felt brief moments of "I'm going to be ok", and I'm trying to focus on those the best I can.
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if you are willing to, i will try to help you learn to do this. if so, please consider this question: if you woke up tomorrow, and a miracle had occurred, and everything in your life was exactly the way you wanted it to be, what would that look like?
Sure, I'd really like that, and thanks. If the miracle happened: - My wife and I would be together and in love, focused on our marriage and happy. - I would be more reliant on myself for my own happiness and fulfilment instead of being dependent on my marriage to fill those needs. - My relationship would include affection, intimacy and trust. - I would be slimmer and in better shape. - Financially, I would be better off and secure. - Health-wise I would not be living with cancer. - I would be more outgoing with friends (doing that now).
how about telling me 3 - 5 things you both do really well and really enjoy. they don't have to be activities per se, they can be strengths, virtues, skills and things of that nature as well.
how about telling me 3 - 5 things you both do really well and really enjoy. they don't have to be activities per se, they can be strengths, virtues, skills and things of that nature as well.
I'm not sure if you meant together or individually. I'll cover all bases.
Us: 1) We love to travel together - at least until the separation. 2) We both loved to entertain friends at our home. 3) We have been a fairly easy-going couple, healthy but infrequent arguments. 4) I would like to add "we loved each other dearly" to this category, but it was one-sided. I believe I loved much more than she loved me.
My stbxw: 1) Excellent organizer and planner. 2) One of the most considerate people I know for doing the little things for others. 3) Very social, up for anything. 4) A leader at work.
Me: 1) Sincere and loyal. 2) Great with teach, a go-to person for friends and family. 3) Enjoy indie music and movies. 4) Love to travel with my wife.
This is the second list you've asked for... curious to see what you come up with.
Update: My stbxw moved out Wed-Thurs of this week. The house feels very empty. I shed some tears when I got home after work as I walked around and saw all of the rooms with her things gone. However... I do feel less stressed and have over the past week, despite the grief. It's nice to walk on eggshells or wonder when the next wave of resentment would strike (often felt tolerated more than loved).
Something to share... At a deeper level, she says her moving out is something she had to do, that I am a great guy but not the guy for her, and that quite possibly her career is more important than any relationship. Moving to her apartment will bring her a high (she is always after the next rush/praise/recognition), but after a while that will fade. A friend of hers says she is romanticizing the idea of being on her own, single and in her own place, but that it will fade and she will realize what she has lost. While I still grieving the loss of the relationship, she seems thrilled to be moving on, and to be single and independent.
I get the feeling that after she starts to get lonely she will be looking to be with someone else. Case in point… last June she said she had “passing thoughts” of cheating on me. This was because she did not want to have sex with me or anyone else, and wondered if cheating on me would help her sort through that. Before Christmas, I called her over to my room and we talked (she was sleeping in the other bedroom). Not sure what led to this, but she mentioned she was at a meeting and there were guys around the table. She knew I was hurting from her leaving the marriage, yet she said, “I thought to myself… hmmm… I wonder who’s single? I wonder who’s separated?” That stung… you don’t say that to someone you love.
Since this is the third time she has wanted to leave, it would be hard to ever trust her emotionally again. Part of me loved her unconditionally and believes we could work through our issues with a marriage counselor. Our issues are minor (no abuse, infidelity - to my knowledge), but due to lack of communication they grew a life of their own and because all we could see sometimes, what I've referred to as fog. Part of me believes we haven't lost our connection but simply misplaced it. Then again...
Part of me wonders if we are right for each other. I need someone who can communicate, be committed to our marriage while we purse individual goals, who can be loving, giving, intimate... and I don't know if my wife can be that person. She is too self-absorbed right now, and gave me highly contradictory messages... she did not want to have sex, yet was upset with me for not initiating anything. Wanted us to be more social with friends, yet did not want to have people over (or at least not with me). I feel she is looking for someone who can better match her "power player" ambitions in the community. I feel she wants to trade up.
Thing is... I know what I bring to the table a husband, friend and lover. My gut feeling is that as the novelty of her new place diminishes, she will get lonely and possibly grieve the relationships (she says she already has, but I did not see any evidence of this- she has just wanted to leave). At that point, she may regret her decision. Two of her best friends tell me she stil loves me, but is romanticizing the new apartment and the separation. They think that in time she will realize what she's lost and reconsider our relationship. To be honest... as much as I would love to reconcile with her, given this is the third time she has wanted to leave and that she is now gone, I am not sure if that is even possible, or something I want.
To further illustrate the "romanticizing" part... last summer we had a great trip planned to NYC (our 2nd time here). Knowing I am not the most romantic guy in the world, I suggested my wife choose a day and plan anything she wanted and I'd go with her (we planned a bit of it together). We were both very, very excited about this trip. However, a month before she wanted to separate, and even bought a car (her get-away vehicle I called it, privately). But... she still wanted to go on the trip, even after saying she wanted to separate. When I said no, that I could not go on a trip with a woman who wants to leave me she said, "but we've always travelled well together. It would be like... (in a romantic voice) our last trip!". Apparently, "last trip" is part of a romantic novel she read or movie she saw. To me, it just demonstrated how disconnected she was from reality sometimes - or at least the way I see things. We cancelled that trip. She was very saddened to lose the day she'd planned for her/us. I was too.
This is where a forum like this comes in. I know couples in rougher situations than us have reconciled and been stronger as they moved forward. I suppose time will tell. Perhaps I am facing a massive compatibility issue with my wife and that there is no hope. Right now, if she were to knock on the door and want to come back, I would say no. Too much has happened. She needs to see a counselor to address her issues (I have and am seeing one to address mine). Then we would have to start dating again, slowly, with a long courtship and followed by counseling.
So, onyourside2... 1) what are you getting at with the questions? I am curious. 2) Based on my story, have you seen couples in similar situations make it through and reconcile, even though they were separated? Not looking for false hope, since at this time I have very little hope we will get back together... but let's just say I am not shutting the door on the possibility. I love her and am still very much in love with her.
Yesterday I saw that my stbxw liked a post a friend of ours made on Facebook (one of those images with text photos). I would not help but send a message to my stbxw:
I'm probably going to hate myself for bringing this up, but I noticed you liked a photo post a friend made... "Maybe it's not always about trying to fix what's broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better."
You know my brain... does this mean you consider us over and are referring to someone new? Or does it mean you'd want to throw away the past fog and problems we've had and see if **we** can create something better in time? Or are you still unsure?
I realize it's early to ask, but I would appreciate an honest answer.
I probably should not have sent this - what do you think? I know I am having a very hard time letting go. I still miss and love her dearly, but on the logical side of things, know it was not a happy marriage to be with someone who did not love me, and where I felt tolerated. This of course, with the exception of so many bright moments, which make me think we could have benefitted from a counselor. All so very painful and frustrating.
