i'm doing alright, continuing to work on myself, continuing to educate myself, continuing with counselling, continuing to hold my head high and detach from H and put the pieces of my life back together. Feeling a little lonely today but...v-day was never a big deal for us so don't feel like i'm missing anything - just thinking of him a lot today.
I am hearing more and more how many aspects of my H's life is unravelling (work, the competitive sports team he plays for, his 'friends', etc, etc, etc) a part of me feels like saying you made your bed so you lay in it but the majority of me - the part that obviously still has love for him is really worried about him. i feel that he is at risk of losing/damagin absolutely everything in his life and i think he thinks his behaviour is kept under-wraps, know one knows anything and its not affecting anything. i feel that he is spiralling to bottom and the hardest thing i can ever do is sit back and let it happen. i am taking each and every day as a new day, some are good, some bad, some just happen.
he is still delaying and putting off anything that will permanently separate our lives ie getting his name of the care lease, getting the house appraise for sale, taking married off his fb page, etc) I try not to read into this - i just know that if i 100% didn't want him in my life i would do everything in my power to get this stuff over with asap.
i hope you are doing well, thanks for checking in, i'll post back now and then. Happy v-day to you too!
I guess i haven't written here in a while cause i kinda didn't feel like my situation was given much of a glance - in that because we are so newly married and kids weren't involved it didn't really validate working on.But i feel that if my heart is still in the same place and i know more and more everyday that i still love this perso with all of my heart - why does that make my marriage any less worthy of fighting for?
i do feel that people can truly make mistakes and i think that is what has happened, and you hear about couples all getting passed worse and yes even this early on. . I do truly truly believe that my husband is dealing with something bigger than he even understands. Even if that something is just being faced with having to deal with his emotions - something he has rarely had to do. i believe that depression is definitely a factor and i don't think he can see that or is to proud to ever admit. i know for certain that his actions and his words don't match up and never have throughout this whole ordeal.
Over the past 6 weeks we have had very little contact. i have been working really hard at GAL - i have been going to hot yoga 5 days a week, working out 2x a day, busy with school and my social life - to be honest i'm rarely home. i do know that when i am home, i'm lonely. I also know that i think about him constantly and i don't know how to stop doing that.
Over that time, he had written me a few times on fb chat to see if i had someone to come look at the house for an appraisal, which i have been dragging my heals on i will admit. He wrote me 2 weeks ago and said we REALLY need to get that done and i finally told him i would look after it and booked it for the following wednesday (a week an a half ago). in those few days in between him saying that i ran into him in a pub that i go to often. it was very emotional for both of us. As soon as he saw me he came over and we ended up talking for about an hour and a half and he apologized for everything he has done etc etc....i told him we can't have this conversation here and we arranged to meet before the home appraisal. he came over a few days before and we had a really good chat. he opened up more than he had in the past 4 months. we talked a few more times that week - all initiated by him, all very emotional, all open and glimpses of the old him. we were both crying our eyes out.
the day of the appraisal he showed up about 45 minutes before he was supposed to and stayed for about and hour and a half after ,again opening up just about us and about life stuff and things in his life (outside of us) that he isn't happy with. he also said i don't have to rush in making a decision on what to do with the house, i can wait it out and see how i feel (?- about what??). in those talks he admitted (completely unprompted by me) that he had been running from this and pretending it would just go away and that he hasn't dealt with it the way that he should have. And admitted alot of things that at the beginning he told me were my fault or my problems, i was really really shocked. he kept hugging me and holding me the whole time, very apologetic for everything. we did start to get a little physical but i stopped it right away.
the next morning he called me at work and told me he was going to go away for a few days because he need to "sort his head out" and really think about everything that had gone on over the passed week etc. He hasn't told me his whereabouts in 5 months yet was telling me every detail about this trip so that i would believe what he was saying (after previous transgressions). on that call, again we both were openly communicating about our feelings and about what had gone on the day before and how confusing that was etc and thats what he said he wanted to think about and we could sit down and talk more when he gets back etc. he called me again that night and told me all the details of the trip etc. i do believe him and i do know that the ow wasn't there with him. i truely saw glimpses of my old H, the one i love so dearly, not the closed off, emotionless person he has been over the past few months.
he called me the day after he was back to "check in" (his word) and let me know he was back, we chatted for about 20 minutes then i let him go, nothing in depth just everyday life stuff. he wanted to arranged to come up and go over the home appraisal so he was here tonight. i guess my biggest problem is letting go of having any expectation of him, from his actions and openness the week prior, then being on his own for a week, in a city where he knew no one - i guess i thought he would come back and tell me something different...anything different.... when he came up tonight he was the same person he was the day he left. Emotionless, closed up as tight as a drum, withdrawn, etc. i did try everything in my might not to get upset but when it came to talking about the house and having to make these decisions that i don't want to be making it was hard not to. i told him how confusing it was last week and even when we talked about the whole getting physical thing he didn't know what to say...he just said i was just hugging you and i guess it shouldn't have happened.
he asked what i wanted to do with the house and i kinda broke down a bit and just said how i'm confused about everything, work (not overly happy where i am) about moving away, about staying in the house about what really i should do next. a huge part of me wants to sell it and move away, something that i have been interested in for 4 years and we talked about doing together - and his reaction is well don't make any irrational decisions - i looked at him and said are you kidding me i've been nothing but rational through all this.
as i said i still love him as much today as the day i met him....that hasn't faltered once. So what do i do? at what point do i just pick up and move one? i'm afraid that if i up and go that i'm closing the door on any hope of us...and i guess i'm afraid if i stay, i will be stuck in this holding pattern i feel like i've been in. I honestly don't konw what the right thing to do is. i know staying in this small town, where he is, i'll never get over him and i worry that moving is just running.
sometimes i think that he feels he has done too much damage that its beyond repair - and i don't think that at all. People get over worse and he's known my opinion of that since the start. He has also told me when i told him at the start of this that i think he's making the biggest decision of his life - he said he will just have to live with that if he is...i told him thats not how you deal with things. you don't just push things out of you mind forever and pretend they will just go away.
so here i am i just don't know what to do - i know his actions and decisions are completely beyond my control. i know there was some good and some bad from what happen above. i know my gut has been right about every feeling i have had in our whole relationship, both good and bad. and my gut has told me from the very beginning of all of this mess that this isn't it for us, this isn't the end of our story.
