I've been searching the forum for a post i've seen a number of times and can't seem to locate....its one on detachment, a really good post, i think a regular poster might have put it up...maybe 25?
VENTING>>>>>>>> How can someone continue to LIE LIE LIE..... 2 of my best friends stopped in last night with news on H. My cousin - saw H and OW in the airport together a few days ago in a different city. And when i confronted him on it he said he wanted to get away from all of this for a few days...which in and of itself is comical, and he happened to run into her in the airport as she was on her way back home for a professional school interview. He must think I am f&@%ing stupid! seriously. i said you could make this whole thing so much easier on yourself if you were honest.....i said do you even understand how ridiculous that sounds. my brothers response when i told him this was: i've been travelling back and forth between these 2 citys for 19 years and have only ever once seen someone i knew...and he goes once and runs into the girl that ruined his marriage....ridiculous.
i know i broke a whole lot of rules and did some major backsliding by losing my marbles at him last night but i can't be a pushover and i was sooo angry that he is still lying to everyone and being soooo disrespectful to me. This girl is 20! 20...he is 32...wheres the reality in that?? he said it was a coincidence and i couldn't believe he said it...i said you mean to tell me there was no direct flights out of the two busiest airports in canada to where we live and you just happened to be flying on the same day with the same stop over? he said yes....
i told him i can understand why he would need to get away, his life is really hard right now with having to keep all these lies straight and all.
he told me he couldn't afford to get our home appraised for sale yet can drop $1G to "get away for a few days away from all this mess (that he created)" and i think he was lying about moving out....
so i took "married to H" off my facebook page and packed up the reminder of his stuff last night... he has been staying at a male friends for the last 3 months, taking one shirt at a time....i'm not having that any more....i think i'm going to drop it off to him tomorrow and be done with it. until he can show me respect i can't have this in my life.....
and to be honest this wasn't a shocker when i heard it...i knew it was coming in some way shape or form...it goes to show he has been lying this whole time. i seriously worry there is deeper mental issues with him right now...he has alienated himself from his friends and family and lives in this false bubble and thinks hes happy...he has convinced himself what his is doing is ok and can be happy living this way...thats delusional!!!!!!
the first think i told my pals that told me this last night was that i went to a card reader recently and she was spot on with EVERYTHING. She also said he wasn't done hurting me yet and i was going to be told something that upset me....we'll case and point!
enough... If there is one thing I have come to terms with, it is they will lie..about everything...and have NO REMORSE or guilt. So you beating your head against a wall and trying to understand is useless. Its like trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is irrational...We dont think like them so it will NEVER make sense.
Someone told me after I caught my H in the A, that I should just move my stuff out of the house...look him in the face and say "ill miss you" and have no other contact with him as long as he was still involved with ow...I did move my stuff out but had a hard time cutting off contact. looking back now, I think if I would have done that things would be different now...so just my 2 cents..but I would do just what you said, pack up his stuff, tell him youll leave it on the porch for him or drop it off..and then go dark...
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
My X did something shady a long while back. When confronted with it he at first denied it happened at all, then fessed up and apologised up and down, cried, begged me not to leave him (over the dishonesty - there was no A, or really even EA - he told some girls he was single to get fawned over)
Then during his tour when I found him on dating sites and confronted him.. he didn't deny it or say he was sorry. He got mad at me for snooping, and then LIED about how many sites he was on, for how long and blamed ME for it all.
Good for you for sounding so strong on all this. Seriously. Thank goodness for supportive friends and family. And I think you need to lay out your boundaries as well. Enough is indeed enough!
thanks thats exactly what i'm going to do first thing tomorrow...after our snowstorm and i'm going to ask my big strapping male rugby friend (who was his friends before he lost the respect of everyone in that community that i introduced him to...now they all think hes a coward and have no respect for him) to help.....
to be honest with you i never shed one tear over this and feel that its validating to know that i'm not crazy in thinking it was going on. i mean the things he says to me are actually laughable they are so out in left field. i wish i could record our conversations and play them back to him at some point!...i do keep hearing more and more things about him and ow...my gut tells me it was an ea until very recently...october i think...and people tell me these things because they respect me not cause i dig...which i'm sure is what he thinks.
i don't know how salvagable this is at the moment and right now i don't know if i even care. i do deserve more respect and dignity that i have gotten from him over the past 6 months. i also know he can give it to me because he has. but i don't know if i will ever open my heart to him again. so we will see. i know that i can tolerate a lot without getting really angry....last night i was pushed and i feel like the work i've done with/on myself over the past three months is helping me deal with this with a somewhat rational head.
i also strongly believe that there is underlying depression (and a mlc) going on and have suspected it for a long time.....from what he has said to me...while reading the mlc board i am knodding my head the whole time saying yes...he said that...yes he does that...all of it. the only way i could look at him again is with professional help (and a clean std test - ha!).
don't ever apologize for the diddy's - i love them and the support here is very comforting...everyone on these boards are hear for the right reasons - cause we aren't the problem (and yes we aren't perfect) but we are trying to be better people!
i digress...i am going out for dinner with a lovely group of friends that love and support me through all this...and he is sitting in someones basement looking to find friends of convenience to go out with....and this is the life he wants! Karma!
i packed all of his things today...and called him from outside his new apartment...asked him how it was and told him he might want to come outside...he said why, i said to pick up all your s&^!T. i just threw it out of the car and into the snow in front of his place...i think he was SHOCKED. shocked that i did it, that i am not sitting at home pineing over him, etc. he barely said anything. just asked me not to throw it. i said when you show me respect, i will show you respect.
to be honest it felt good. i'm not putting up with being disrespected and if it means this pushed him away so be it. its just not good enough.
Enough - I'm sure that felt good, but remember in the future, the high road will leave you feeling better in the long run.
As for your H - you are young, you have no kids with this man, and he has cheated on you within the first year of your marriage. I'm willing to bet he was cheating on you with her BEFORE the wedding. It's odd, but I've seen it here several times - guys who are having an affair, but still go through with the wedding, because of all the momentum involved or whatever. If a guy is cheating in the first year of marriage, WHY DO YOU WANT TO SAVE THIS?
I'm all for fighting for marriages where there are kids, or 20 years of history. But a guy who has shown himself capable of this level of dishonesty, disrespect, and lack of character this early in the marriage? This isn't a midlife crisis, this is a deep character flaw. And it is not likely to change. Do you really want to have children with this man, and risk being a single mom in the future when he does this again?
