Well...just when I thought it quite possibly could be over between W & OM, even though we are now on our 2nd week of living apart, I recently got vibes that something didn't feel right. Last night, I drove by OM's apartment community and found that W's vehicle was on premises. It was still there this morning as I checked on my way to work.
We are living apart... not divorced or even legally separated. Does her relationship with OM make it any less appropriate than while we were married?
When I first knew of OM months ago, I didn't confront W. I figured she'd deny... which she did when I gently hinted I knew. I cowered at the thought of persisting the subject matter with her, fearing it would rock the boat, until just after we made the decision to live apart.
Now, I'm not sure if I should keep this to myself or grow a pair and tell her I know it's still going on.
I had been looking forward to seeing her again this weekend. I now realize her feelings are probably not mutual.
It was her idea to live separately, she says she misses me, but obviously that's just a bunch of hoo-ha... as she's staying with OM. Should I discuss with my W that I know she is still seeing OM? If so, what is best way to approach? If not, why not?
While I'm waiting for replies on my previous post, let me ask these questions to my fellow peeps in Texas who have experienced adultery AND divorce:
Does adultery have any impact on whether spousal maintenance will be awarded? If so, will hiring a private investigator for the sake of that purpose (as opposed to confrontational purposes) be advisable? Is a licensed private investigator's collected information even considered legitimate by the Texas courts?
It was her idea to live separately, she says she misses me, but obviously that's just a bunch of hoo-ha... as she's staying with OM. Should I discuss with my W that I know she is still seeing OM? If so, what is best way to approach? If not, why not?
Mach1. I appreciate your reply, thank you. Have I already walked this road? Obviously, I did. Not to make excuses, but it's no secret around here that this stuff can be an emotional roller coaster. So, perhaps, I got caught up in this tangled web once again. My bad. The first time I inquired, we were still living under the same roof. This time, we're living apart. Furthermore, shame on me for believing she really missed me & staying somewhere else other than where she really was.
I am not asking for you or anyone else to make the decision for me. I UNDERSTAND it is MY decision to make. While no two situations are identical, some have similarities. I am seeking the experience of those with similar situations - what worked/what didn't - combine the responses and formulate my own strategy as how I see it to work most effectively for my situation.
I love her dearly. So, it offends me that this happened in the first place. I would do whatever it takes to gain her back. On the other hand, I wonder if jumping through all these hoops (despite the purpose to improve myself and well-being) is really going to win her back. That is the objective, afterall. The other thing I'm beginning to question, despite having been a strong believer in the sanctity of marriage, why do all of us (or, at the minimum, me) stick around after the spouse has strayed?
Guess I'm really miffed at myself for being fooled yet again
Oh, and I forgot to mention, Mach1... I accept your words of wisdom. I'm sure most others around here would probably suggest something similar. So, I accept your challenge for me to work on myself for me. :-)
I do know how hard this is, I have been down that road....
There is no right or wrong answer here.
There is only the answer that YOU can know, and the one that works for you.
Somewhere nestled between right and left, there is a middle. A place where there is a balance of how you are and what is right for you, and what is wrong for you...
Each situation is different, and nobody else lays their head on your pillow at night.
Confronting her....
What does that look like for you ????
What does the outcome look like for you ?
How does that play into the person you were ?
And want to be now ?
What does it accomplish ?
For me, when I was faced with this, I chose to make it more about things that I would or would not allow in my life anymore.
For me, if she wanted to be with another man, I could not control that. And I refused to allow myself to continually dwell on that aspect of it. I was not going to attempt to control what she did or didn't do with her life. As screwed up as she was, he wasn't getting all of her anyway, he was getting the used up part that she was burning off. There wasn't anything deeply emotional that he was getting.
To be honest, in some small way, I am grateful that she had someone to talk to through that part. That she felt she had some support through a very rough time, for her.
What I DID do, was to work through my anger, and come from a rational state of mind. And what I told her was that I could not allow myself to live with a person that chose to lie continuously to me. And if that was her choice ( to lie to me and our family) , then she would have to do it without me. And as long as there was another man present in her life, I would not be.
What that did, was to let her "own" her decisions, and to take that weight off of my shoulders. Why should I carry HER secret with me ? Why should I cover HER actions with secrecy between us ?
This was something that I did between us. Not family, not friends or coworkers. This was between us....
Try to answer those questions for yourself...
Know the answers to those, and that will allow you to find that balance for yourself.
There is no right answer here, only the one that fits in with your changes and goals....
Use that anger that you have as a shield, not as a sword...
It will not serve you well with matters of the heart.
Met with W today. The purpose of today's outing was to have an open & honest discussion about our history & future, this was her suggestion to me a couple of weeks ago. I had been prepared to tell her I've had enough of her antics. Rather, it turned out to be a two hour visit talking about current events. After a certain point, I transitioned our conversation toward the day's intended objective. Immediately, she threw me a curveball, suggesting we communicate via the professional assistance of a marriage counselor. Huh?!? Just a few months ago, when I made this suggestion, she declined. I don't know if she's stalling, just made a chess move on me, or if she's being somewhat sincere. Nonetheless, I will proceed with caution & curiosity.
