Together since we were 15...Part 2

[Jenna333]

First thread here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2207756&page=1

MrBond and Rick, thank you very much for your replies. I really need to find a way to let him go right now--for my sanity, and also because he needs to face the reality of what he supposedly wants.

Well, tonight was interesting. I went to my mom's for a couple of hours. I cried and just got my feelings out. Got home a half hour before ex and the kids. After he put them to bed, he came to my door. I was in my room with the door shut. I was hoping to keep our conversation minimal. He knocked and asked if he could come in. I asked why, and he said he wanted to talk to me. I asked why, and he repeated himself. He sounded pissed. I told him he could come in. He stood there and told me that financial aid took away all of his grants and loans this semester because of his poor GPA. He transferred schools (from a community college to a university) last semester, and they only took into account his GPA from last semester. He started going off about how I was depressed and he had to deal with that. I butted in and told him not to blame me for his poor grades. He snapped that he knew he shouldn't have talked to me about this, and went downstairs. I went down, and we talked some more. He explained that it was just a really hard semester, and he failed tests when he got 100s on the quizzes and how it didn't make sense to him. He was lazy and admitted that he was depressed himself. He said he couldn't allow himself to be depressed, because I was and he had to take care of everything He said maybe he was the reason I was depressed. I told him no, my life was the reason. My lack of ambition, goals...it all caught up to me and I was unhappy with myself. He's going to the college tomorrow to explain his crisis to them. He said that we're basically going through a divorce

I looked over at him at one point and he had tears streaming down his face. He said he has so much to let go of. He said he clung to me for so long, and he truly loved me. We ended up even talking about his dad, who abandoned him. He tries to find him every once in a while. He told me he's thought a lot about him since the split. I told him of a quote that I came across the other day (saw it here, actually). "Forgiveness is setting the load down and never picking it back up." It makes a lot of sense to me. It seemed to click for him, too, that forgiveness is more for himself than for anyone he's forgiving. It's more just realizing that your past doesn't have to control your future. Anyway, we talked about his family and I mentioned how I felt defensive/protective over him when it came to them. He teared up and thanked me for caring so much. He said I helped him with my talking to him more than I know. I just figured I would because I know his past.

At one point I told him he seems to only be remembering the bad times, and he said I seem to only be remembering the good times. He then said he looked at texts between us from last summer on his old phone (he found it today). He looked wistful. He couldn't ignore the good times while reading through those. They're pretty lovey dovey and silly. We had so many inside jokes and nicknames for each other. Sad to think that all of that is finished now. I did tell him that as hard as this is, in a way I'm relieved because since I didn't trust him, I was constantly worried about what he was doing. Now, I don't care. I mean, I do care, of course, but it's not the same. He said that's what he's enjoying most...not having to worry that he's going to upset me by lying to me. He said he feels good knowing he's not hurting me. My jaw dropped. He explained that he knows this decision is hurting me, but his day to day choices aren't because they aren't my concern anymore. I mentioned that he must like the freedom to talk to girls. He said he enjoys not having to worry if he's crossing the boundaries I set up. I was always so jealous. I didn't like him befriending females, really. Ugh. I was a peach Trust and control issues are a recipe for disaster.

Oh! He asked where I went tonight. I hesitated and said I felt we shouldn't talk about our personal lives anymore. He told me I snooped through his phone earlier, so I owed him this. Ugh. He asked if I hung out with the (made up!) guy I'm casually emailing with. I'm pissed at myself for lying like that. It's not like me. I said no. I then asked him what would he do if I'd said yes. He said "I'd say good for you. I'd be hurt, but I'd lick my wounds in private." I mentioned something about the girl he's talking to. He said there's nothing going on, and there's nothing special about this particular girl other than the fact that they get along.

This is a rambly post. I apologize. NO MORE talking like that with him.

[Jenna333]

Another night of bad sleep/dreams. He mentioned last night that the only night of good sleep he's gotten the past month was when he cuddled me all night

I'm just not sure what to think and how to get him out of my head. It hurts so much that he told that girl that he's excited about this year. I feel like a fool for being so sad. But then he says he's sad, too. All I can do is to GAL and quietly hope that eventually he will see that he wants to be with me, that dating is overrated, and he had something special with me (he admits that). But at the same time, I feel I shouldn't be hoping at all. I feel like he'll crush my hopes by never coming back. Then I feel I should be working on letting him go and moving on.

[Jenna333]

I'm at 120.8 today. I've lost 12lbs in a month.

[CO1978]

Grats Jenna, I guess. Was the weight loss from stress or exercise or little of both?

I know I lost 29 lbs (215 lbs to 186) in 2 months so far thanks to both stress and exercise, then started to diet and exercise.

My W told me yesterday she is down to 108 lbs from 126 lbs, her weight loss is all stress.

[Jenna333]

Stress only. I have not been eating much. I need to start exercising.

Well, right now I'm feeling very fed up! It clicked in my head that this was the female coworker that he looked up on youtube (she sings in a video) and FB (though he denies logging into my FB behind my back to look for her...he doesn't deny logging into my FB, just looking her up) back in September. He says there's nothing he can do to prove that he wasn't cheating on me, but he wasn't. I believe he wasn't, but I believe he had an interest in her other than friendship. He would hang out with her after work sometimes for up to 40mins while he left his depressed girlfriend at home. He said she's fun to talk to, and while I am as well, I wasn't when I was depressed. Ohh man. I'm angry. I told him it doesn't really matter, we won't have to deal with our issues ever again together.

This probably goes so far against DBing. At least I don't feel like a door mat any longer. A huge part of me really worries that even if we got back together, he would not stop with the lying. He's always lied to me It was awful being with someone that I did not trust.

He checked what I thought was a leak under my car before he and the kids drove off an hour ago and just lay there on the driveway. He stared off into space and said, "I hate this. My life [censored]."

[MrBond]

He's in an EA big time and is in denial because he believes he is doing the "right thing". Let me put it to you this way...if he feels guilty about talking to her in the past because he knew you wouldn't like it, then it's cheating.

"I hate this. My life [censored]."

Poor baby. Whatever. You keep staying strong and start getting yourself strong.

[Jenna333]

I read the texts between them. They were texts that honestly could have been sent between my female BFF and I. I think he's interested, but it hasn't progressed past 'friend stuff' yet. I think he has a major curiosity towards other women (he's only really experienced me, at least on the 'feelings' side of things) and is testing her out, but isn't sure if he's totally interested yet. Gag me.

He used to lie about staying after work even to talk to guys. He stopped wanting to come home to me and started staying after work more and more.

[MrBond]

Doesn't matter. Right now it's enough to have him choose a lie that's not with you. He wants a life without responsibility and to cheat with a clear conscience.

He is a guy after all. He'll argue against it, but it's so obvious to me at least. Out of curiosity, have you done anything to try and "attract" him back to you? Men are very simple creatures.

[Jenna333]

Oh, he's incredibly attracted to me. We actually slept together last week and he said it was one of the most amazing nights of his life. I will not be going there again. He twisted his words around to make me think he was coming home, though he denies trying to mess with my head/emotions. I was so excited. Then he told me the next morning that we were just hanging out and remembering the good times. If he could have it his way, he'd have me and be single at the same time. He misses talking to me, flirting with me, even living with me. I'm getting to the point where I'm just fed up with his childish BS and I don't want him back.

If, and that's a big if, he decides to wise up and become an honest man who realizes he made a mistake and wants his family back, I wouldn't be against trying to work it out at all. Not without major MC sessions. But he doesn't want that. At least not anytime soon, he says. I'm tired of him calling the shots. This is MY life now, and I am a door mat no longer.

[MrBond]

Good girl! Now you need to start going out. Next time he comes to pick up the kids, make sure you're dressed to kill and tell him thanks for watching the kids while you're going out. Be sure you have plans.

That's why he was feeling insecure about you having a "pretend" guy. Even though he says he's okay with it, he's not. Trust me.