My wife and I have been married for 10 yrs, together for 12. We have had trouble communicating in the past, with work kids, and little time it has cause us trouble. Over the last few months, after talking to her about the time we spend together (or lack of), and getting little response from her. I felt that I gave up on talking to her, I retreated and basically didn't act like I really wanted her around. Our contact was limited, We talked at Christmas and she said she felt she was done and wanted a divorce. I realized that I was being selfish and pushing her away. I realized that I made a mistake and wanted to work on our marriage but she has given up and wants a divorce. I'm at a loss for what to do, I know from previous experience pressure doesn't work, and I don't want to apply any. I would appreciate any help I can get from the forum to help me win my wife back and prove to her that she is what I want. Please help!
Here's some more info on us. My wife and I both work in the fire service, we work opposite 24hr shifts so that 1 of us is always home with the kids, this leaves us 10 days a month to be together, so our time is precious. We have gotten in funk, with her looking to change career fields to help us out and going to school and working, plus having people work her shift so she can go to school and then having to cover for the other people has dropped our time together greatly. We have quit doing things for each other and have become more like roommates. I want to work on keeping us together and work on having better communication to keep the passion alive. I thank everyone for the help.
Don't let the moderating deter you. I know it can be frustrating when it feels like everything is falling apart around you and desperately want insight, but just keep posting about things as they happen - when they're approved people will see them, gain some background on your situation, and soon enough you'll be able to post right away.
I'm in a similar boat with a wife who's given up after I've done more than my share (or in some cases NOT done some things that ought to have been done) and I'm also in the process of trying to save my marriage - or at least pave the road for another go around if she goes through with the D word - AND make myself a better person for all of it.
I definitely recommend both books - get them and read them as soon as you can. The content is presented in a way that I think will reassure you, and the advice in them is laid out in a very easy to read, easy to absorb fashion. Get them from a library if you need to, but if you're like me you'll eventually want your own copies. My copy of DB is liberally underlined, notes in the margins and all that. My counselor loaned me her copy of DR, and I already know I'll want my own copy for future reference because like many, mine is going to be a long process.
If you've not been to a counselor, definitely look into it. It's really helped me to have someone with a wealth of professional experience and perspective who I can talk to. If you need to go find one, both the books have some advice on picking the right one for you but if you want to start finding one before you have a chance to read them, the important take-aways are to make sure that the counselor is 'marriage friendly' (if my counselor listened to my story, then said that the best thing would be for me to write it off and move on, it would really frustrate me and I'm willing to bet it would you too) and solution oriented.
Good luck!
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
My ex also felt pushed away for too long, and gave up. It's only been 4 weeks for me, and I'm finding myself feeling impatient. Patience is key here! Like Mach said, you acted your way into this, and talking won't get you out of it. I'm trying to accept that not enough time has gone by for me. It's so very hard going through this. I'm trying my best to get a life and emotionally detach. He still wanted to flirt with me and sleep with me, and I let it happen beCause I want him so much. I realized that that won't bring him back, so I'm trying to distance myself.
Give your W time to figure out her emotions. Be happy around her and don't do any begging or pleading. Be the best man that you can be. This is often a wake up call.
M & H 25 T 9 D 7 S 4 Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me. Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out 2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other. 3-4-12 H moved back in. 3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Thanks for the help. I went to see my counselor on Thursday and had some good feedback, she also wanted to develop some idea's about what i've doing, and what I'm looking for. My wife and I were able to sit down and talk Thursday afternoon for over a hour, I was able to explain that what I have been doing was wrong, and was not me, she listened patiently but didn't have any real response. She feels that we keep going thru the same issues every year and is tired of it. I realize what I want out of this marriage and I'm working hard to show that I can communicate. Just like everyone else I'm also impatient, but I know yesterday was a good start. I hope to be able to sit down with her and continue our talks. I appreciate any advice given, I just want her back!
Things are progressing slowly, which I expect. The last week or so she has started to warm up towards me, we talk about things in general, stuff happening with the family and friends. Before she would just ignore the fact that I was around. For me this is a step in the right direction, as I have said to her before baby steps. We haven't gotten down to talking about the our relationship at all, I'm just trying to let her get comfortable in having conversations with me. Part of the problem in the past was that I didn't pay attention and didn't act like I really cared if she was there. I'm trying to make it known that I want to talk to her, and I'm interested in what she is saying. I don't want to start to pressure her about our relationship, she seems slightly more comfortable and I know she doesn't need any more pressure from me. Again without looking to deeply into things, thursday was a good day for us (least I thought) we talked about things in general, she left for nursing school, did things with the kids when she got home, I ran her a bath for her to relax, then when she was done she came down and sat near me on the couch, she feel asleep and I helped her up to our bedroom, told her That I would grab my stuff and go sleep on the couch, (we haven't stayed in the same bed for about a month), she said that I didn'thave to and said I could stay in the bed. I was nice to lay by her and that was the extent of our night. Again I try not to look to deeply into things but it was a nice change. I take every day one day at a time!
Things are moving slowly, which I expect. Over the last few days our conversations have gotten better, but I haven't broached the subject of the marriage. I feel that our conversation's are a opportunity for her to feel comfortable in talking with me, also with there being no pressure about M, D, or R. She hasn't brought up anything about the divorce. She doesn't shy away from me touching her such as a massage, and we were even intimate one nite, but after that she is still distant towards me and there is no physical contact on her part. I don't know the exact right time for me to mention the marriage or divorce and ask her how she feels without it seeming like I'm pressuring her for a answer. Over the past 2 weeks things have turned around alot, which I'm really happy about.I know stuff will take time and I have to be patient, which I will be. Would appreciate any idea's
