Husband Left...Part 4

[Hopeful321]

Truthfully, I don't want them now. My birthday was yesterday not today or tomorrow. It won't mean the same to me.

[Jenna333]

"Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?"

I'm finding myself thinking the same thing. I'm going to bring up counseling to him today. Would you be willing to go that route?

[Hopeful321]

Yes, but he won't. I have asked.

[hope2011]

"I don't think he is planning anything this weekend. Sunday is the Super Bowl and he wants me to hang out with him and our D so he can watch the Super Bowl. I should just make plans and tell him I can't."

What if you ask him what kind of Super Bowl food he wants and what size jersey he wears?

[Jenna333]

I think he's showing that he's not serious about mending your relationship. He has you, so why should he have to work and change?

Ugh. I have had a sick feeling in my tummy since yesterday when J and I decided to be exclusive and date each other. I am getting the feeling he just doesn't want me seeing others and he is loving who I'm becoming....but he isn't changing That's why I'm pushing counseling.

[Hopeful321]

You are absolutely right. Why should he work on himself. He has me.

Well, I guess I need to take a step back and tell him that I need some space this weekend.

What do you think?

[Oneeleven]

H321: what would YOU have done in the past? Just had gotten silently angry? WOuld it eventually come out why you were mad?

Just wondering because if now, you silently are angry/disappointed, is that a 180? Not really.

I just think a 180 would be to calmly talk to him about the effects those actions have on you. And maybe bring up how you USED to react and inform him that you will no longer be acting out like that.


I dunno. WTH do I know

I just hate to see things go bad for you when they just started to go good again!

[angel61]

Hopeful,

I think you should just simply tell him, whether in a joking way, or in a calm, but NOT ANGRY OR PISSED MANNER, that you were expecting the cake and slippers because it was his promise to you! Don't buy it, because doing so insults him. Maybe he has a bigger plan, maybe he is TESTING you to see if you have changed (if you were pissy in the past, he might be trying to see if you are more forgiving now). Or maybe he just plain doesn't realize what it takes for him to be a "changed " person.

I also think that accepting the superbowl invitation is OK, not accepting it seems to be like you are being vengeful, and that is another thing that MLC'ers or WAS are always looking out for. Especially when they are trying to come back, they look for all and any excuses to run away again. This includes signs of being revengful, unforgiving, and still being controlling about the sitch. It is at this stage that you have to show your patience, your unconditional love.

Change doesn't come right away. Just because your H said he realizes thing doesn't mean to say he will turn on a dime and be a good H all of a sudden.

I am in piecing now, and it gets better everyday. But my H and I have to deal with backlsides all the time. Whenever I talk t him, many times he still accuses me of doubting him, of attacking him. But the difference between now and then is when I point it out, he admits it now, and we are able to recover, ulike before where we would just go into this vicious cycle of attack and defense.

That is why I am asking you to try to point it out. Little by little, you will have to learn to tak to each other, point out what you need from each other, and work it out. Note I said little by little. Maybe you can work at one aspect at a time.

There is no such thing as "fair" if you want your M back.

As 25 says, do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?

By the way, start reading the threads on piecing, they will give you a sense of how difficult it is to rescue a relationship.

[angel61]

By the way, buying him a jersey and asking him what he wants for food seems manipulatory to me. remember, you cannot control him, only yourself. And if you are the person who only a fool could leave, he will not be able to do so.

My H told me that one thing that he appreciated about me was that I was still there for him, after all he did. I never thought he would appreciate it, cause he did not seem to want my company, and ignored me a lot during the height of his EA.

I tried my best not to pursue, and to detach, but still would go with him whenever he initiated any family outing, and fully supported him in his endeavours.

I did give him space though when he needed it, and stayed away from R talk until he was ready. Actually, even now I stay away from it.

The boards was very helpful in a lot of ways to me. I credit our reconciliation to a lot that I learned here, but one should also be careful to weed out different kinds of advice from people. generally, I was aprtial to the advice of those who successfully busted the D and who remained M.

I think your sitch has the potential to improve and your M may be one of those that will be restored. But it will take a lot of sacrifice on your part.

Be very careful, and if you are not sure, then don't do or say anything. You have the gift of time. Use it wisely.

[purgatory]

If you bought them yourself, that's kind of passive aggressive. You said that you used to pout and act sad... so your 180 should be to ask directly. In your most charming voice: "Honey, I was really looking forward to those slippers that I sent you- did you have a hard time finding them?" (don't assume he just forgot or purposely didn't get them, men aren't' the most savvy of shoppers and it takes them a few times before they can find the right thing- just another perspective.)

By saying something that assumes he screwed up [i.e. why didn't I get the slippers? Even after you asked me?], he's automatically put in defense mode... almost a guaranteed fight. BUT if you can phrase it in a way that convey's your disappointment (like my example earlier), he's more likely to respond with an apology or explanation- and since men HATE to feel like they can't be depended on, he will most likely try to find a solution.

As far as Super Bowl, you have the *choice* to hang out and watch the game, or do something else. But PLEASE don't just make plans to prove a point, or to 'get back' at him (since he didn't keep his 'promise' to you, you feel like you shouldn't keep your 'promise' to watch the game). Maybe you decide that you want to watch half the game, and then go out for a little while.

He does need to realize that he can't just walk back in and pick up where y'all left off... he's going to have to put some effort into this as well. My fear, if I were you, would be to either come on too strong too quickly- so that he gets skiddish and backs off again OR keeping yourself too far away- so that he starts to think that you're not interested in him or excited that he's home, and again, he backs off again. There's a fine line you are walking right now- but you do have control over what you do in the R... and he needs to experience the *new* you