My ex and I have been divorced for over a year now. When we divorced, I moved out of state and initiated no contact with him. He's tried to communicate with me (i.e. Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, etc.) but I don't respond. I told him there wasn't enough room for both me and his mistress in his life. Since he didn't get rid of her, I removed myself from the situation and I'm following through.
I found out from mutual friends that he has accepted a job in Sacramento. His previous employers website has removed him from their contact list, and they have also removed her (he cheated with a work colleague).
I don't know how to feel about this. I'm still processing everything with the divorce. I don't regret leaving him, but I'm still very angry. I was blindsided with his affair. When I found out about it, I said to him "I didn't know you were unhappy." and he responded "I wasn't." WTF???
I'm caught between feeling happy that these two horrible people will be together and never cause anyone else any pain and being upset that they are still together and moving together. I hate that I care! They built their whole relationship on lies and deception! She knew he was married and it feels like he never really cared about me. Why do they get to live happily ever after while I'm still trying to put the broken pieces of my heart/life back together?
I know I need to focus on all the good things that I've got going in my life, all the progress I've made. I know that both of them will not be happy together in the long run... unfortunately, that doesn't help with the now.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
I think you should aim for happiness within yourself, regardless of the circumstances. Be the best person in the moment, every moment, that you can be. You're presently giving them power over you by holding on to your pain and anger. Let it go...and work more on detachment.
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions.
We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
How can I force detachment? How can I force myself to let go? I've stood on mountaintops saying "ex, i forgive you." I've looked in the mirror and said "me, i forgive you." If sheer will was enough to do all this, I'd have done it by now. I want to be over this, to be at the point where I'm apathetic... but how? How do I just make it happen?
yes, my ego is wounded. I'm hurt because he didn't come after me. I'm hurt because it feels like I never meant anything to him. I'm angry with myself for being such a sucker and falling for his crap. I'm hurt because he never took responsibility for his actions.
Yes, I know that she's the sucker now and yes, i know that it probably won't work out for them. I know that I'm in a much better place now. I know all these things, but how do I force myself not to care anymore, not to feel the pain? Is it simply "time heals all wounds"?
Does anyone have any detachment tips?
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Time alone does not do it. You have to take positive actions during that passage of time. "Where the head goes, the heart follows". Take a look at my thread...I've been given some killer advice recently by several here, especially 25 and SunFunOne. I'm taking action and implementing those things...and it's working. It'll work for you too. Do not just suffer while time passes, and hope that the passage of time will heal you. You must, must, must take positive actions during that passage of time!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
embrace it and let it go... that's why I love the "eat, love and pray" book, get it. Fill your mind with good stuff, don't let the bad stuff over-run your brain. Choose a different path, it will take time but train yourself to direct your thoughts elsewhere. One year is still pretty recent, I think I got over the raw pain in 1.5yr. The peace God gave me let me healed afterwards, I don't hurt anymore, I mean it... I thought I'd never stop thinking of him, the ow for even one hour but now it's pretty much wiped from my brain. Do get "the spiritual divorce" and "healing without scars", live is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we deal with it.
Know you WILL be ok and
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
