It’s the new year. As indicated in my previous posts, 12/31/11 marked the end of my apartment lease, which I shared with my wife. We are not divorced, nor are we legally separated. Nor has that been discussed. However, we are no longer living together - I have my place and she supposedly has accommodations in the spare bedroom of one of her female coworkers.
I do not know what will become of this separation. She has not been very communicative on what the future may hold. She’s the one that requested we go our separate ways, so she is the one who has the best idea of what may come. This is difficult on me, but I would have to imagine this cannot be easy for her either.
In one of our last deep discussions, she recommended I either rent month-to-month or get the shortest term lease. I do not know specifically why she requested this, other than she may have speculated this would be the time it would take for her to figure things out. Considering it was the last moment, the only available option in such a tight frame was a seven month lease.
The movers moved me on 12/30/11. She basically gave me most of the furniture, and some things she asked if I could store. She took only her mattress and one van load of boxes, mostly clothing but a few trinkets. Before going to her new place, she asked if she could stop by my place just to visit. She stayed for an hour. Then, as she left, she embraced me tightly, whispered into my ear “I’m going to miss you”, and gave me a kiss on the lips. She suggested we should get together next weekend for a bite to eat. She got into the van, rolled down the window, and said “I love you”. She drove away. One thing that I regret, even if it may not have made a difference, is that I didn’t think of trying to make one last ditch effort to persuade her not to leave.
In the couple of days that have since transpired, we texted a few small talk short messages. I am attempting to become independent, but I find that I miss her. I want to tell her how much I miss her, but know that I shouldn’t. Now is the time to GAL for myself. But that won’t replace her, nor do I want it to. I want to put on a happy face without giving her the impression that I’ve removed her entirely from my life. Are there any suggestions as how to keep connected with the spouse while separated?
The best thing you can do is give her, her space. Do not pursue or you will just chase her further away. Do not contact her unless you have kids together.
My H left me 6 mos ago and I pleaded, begged and cried for him not to leave. And the only thing I did was push him right out the door. I left him alone and let him contact me and now he is making baby steps.
We have an adult (recently college grad) daughter together. Actually, it's her daughter; my step-daughter. But, she lives elsewhere.
My W did text me yesterday, as she was waiting to go into her exercise class. Basic chit-chat. Asked how my day went.
It's all these caring gestures: the final hug/kiss goodbye; the "I'm going to miss you"; the "how's your day going" texts; and maybe the occasional "let's get together" which make me feel better, like there is hope for a reconciliation. However, at the same time, it also hurts. It hurts, because, if she gives an inch, I want a yard. Not sure if that makes sense.
Some people may feel space/separation as an opportunity for the heart to grow fonder, which very well may be true. But, I can also agree that space/separation provides the opportunity for couples to grow more distant from one another, due to the lack of contact.
I guess my question is: Do I let her initiate all the contacting? That seems kind of lopsided, as if I wasn't putting forth any effort.
This past weekend W and I met face to face, for the first time since parting ways one week ago. After shooting the breeze about work & other generic topics, we got down to more important issues like our state of mentality living apart. Each of us admitted, she first, that this very first week was emotionally difficult and we obviously missed each other's daily presence in our respective lives. Unfortunately, when asked how long she might need to determine whether we'd get back together, she did not know for certain. We ended the evening with a hug & kiss and promised to do this again next week.
I've been doing okay on my own & obviously so has she... we survived, we met and we planned to meet up again. It does get lonely, and this is where GALing becomes important. A couple of questions to those out there (preferrably to those without children in the mix) who have been successful at navigating separation:
1) How do you avoid random negative thoughts, such as "I wonder if the OP is still in the picture"... this might happen when a text goes unanswered for an extended period of time, or Facebook posts between OP and W's best friend. 2) How often, and by what means, should we communicate in order to maintain and re-build a healthy relationship?
Essentially, I don't want to overdo it thus pushing her away. But I don't want to be aloof, either. Any tips?
Also, considering that we're now essentially dating, it has been nearly one full year since we've had intimate relations -her choice. I want to take this slow, to think with a clear head, and not do anything rash. Perhaps she does too. But when she admits that she misses me, it makes me wonder if I'm missing cues that she's looking for me to take charge. Even still, not sure if that's a wise idea, at least at this point.
