Hello everyone... below is a letter I've drafted on behalf of W and myself to the teachers of SS, SD, and S. Perhaps the most heart-breaking letter I've ever written. This will be sent to our kids' teachers either late on Friday or on Sunday so they have it Monday morning (we are telling the kids Sunday afternoon). Any feedback would be greatly appreciated...
It is with a heavy heart that <wife> and I are sending you this email today. Last night we sat down as a family and discussed with our children that <wife> and I are getting a divorce and that <wife> and the children will be moving in late March/early April. We are writing to you because we value the important role you play in our children’s lives, because we want you to be armed with the same knowledge they have, and because we are seeking your assistance as well.
Obviously a decision like this is not easily made, and the news was a shock to the kids as well as very sad for them. <Wife> and I have committed ourselves to positive co-parenting. While we do not want to deluge you with too much information, we want you to know that this split is simply driven by people changing over time and is not the result of something like infidelity, abuse, or other more drastic problems.
<Wife> will be remaining in <our town> so that the children’s school attendance is not affected. With <wife>'s blessing, I will still be part of SD's and SS's lives as much an ex-step-parent can be. Two to three times a week I will be with all of the kids in the evening as <wife> works into the late evening a few times every week. Also, SD and SS remain S's big brother and sister, and no matter what <wife> or I do that will not change. We know the love all of our kids have for one another, and we want to continue to foster that.
We have also agreed to share custody of S in a 50/50 arrangement. So some days S will come to <wife>'s house after school and other days he will come to my house. We intend to communicate frequently about the children and their needs. Closer to the time that <wife> will move we will be setting up a joint email address and calendar that we will let you know about. By having this joint email address we hope to avoid times where one of us forgets to forward something from school to the other, and it allows you to have only one address to worry about sending information to.
I also want to let you know that this process will not have any effect on the efforts I am engaged with some of you on. I intend to continue volunteering in S's classroom and the <educational classroom event> we had discussed for SS's class is something I will continue to work on.
What we are asking of you is to please help support our children through this change process. Obviously divorce is never easy on children. For SD and SS this is the second time they will endure this change, though this time they are much older and able to understand more of the process. For S, he has never known anything but a home with mom and dad, and we are committed to helping him understand that he can thrive and grow no matter how his family is configured.
If you see behavioral changes, have concerns, or notice things that are not normal and you feel we should know about do not hesitate to contact us. We are very open to arranging counseling for any of the kids if that becomes necessary and we are open to any other strategies that will help them cope and thrive through this change process.
We appreciate and value everything all of you do for our kids. Each of them enjoys school and we continue to see such impressive changes in them such as SS's newfound love of reading, SD's drive to be better at math, and S's request to Santa to bring him an alarm clock so he’s never late for school. We know that home affects school far more than school affects home. We also know that the changes at home will have some impact on their school lives. We are hoping we can all work together to minimize those impacts, and intervene before any of them become too damaging or drastic.
Thank you for the love and support you will provide to our children through the rest of the school year. We are sorry for asking this one more thing of each of you beyond the wonderful work you already do with our kids. If you have questions, concerns, or ideas please do not hesitate to contact us, and we will be in frequent contact with you over the coming months to ensure that the lines of communication stay open.
If you're wondering why the letter comes from me and not my W... well, a) I'm a better writer and b) as a member of the Board of Education I felt it was important to take the lead on putting this out there. When you write the document you set the voice, and I wanted it to be my voice.
My W's reaction was positive... in fact she told me she felt it was an amazing letter. Not sure if she's just sucking up, or she believes that. Hence I thought I'd come here for some honest feedback that I can trust.
Thanks in advance to anyone who manages to make it through the whole thing.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
As a teacher, I like it. I have had many students over the years go through a divorce- and I was never aware of it until they started having troubles with school work... and sometimes it was too late to help them. I think it is admirable for you to be so forthcoming with their teachers. I think they will appreciate your honesty and it will give them the opportunity to prepare and be aware for any changes they may notice.
I'm sorry you had to write this letter, that couldn't have been an easy task for you. But I think it's a testimony to how you are committed to caring and focusing on your kids through this process.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
WHG I would wait until you have told the kids and than write it. I think there is way too much information in the letter. I think the reason for such letter is for the school to look for behavior changes in the kids.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I also believe that their is way too much information in the letter. I would let them know that you are getting a divorce and that you would appreciate their empathy and support towards your children as they move foward in this. And to please communicate any behavioral changes or issues that they notice as you are extremely concerned for them.
If they are aware and the lines of communication are open you will have ample times to discuss further logistics if necessary.
Correct me if I am wrong WHG, but your spouse hasn't moved towards D other than verbally?
6/12 is a long time away.. I mean I understand the perspective of wanting your kids to be okay.. but other than that I'm not sure why the letter is necessary at all.
Does your w plan for the D to be final by 6/12?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
W plans to file this month so the d is final in April or May, with her moving out April 1. I should probably update my sig line .
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
This is how I see things, the spouse who wants to end the M should be the one to tell the kids. However, the LBS must be there with them so that they hear the truth. IOW, instead of your WAW saying that "Daddy and I want to....", she needs to say that "Mommy wants to......." Somehow, I kind of doubt you'd stop her from saying it like she wants it said, but at the least you should not have to show that it's what you want.....when it's not. This should be part of her facing the music, so to speak, for her decisions. But, that's just MHO.
I just re-read through your last thread, and I gotta tell you. I'm not seeing what you wrote in that letter, to be the same things you are dealing with just a couple days ago.
From what I am reading, it looks like you are trying to be the White Knight for her actions....
Do you REALLY agree to the Divorce ?????
However, since you have already rung that bell, I would revise the letter. Short and sweet, to let your spouse own some of her decisions.
You don't have to be an a$$, just TACTFULLY let her own this decision.
Originally Posted By: WHG
What I am going to struggle with, and need to ask my C about, is how do I deal with the questions now. "Daddy, why did you stop loving mommy?" Well... I didn't, she did... that's the truth but that's not what I'm supposed to be saying apparently. That part has me confused.
As I said on your other thread, the letter you wrote for the teachers is way over the top. And you aren't fooling anyone -- you mean it as a message to W to make her "wake up." Just stop trying to make her wake up and see the light. It does NOT help. It is pure pursuit which will get you only more pushing away.
Do NOT send anything to teachers until you tell the kids. Moreover, this is really nothing to put in writing. Geez. AFTER you have told the kids, set up a meeting with the teachers:
"Teacher, we have told the kids that W and I are separating on April 1. It is a difficult time that will be hard on the kids. Thanks so much for the important role you play in our childrens' lives. Please let us both know if you see them struggling. We welcome your thoughts on how to help them succeed in school through this process. You may contact us at this joint email address: xxxx."
P.S. FWIW, I think the joint email address is a little controlling and condescending. There is no reason teachers can't email BOTH of you. My suspicion is that the joint email address is all about not trusting your W to forward you emails. It is also just another tie, another string, between the two of you, another clingy tidbit against which she'll push away.
WHG - I don't really like the letter. Not because I don't think it is genuine and heartfelt and written to support the best interest of the children. Rather, I think you are simply providing too much information. Sort of wearing your heart on your sleeve so to speak.
Here's what I did when the time came. On the day that we had planned to tell the kids, it just so happened that we had a parent teacher conference scheduled. So at the conference after the teacher told me what a great kid and student my S was, I told the teacher that later that day W and I would be telling the kids of our separation.
I told her that we were very concerned with the affect this would have on our S and would appreciate it if she would keep a watchful eye on him and let us know if she noticed any problems beginning to surface.
The teacher was visibly saddened for us and for S since S is one of her favorite students. But, she also made a note of it and one for the schools guidance counselor.
I did not go into any detail other than to say that one day I hoped that W and I would be able to work things out. But that was it. No detail, no mushiness, etc. Just the facts that needed to be known.
And you know what? That was all that was really necessary. My S continues to thrive academically and I know the teacher is keeping an eye on him.
Hope this helps.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
and b) as a member of the Board of Education I felt it was important to take the lead on putting this out there. When you write the document you set the voice, and I wanted it to be my voice.
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