Another WAW

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Listen to 25.

She might be bluffing...right up until you force her hand, and then she won't be bluffing...

Not even sure that's a bluff anymore.

Basically she might not mean it, money says she doesn't...right up until you make her mean it.

Right now she's (likely) going to want to prove you wrong on just about anything and everything, that she'd walk naked into Kaldi Brother's on a Sunday at 9 am and then down to TidalWave Books. If you said she wouldn't do it.

DB is a fine line a razor's edge, when your back is up? You really have to focus your attention on what you want, not what would feel good doing.

Right now? Any answer your force her to make? Will likely be the one you don't want to hear.

[anclost]

Well, been mulling over your comments the past few days. No, I am not ready to call her bluff. There is this feeling, little things I get from things she says, that makes me think she is hesitating. I could be wrong, and I'm not trying to read the tea leaves either.

25, I just read a post you made in which you reposted a letter from a WAW to a LBS about how 6 months of change by the LBS wasn't near enough to offset the years of neglect felt by the WAW. I am assuming that this is how my W feels as well. At least that is the attitude or approach that I have taken.

The hard part is developing a plan. But based on everyone's comments, it seems that I need to detach, set boundaries with W, and hold her to them. That doesn't mean call her bluff, but that her behavior is unacceptable. I did tell her that her comments hurt me deeply, and her reply was that maybe her words hurt, but my actions have hurt her. I can't let her control my life so much. Sandi2, you are correct, she has always been a controller, and I've let her. She has used the D word in arguments since we were married. She has held the cheating incidents over my head, it doesn't take long in any argument for that to come up. I know what I did was wrong and hurt her, but as my DB coach said, I've been punished long enough.

I can see how my strong tendency to avoid conflict really fed into her controlling behavior. And eventually I avoided conflict by avoiding her. So this is something I really need to work on. I have to also learn to ask for what I want. Have finished reading "Nice Guy" and started "N.U.T.s".

Which leads me to the EA. Do I address it with her? Seems DB/DR is fairly clear you don't confront them with this. I'm not sure it would do any good.

25 I do agree that this digital world makes it far to easy to get in trouble. I know if I asked my W if what she is doing is wrong, she would say no. But if I had a female friend I talked to on my private cell phone at work, etc...that phone would be airborne in no time. W is just rationalizing her behavior.

It seems it is really about what I do, not her. I want to be a better man, I don't want to be stepped on as Sandi2 so elegantly put it. I need to work on establishing and maintaining my relationships outside my marriage, not have my W as my emotional enter anymore. I really haven't had much of a social life outside of work. I need to change that. I've started, but W certainly has resisted. Myself and my sons are my priority now, I will be there for my W if she needs something, but putting myself first.

Although my W sure seems to need me an awful lot lately. I try to let her initiate contact, so Friday I worked most of the day, when she got home she was upset because I hadn't texted or called. She is very keen on what I do, last two days she has texted "where r u?". We eat dinner together every night, in fact, I brought home takeout a few days ago and she had the table set when I got home. She hasn't done that in a while. Again, I will go in her bedroom to say goodnight, usually scratch or rub her back, and occasionally she will fall asleep in my arms. I then leave.

She stated the other day to stop labeling everything, take it for what it is. If she didn't like being around me she wouldn't be. She does not like to talk about the R or future, of course.

What do I make of her comment about maybe not filing for D but separating and moving to TX. The D laws are favorable to me here in AK, haven't looked at TX yet. Is that something I should be concerned with? Is that a positive?

I'm working toward the "I want to be with my W, but I don't need my W' philosophy. I've read that here several times, not sure which poster coined the phrase.

Hey, Jack3Beans, liked the "naked in Kaladi Brothers" statement. You are so right, W is out to prove me wrong at every turn.

Thanks again for the responses. 25, your personally story about avoiding conflict was great. Why didn't I realize this issue years ago!

[Mach1]

Hey, Jack3Beans, liked the "naked in Kaladi Brothers" statement.

LOL....I would have gone, just to see IF that was gonna happen...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You still around An?

[anclost]

J3B,

Still here, read forums every night. W is in HNL with her mom this week. Her mom paid for the trip, wanted to get her out of ANC and away from me I guess. Glad my W is in the sun, but MIL certainly isn't helping my clause.

W has retained new lawyer, has applied and interviewed with a hospital in Dallas area. Appears she may be gone by mid April. She is planning on just leaving with her suitcase on the plane, no car, none of her stuff. She says she will get it when I get moved from ANC, probably not this year but next year.

So here is a question. Is it a good thing we will be apart, meaning will it give her more of a chance to miss me, experience the consequences of her decision both good and bad? Since asking for a divorce, really nothing has changed for her except for how she interacts with me. I almost feel like it will be a catalyst one way or the other. I can't control it, and certainly won't try and convince her she is doing the wrong thing.

W stated the other day before she let for HNL, this is her decision and her choice. She has followed my career around the country. Now it is time for her to do something for herself. Even if it is the wrong decision, it was at least HER decision.

I still have my two sons to worry about, and need to make plans for the summer, school in the fall etc. But when I attempt to ask her about logistical items in the near future, she gets fairly agitated and says she doesn't know what she is doing, she hasn't even left yet.

Again just like all the other trips se has taken recently, she is in contact up until she gets in place with other people, in this case my MIL. Then the contact is at a minimum. She has texted me every day with info on her day but it is pretty minimal. She did send me a picture of her on the beach. So yesterday, I reply to one of her texts, very briefly and she comes back with "No clue what you are doing. No word at all, right? Nice. Out!" She doesn't call or contact me much but yet she is pest I don'y give detailed info on what I'm doing? Am I doing it wrong, I thought I needed to let them initiate contact.

I thought about it awhile and thought I would email her, nothing big, just a synopsis of what I've done the last few days, what our boys talked about etc. Light conversation stuff. I said at the end I understand how you feel, and would like to improve our communication. Don't know if that was the right thing,if lack of communication was an issue for her, then my 180 would be to communicate.

She also is convinced the reason I'm in shape and have new clothes is because I'm cheating on her. She told me this on the way to the airport last week, she said she doesn't trust me. I screwed up our marriage 16 years ago because I cheated. WHat do you do with that? Can we ever get past that?

My DB coach really has me focused on how my W feels, how it was for her to grow up in her family, the youngest and only daughter, with two brothers, one of which molested her. How she felt when her parents took her brothers side when this came out years ago. How the abused will always go back and try and seek approval from the ones who hurt them. How it made her feel going to her family many times with out me, because it was easier to deal with MIL without me there, yet it made her feel as if I wasn't there for her. And I can see that now, I never looked at it that way.

Coach told me to express that to her, and I did. I told my coach that my W seems to talk more and more after work. We laughed pretty hard the other night at a few things which we haven't done in a while. My coach said that I miss signals that what I'm doing is having an affect on my W. She seems to think that the interaction is a direct reflection on what I said to her.

Yet she is still marching toward divorce and moving.

Thanks J3B for asking.

It is amazing to read the threads here and the advice some of the posters give. I wish I could contribute more, but I struggle with my R, don't know how I would be of any help to someone else.

Lost in Alaska

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You are not here to be of help right now. You're here to get it. At least support and hopefully some helpful idea's on how to make it through.

Yet she is still marching toward divorce and moving

That path took her a long time to get to, to make up her mind about. She isn't going to change it because 'suddenly' you want to work on issues or that your suddenly being what she missed.

Time is your greatest ally in this. It doesn't feel like it, but it is.

[Mach1]

I wouldn't worry too much about what happens between her and your MIL. This is still something that you wife will have to face on her own one day.

How much are you reading here ? Jack is correct, for now, it's not about you helping others right now, as much as it is about you being there. Growing and learning, making yourself present on other's threads.

What she is saying to you is how she feels AT THE MOMENT. Is it true ? To her it is. And learning to respect her truths and feelings will pay you dividends down the road.

How much are you getting out of the house and doing things ? How is "combat fishing" going ? Okay, maybe not that. You need to find some time for just you in this. I'm not sure if you have heard, I know it was mentioned, in jest, in another way. But Kaladi Bros has inspirational, and motivational speakers on Saturday mornings, starting at 10 am. From what I have heard, they are worth attending.


That would make it worth my time....


Dude, she has things she needs to work on for herself right now. And I'm fairly certain that there are things you feel you could work on too.

Separation is not the end of the road for you. Time is on your side, and how you use your time, will be to your benefit.

Seriously think about Sat morning, and let me know how it was...I have heard, that because of the nature of the weather, there tends to be a high percentage of depression in AK. High divorce rates, etc.... From what I hear, there are some speakers, great coffee, and usually a couple of clowns handing out balloons, and doing stupid human tricks..


Keep posting, and keep reading. There are some really good people here with a lot to offer.

[labug]

I second that!

This is from a post I wrote earlier today:

I read a lot of other threads and get a wealth of information because we are all in similar situations, with similar problems. Currently Crazyville's thread really got me thinking and has provided a lot of insight.

Search out 25, Mach1, cat04, kaffe diem, rickb89, MrBond, bustorama and read what they post.

When I started this journey it was about saving my marriage, now it's about saving me and being the ME I was put on this earth to be.

and no, Mach doesn't pay me to say this

[FaithnAK]

So here is a question. Is it a good thing we will be apart, meaning will it give her more of a chance to miss me, experience the consequences of her decision both good and bad?

YES and YES. You already know that you can't control or manipulate her 'feelings' for you right now. You are validating her by giving her what she 'thinks' she wants right now.

It turns into a bad thing when you stop bettering yourself; sit and watch her; and wait. You need to really focus on doing things for you so if she never changes her mind, you are going to be ok. She needs to see that strength from you. It [censored] at first, but it will get easier.

Keep moving and progressing one day at a time.

[anclost]

Thanks everyone for the comments. W gets home tomorrow morning from HNL. She texted everyday, sent a few pictures but never called.

I did get out of the house a few times, went to dinner with my boss, then the next night I went to dinner with a few friends. It was nice. Also a friend called and ended up playing some basketball today. Think I injured my neck the other day lifting. It's pretty stiff after the bball. Getting old I guess.

I did not know about Kaladi Bros. speakers, I will certainly have to check that out.

As I said, haven't had too much contact with my W, so it has been fairly peaceful. My thoughts tend toward the D and her moving to DAL. Even though we get D, I don't want to give up, yet with her that far away what is the likelihood I will ever get a chance to reconcile with her. It seems she will build a new life without me in it. How will she ever know I've changed?

I saw on the computer that she had skyped with the shooting coach in San Anttonio the week prior to her leaving. It was when I was away on a trip. The conversation lasted 2 hours. I know she talks to him and his girlfriend quite a bit, yet I know there is nothing I can really do about it. I don't bring it up of course, yet it certainly bothers me. Does my W really view this as acceptable? Does this ever get addressed at some point?

I still haven't quite got a handle on what I need to change. I know that I do, I'm just not quite sure how to go about it. I need to have a life such that I'm not so co-dependent on W. Also need to figure out what I want.

It is very helpful to read Sandi2 and Crazyville"s perspective. This DB stuff is hard and sometimes getting a view into the mind of your spouse is invaluable. I constantly have to remind myself that I need to do things for Me, not to try and win my wife back. She is so hurt and resentful, I'm just not sure she will ever get past it.

She constantly goes back to the cheating 16 yeas ago. She does not trust me at all. Will time and distance heal that?

BTW, has anyone read the series of articles written by Rachel Clark that were posted in Psychology Today? Pretty interesting read. She was a WAW and explained how she came back to her husband.

Last question, Mach1 what is the significance of your name?

Lost in Alaska